One Hell day down, one more to go

I hate Tuesdays. It's my Hell day. Today, however, wasn't really that bad. I got up in time for class, and even managed to get dressed properly and look (and therefore feel) like a put together young lady. I even had time to check my e-mail before class. I worked more on my research paper, then went to English and discovered that the due date has been pushed back to next Tuesday. Also, this Thursday we're just going to be rewriting our in-class essays, so if we're happy with the grade we have we can leave. Tuesday we're handing in our papers and taking our final test which will cover a few chapters of grammar...that's right, grammar. And we can work on the test in groups.

Next it was on to work, which went by pretty quickly until about 5:30-ish and then it time stopped until seven. I decided to go ahead and stay at Maryville until the 17th so that I can work for an extra week and have some money in my bank account for once. So now my Christmas vacation (at home anyway) is going to be more like two weeks, because I'll be back on Jan. 5th ready for cheerleading practice.

Speaking of practice, today I wasn't dreading it. I wasn't excited, but I was ready. This is an improvement. But I had completely forgotten that we were having someone come work with us on our tumbling--something I'd been looking forward to for weeks. I can't tumble. I'm not flexible enough, but oh I want it so badly!!! So I gave it my best effort and I'm just this much (I'm signaling with my hands) closer to maybe some day when I'm like 80 being able to back handspring. "This much" closer is still pretty far away, but I want to do it...I'm going to do it.

So anyway, Hell day this week turned out to be busy but not Hellish. One more Tuesday before the semester is over and dadgumit next semester I'm not going to overload one day a week. I should hit the books now...

Why all the drama?

So today I'm making my usual blog rounds...prying into the lives of perfect strangers when I realized...life is like one big soap opera. Well, if it's not, then people only put the juicy stuff into their blogs. I know I'm guilty too, but it's just like...can no one just say "I'm having a good day and I'm happy with my life." Everyone's depressed, or upset with someone's choices, confused about their emotions, embroiled in love triangles, etc., etc. It's funny if you really think about it...why is there always so much drama?

Over the next break, I'm going to try to get my act together. It's almost the New Year and I've had a whole year to improve myself. I have improved, but I'm so far from perfect. So, I've got another year to try again. One of the things I'd like to do is cut the drama out of my life. This is going to be really difficult with a freaking cheerleading competition in January (so many frazzled nerves to deal with), but I'm determined. In life, some things are a big deal. But most of the things people (myself included) spazz about, really aren't that big of a deal. So I'm going to try to keep it that way. Pray for me...

It's Good to Be Back pt. II

I'm finally back home again! That's right, home. Maryville...my temporary but cherished home, where I make the rules, I set my schedule and I'm generally in charge of myself. Even with all the freedoms I'm allowed at my permanent residence, it just can't compare to the total freedom I get here.

And on that note, I spent another non-productive day. Well, I did my hair, which is an all day event. I also (ineffectually) whitened my teeth, but as far as schoolwork goes...uh-uh. Oh well. Eventually I'll get it done, or...worse case scenario, I won't and my grade will suffer. At this point...I'm not concerned.

I felt great today. I'm not sure why, but I felt like the brightest light in the world was shining all around me. What an amazing day I've had. Now, if I can just talk Chanda and Alex into ordering Chinese...

Random Thoughts 4

I got my eyebrows waxed today. It never ceases to amaze me that I can stand to have burning wax applied to my face and ripped unceremoniously off of it, yet I cry the moment I see a pair of tweezers. The guy that waxed me was cute, even if he was a homo (and therefore off limits).

My boobs are different. I don't know exactly what's up because they seem to be the same size (and I've been measuring), but they also seem to be fuller, or something. It's totally weird...I feel like I'm in the wrong body or something. Then again, I'm probably just enjoying what I've got now, whereas before I didn't even notice. But if they are getting bigger, I won't complain...

I saw National Tresure today...good movie.

I lost the URL to Tim's blog. I guess I can just ask him for it, but it pisses me off that I can't remember it...it's not even that difficult. He probably hasn't updated anyway, but I still want to get in the habit of adding him to my daily blog checks.

I'm worried about Francesca. I don't know her, even if I kinda feel like I do. But she's not well, I can tell that from reading her blog. What's worse, is that I think the very thing she doesn't want is what will end up happening if she doesn't come out of this depression soon. I'm not saying she needs to be "good as new" tomorrow, but I wish she'd stop blaming herself for that whole Jay thing. I don't know him either, but I can tell he's not worth it.

I feel like a scrooge. Here it is, practically December and I'm already thinking "Fuck the holidays." I dunno why, really. I'm thinking of staying at Maryville over Christmas break. Momma will be gone and well...if I'm going to be alone I can just as easily be alone there, right? I don't know...guess it depends on how I feel in a few weeks.

I just discovered last night that Christmas (and therefore New Year's) will be on a Friday/Saturday night. If I were a party animal, this would be exciting. If I come back to Iowa, I won't do anything special, but then, if I stay in STL I'll be alone. If I have my way, on New Year's Eve I will be drunk as a skunk and partying like it's going out of style. I just don't want to wind up at home alone this year, I'm too old for that.

I realized today that I'm eighteen years old. Big realization, right? But it dawned on me that in a few short years (well, they'll fly by I imagine) I will be 36 and then 50 and before you know it, I'll be dead. One day I'm going to wake up an old woman (or even middle aged) and then what is there? Nothing but death to look forward to. It is kind of depressing to know how quickly life will pass and how afraid I am of it ending...but I hope that by the time I've lived and grown I will be ready for death. The last thing I want to do is to continue to fear something that is inevitable.

Maybe instead of buying a car soon, I'll just save that money and add to it and buy a car next summer. The only thing is, that if I save that money until next summer, I'll probably just put it toward my tuition, like an idiot (LOL). I was thinking though, that next summer I'd like to work full time...weekdays though...like a regular 9 to 5 or something, so that I can still have time to do stuff. If I can do that, I'll save all that money (less travel expenses and the occasional movie) and then I won't have to work as much during the school year. If I even continue with school. Lord help me.

I would really enjoy some cappucino fudge blitz ice cream right about now.

I need to get my hair done soon--I got my brows done and my nails are halfway decent...now just to take care of the hair and on the outside I'll look like a calm and put together young lady, even if my sanity is about to unravel. I can already tell that the next two weeks (until finals) are going to be sheer hell. And then there's the emotional turmoil that I stupidly insist on putting myself through...so between the two (oh and cheerleading, so between the three) I can tell that I'll be a basketcase by the middle of next week.

Speaking of emotional turmoil, one thing that I can proudly say is that although I've replayed scenes over and over again, I have yet to totally lose it. I've shed no tears, and really feel no sad or sorrowful emotion. I think the only reason I'm dwelling on it is that for some odd reason I don't feel like I've gotten closure on the situation. But really, how much closure do I need? What I got has got to be enough because I'm certainly not getting any more.

I can't believe it is already time to go back to school. If I can just keep my GPA where it needs to be, everything will be ok. Pray for me y'all...

I never did write that BIG paper that is past due...see, it's procrastination like this that's going to fuck me in the ass two weeks from now. If I can just make it through this semester without being stupid enough to lose my scholarship, I promise I will be SOOO much better.

Well, I'd better take myself to bed, I'm being counter-productive. G'night.

My Spotless Mind

Tonight while mindlessly watching television I did a little reflecting on the last week. I've accomplished nothing. Absolutely nothing. In fact, I've just wasted seven days of my precious life that I will never, ever get back. But wasting my life for the last week doesn't bother me. What does bother me, is that the only thing I did this week was prove to myself that I'm a punk-ass bitch, because only a little bitch would spend all week drowning in hurtful memories.

I've never seen the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind but what I read that the premise is a guy whose trying to cut his ex-girlfriend out of his life by erasing the memories of her (and if I'm not mistaken, later realizes he wants to keep the memories or some bullshit). I can kinda relate to this storyline in that I have some memories I would love to have erased. It really is a novel idea...why hasn't modern medicine picked up on it?

Would I erase people from my memory? Probably not...all the people I've met, including the bad ones, have contributed to the person I am today. I may not completely know myself, but on the whole I couldn't have picked a better person to be, I don't think, so I'm going to say that all of the people I've known have had some sort of positive effect on my life. So what would I erase?

I'd erase all the memories that come back to haunt me days, weeks, months and years after the fact--all the ones that make me doubt myself or make me feel inferior. All the times I felt I wasn't good enough. All the times my best wasn't enough. I'd erase all the times I sought empty praise from others just to prove to myself that I was good enough. I'd erase all the times that I let someone build me up with their words, only to tear me down with their actions. I'd erase the times that they did it. And, hopefully, by erasing all the memories of the hurt from my mind, I'd erase the damage it's done to my soul. Or maybe not...it's likely I'd only change the person that I am. But would I be better or would I be worse? I guess I'll never know...

The Sickness, "Alexander," and the ASD returns

The Sickness:

I feel awful. Me, Momma and Auntie Felisha went out to dinner at Gator's tonight and it was really nice. I had steak and some other shit and I ate too much, so now I feel like I'm going to "lose" it all. Add to that a headache and a chill that won't quit and you've got more sickness. I swear...I just want to be well for a whole damn month. A whole month.

"Alexander:"

I saw "Alexander" last night...I drove up to B-town and went all by myself (more on that later). It is very long--3 hours in fact. Now, I love blockbusters ('specially summer blockbusters) and epics as much as the next person and this was definitely one, but for some reason it struck me as spectacular, fantastic and boring. Angelina Jolie was captivating (and I'm not really a fan of hers), Colin Farrell was inspiring (most especially before the first big battle) and Jared Leto was hott. I didn't need to see Rosario Dawson naked, though (what is going on with her nipples? They look abnormal...). The effects were good, acting was good, battle scenes were gory, yet overall the movie couldn't hold my attention. What's wrong with that picture?

Return of the Anti-Social Disorder:

Yep...I can feel the onset of a prolonged ASD attack. I think I figured out the cause too...the entire time I've been at Maryville, I've wondered at my ability to be around others and do the whole companionship thing for long periods of time. This is my first extended break from Maryville and I've noticed that slowly I slipped back into old habits...spending more and more time alone, doing things alone, etc. I'm a little sad that I'm back to the SSDD, but also, I missed my more anti-social side. Strange, I know...but it's part of who I am--sometimes I just want to be by myself--and going for such long periods of time without wanting to be alone was starting to worry me. No matter, though. Come Sunday I'll probably be right back to being the happy go-lucky "I want everyone to love me" character that I seem to have become. Til then though...I'm going to sleep, LOL.

Some days...

...are really depressing. Today is one of those days. The problem is, I don't know why I'm not happy. My family is safe and secure (to my knowledge), my friends are all ok. I just feel really crappy today. I slept a long time and then my mom pissed me off within five minutes of waking up. Maybe I'll just go back to sleep...

My Holiday

We celebrated Thanksgiving today since my mom was off and had time to cook a big meal. It was nice, my auntie came down and two of my brothers and a sampling of my bratty nieces and nephews. The house was packed, but the company and the food were both very good. I'm tired. I feel like I've wasted my whole week, but hopefully tomorrow I will get cracking on that long overdue English paper. I don't know what's wrong with me...why do I feel so run down? I've purposely been taking it easy this week so that I can get back on track, but I'm still so tired all the time. I'm really not looking forward to going back to school this weekend, I'm glad to be home for a while, even if I do miss my girls (hey Chanda and Alex! I ain't forgot y'all!). Hmm...one holiday down and two to go, hopefully the new year is even better than this one has been.

The Perfect Man

I was watching VH1 today and Celebrity Weddings 2004 was on. Joy Enriquez and Rodney Jerkins were on it and they were talking about how each of them before meeting had been praying for God to send them their "perfect" mate and how Joy had even written hers down. I figure, if it can work for them, why not me too?

Then I got to thinking about it...what is my perfect man like? At this point, I think I want someone:

• Honest. Brutally honest, I would much rather be hurt by the truth than a lie, and not only must he be honest, but he needs to be able to deal with my honesty, too.
• Confident, but not arrogant. There's a very fine line here...I want someone that knows what he wants and that he can (and will) get it, but it won't just be handed to him because he's him.
• Intelligent as well as articulate. Communication is key.
• Hard-working. Work ethic is a must. I don't want someone that complains about what he doesn't have or what isn't going right and doesn't work to change it. Be productive.
• Goal-oriented. I'm going somewhere and I want someone else that's going somewhere too. Now, at this point I'm not sure where I'm going, so he doesn't need to be either, but I want someone that wants something out of life.
• Personable. Personality is a must...why would I waste my time otherwise? This covers odd interests (and having interests outside of SEX is a must), hobbies, sense of humor, thirst for knowledge, etc.
• Understanding. I need someone (and maybe he doesn't even exist) that understands me. I know that will be hard, because I don't understand me just yet, but I need someone willing to try. Be there for me when I need support, back off when I need space, celebrate my triumphs, comfort me when I'm sad, in return I'll do all of that and more.
• Mature. This isn't necessarily an age thing. I know that everyone has their immature moments (hello...this is ME, LOL), but on the whole, I want someone that doesn't act like he's still in high school.
• Open-minded. I'll try anything once, twice if I like it. I need someone to experience life with me.
• Socially-conscious. Not to say I wouldn't date a conservative, but I want someone that respects my opinions and has informed ones of his own.
• Sexy. Notice it says "sexy," not "drop dead gorgeous." Firstly, I don't think I'll ever date a pretty boy. Secondly, how "cute" or "hott" someone is has nothing to do with how sexy they are (think Vin Diesel, Lenny Kravitz and The Rock...all ugly as sin and sexy as hell). Sex appeal is a wonderful thing because it varies from person to person...for some it can be their eyes, the way they walk, the way they move in general, it can even just be the air around them. A little sex appeal can go a long way to making someone attractive.

I think this list covers everything. Now, I'll just pray over it and hopefully Prince Charming will show up someday, even if it's not for 5 or 10 years. Hehehe....hopefully I get to kiss a few frogs first.

It's Good to Be Back

I am so happy to be home! Saturday night I took my brother William to B-town and went to Wal-Mart and then I slept in on Sunday til like noon. I proceeded to not do shit and then get up and get dressed around seven so that I could go out to dinner and a movie with Mandy. It's been really good to hang out with her and catch up on old times.

I can't believe how much our lives have changed in the last 4 months! Her parents have gone from happily married hippies to divorced and disillusioned. I've become a sex-mad party girl (well, not quite...but I'm well on my way, don't you think?). She's gone from worrying about everything to not worrying about anything, and dropped most of her classes because of it. And well...I've become the worrier...the one that constantly dwells on things that only months ago I would have scoffed at and moved on. Isn't it crazy?

On top of that, I seem to have become Ms. Popularity (relatively). I've been spending time with Mandy and John. I've got plans to hang with Brad Selken and crew (we're going to see National Treasure tomorrow--Nic Cage, mmm mmm) and I'm supposed to be going to Big Muddy's on Wednesday. I wonder if I can get drunk before we go out?...Anyway, Thursday's the holiday, so I doubt anyone will get up to much and who knows about Friday. It's shaping up to be a busy week--what happened to relaxing and not following a schedule?

Yeah...like I ever relax, LOL...

Game 1 and Brandon Longstreet

Tonight was our first official game of the season--the women's team against STLCOP. We stomped their asses...and it was the most boring game ever. An hour and a half of watching us score every five seconds and watching the other team give up hope...it was sad really. We won 94-32 (or something close to that). Congrats, Ladies!

Who knows what is going on tonight? Not me. It's almost 11 and Chanda and Alex aren't back from the play yet. I'm assuming that we're not going out tonight because it'll be late by the time they get back, and they would have to change. I guess it's possible that Damiano and Brandon could come up tonight--but who knows with them?

Ahh...Brandon. I was given his phone number and told to call him. Why are people pushing me? The last thing I want or need right now is to catch a feeling for some guy...guys are very low on my list of "things that I want" right now. So I called him. Left a message...with my phone number in it. He called me back, too. We talked for probably 10 or 15 minutes...not really about anything. Who knows what might happen next? What do I even want to happen next? If I'm smart, I don't want anything to happen. But the devil on my shoulder keeps chanting, "DICE, DICE, DICE." LOL...that's for you Chanda.

My pity party

I've been reading some other people's blogs--if these goddamned idiots can have their little pity parties, I can have one, too.

I guess maybe the mood I'm in could be one reason that I'm not feeling charitable towards others. But I do want to say one thing--hurts don't heal overnight. Hurts don't heal in a month. But hurts are NEVER going to heal if the person that's hurting isn't ready to let go. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and move the fuck on.

Now as for me...I'm going to indulge in a little of my own self-pity. Why is it that no matter how incredibly hard I try, I'm not ever good enough? I had another bad practice today and now I'm depressed. Oddly enough, I remember a time when cheerleading practice was fun--yet now I feel like crying just about every night. And if I don't want to cry about how terrible (yes, TERRIBLE) I am, I'm so frustrated and so angry. Why the hell can't I just get it right? Why do I feel like I'm fighting an uphill battle? I don't even want to fight the battle anymore and that's probably why I'm losing.

Our season hasn't properly started (game 1 is tomorrow) and I already feel like I usually would at the end of the season. I'm not motivated, I'm not enthusiastic...I feel like I'm putting in 100% and getting back nothing.

Ok, now that I've gotten that out...it's DONE. No more bullshit...I either need to suck it up, or shut it up. The next thing I write in this blog about cheerleading is going to be positive, or it won't be written, dammit.

An end to the negativity...

In the last few days I've been having some rather negative thoughts and feelings which have led to some negative behaviors. I'm tired of it because it just isn't me, and if it is me, it's not the me I want to be. So, I'm getting rid of all the negatives.

What does this mean? It means I need to leave Rob alone. Completely. There is something wrong with this picture if his very presence bothers me so intensely. I'm finding it difficult to even be polite, and I know that I'm not like that. I can be polite to anyone. So, tomorrow when he starts to get on my nerves I'm just going to say, "Rob, stop. Don't ask me questions, don't jump into my conversations, just stop. I'm an adult and I can worry about myself...I don't need you to be concerned with me and it's bothering me." If that doesn't work, I guess I'll have to be a bitch, so I hope he gets the message.

Secondly, I need to feel better physically. How can I do that? Exercise helps...but I'll need to do it in the morning. I also need to eat and sleep better. So I'm going to take this next week (Thanksgiving Break) and just worry about my physical health. I've gotten sick a few times already this semester and I don't think I'm giving myself enough time to recuperate. So I'm going to rest up and change my behaviors.

Lastly, I need to stop bottling things up. Generally I speak my mind, but lately I haven't been. I'm trying to deal with everything by myself but it isn't working. I just need someone to listen to me so I can get some things off my chest. I'm worried about my grades, I'm worried about my health, I'm worried about my lack of personality--I'm just worried. I need to express that instead of just ignoring it because that won't make the problems go away.

I think if I can get myself into shape next week I'll be good to go for finals and then be ready to start the new year...I want to start on the right foot.

Why is everyone so bitchy?

Tonight's practice both rocked and sucked. Why did it rock? Because the group I'm in hit their stunts (although I'm in the group, I'm not a base in that particular stunt sequence) and then we hit our dance. Why did it suck? Because girls are bitches.

Why is it people can't behave like college students long enough to work through a stunt sequence? One of the bottom girls got mad at the flyer because she doesn't support her own weight, which makes it tough for them to support her. Then the flyer got mad because she said she can't help it if her ankle rolls and they need to compensate. Personally, I think they're both right and they're both wrong.

Firstly, it is NOT a base's job to just put this girl up and hold her there for however long--as the flyer you have got to be supporting your own weight up there or there is no way we can hold you up there. Secondly, if the flyer's ankle rolls, yes the bases do need to compensate, BUT the flyer also needs to be doing her part to prevent it from happening. The point is that it's a team effort and they weren't behaving like a team. I got a good work out though...I'm well on my way to a six-pack...

Reality vs. Fiction

Today I noticed something about myself that proves I'm growing up. I guess growing up is cool, but I was kind of sad--I can't daydream like I used to. I used to fantasize all the time, imagining myself leading all sorts of impossible (but fun) lives. I could sustain one fantasy for several months at a time...and now I get bored if I do it for several minutes. Well, that's not entirely true...I get bored imagining myself in fantastic situations. I love imagining what my life will actually be like 10 or so years from now. It's crazy how suddenly reality seems so much more exciting than any fiction my mind can create...I guess that's a sign of where I'm at as a person right now. Life isn't looking too shabby suddenly...

Dadgummit

I was just finishing a paper for my stupid seminar class when the computer froze. I saved the damn thing repeatedly, so I wasn't worried, but since it froze up at midnight (when the computers automatically clear themselves of crap) I lost my paper. How do you lose a damn paper in the process of E-mailing it? I know I was supposed to save it to a disk, but I couldn't find it dammit...I'm going to bed before I burst into tears. Maybe the help desk can retrieve it for me, but I seriously doubt it...

And yet another update...

That's like, what...three for today? Anyway...have you ever had to do something you really, really don't want to? Like just now...I made a phone call and truthfully I would much rather have severed my arm than pick up that phone and dial. But I had to...my conscience wouldn't let me not make an effort. Thankfully, though, I got an answering machine (which I was half expecting anyway); but now I know that I at least made the effort. I'm not expecting my call to be returned, but that doesn't even matter to me because I know that I at least tried to do the right thing. I won't be forcing myself to do it again.

That's a load off of my mind, though, and I'm happy.

The weekend has ended

The fact that it's over would be depressing, but it was a good weekend AND this is the last week before Thanksgiving Break. Let's see, didn't do shit on Friday...Saturday was the cheer clinic followed by not doing anything and then Sunday I worked. Average weekend I guess...didn't feel like it though. It felt longer and more relaxing. Also, my momma came yesterday and catered a soulfood dinner for ABC. The food was really good, and it was nice to have her here for longer than five minutes (even if I did have to sleep on the floor). She's the reason I'm up at such an ungodly hour, cuz I don't even have class until after 12. Oh well...maybe I'll try to take a nap. I hope she has a safe trip home...

So, I've been thinking...

...a lot of times people tell me that I'm "smart" or "intelligent," and they seem to get almost offended when I tell them that I don't consider myself that way. I think I'm a person of about average intelligence. Sometimes people tell me that I'm smart based on the way I speak, but honestly that has nothing to do with how much knowledge I have--I'm a product of my environment; at home many people speak the way I do. I guess the reason I'm thinking about this is that I've always taken my ability to communicate my ideas somewhat effectively for granted. Voicing my thoughts, or writing them, is fairly easy for me. Now that isn't to say that I'm good at it, but I think that generally I can get my point across. My mother always tells me how lucky I am because of that since she herself (while being much more intelligent than me) has trouble putting her thoughts into words and "making it sound good."

I just think it's funny how the way you speak affects the way that people perceive you. Just because I talk a certain way doesn't mean I'm smart--I'm not great with science and I can barely do simple mathematics--yet many people tell me that they think I'm smart. I really don't get it...

My day of rest...

...didn't turn out to be very restful, compared to most Saturdays. I went to bed at 1 a.m. last night...which is pretty damned good for a Friday night. I was tired though...seems like I'm always tired these days. Anyway, so I got up this morning for an all day cheer clinic. We learned our entire competition routine in six hours...let me just say--I'm drained. I was supposed to go to a dance tonight, but I don't even feel like doing my laundry. I'm just zapped. And tomorrow is another long Sunday; I've got work followed by Soulfood Sunday and then I have to try and be good because my mother is going to be staying with me overnight. Please God, just let everything go well.

Also, tonight I read my horoscope for today, tomorrow, this week and this month. Now I don't take all that kind of stuff seriously (no major life decisions made based soley on them or anything), but I do like to read them--generally at night to see how accurate it was for the day. I read all of those tonight and they were really...accurate. Now, of course I can't predict the future, but since the week is over, I read the week long one and it was very accurate. So was the month one (for as much of the month has taken place) one of them accused me of letting my inner 3-year old rule me...which, as shown by the post about how pissed I got at Rob is probably very close to being spot on. They say that knowlege is power...maybe I'll grow up, LOL.

I'm a better me

Well, I'm over my frustration for the moment. I'm on my way to bed, but I feel like I need to get something off of my chest. I'm just not sure quite what it is. Lately I've put myself in a situation that required me to take a long, hard look at myself and in all honesty I think I've taken what I saw in stride. I've made mistakes and now I'm dealing with the consequences. Obviously I've grown from the person that I used to be, because only months ago I would be an emotional basketcase. I'd also be lashing out at everyone around me. So far, I haven't done any of that. No tears, no anger...just acceptance and looking forward.

What am I looking forward to? To a time when I've gotten over this newfound awkwardness (anyone that knows me is probably thinking, "New awkwardness, what about the old awkwardness?"). Oddly enough, I'd started to let go of it...when along comes a totally new situation. I hope that some day I won't be so self-conscious about it...but I think that is a long way off. For the time being, I have a new fear, a new stigma about myself and I'm going to have to work through. This is fine, but it will be a challenge. That's why I'm glad not to have wasted any unneccessary emotion on it...because that won't help.

So I've accepted the new me--I didn't have a choice; it was that or begin to really hate myself. But now I'm disappointed. I am a new me; in some ways I am better and in many ways I am not. I'm disappointed that the new better me, can't share this new part of myself. I feel like I need to keep me underwraps...and I don't like it. Maybe someday, if I'm good, I'll get to share it with someone. I guess, until then...I just need to suck it up and stop whining.

It's too early in my cycle...

...for me to be experiencing PMS. So...what's the goddamned problem? I really think the problem is Rob. He pissed me off tonight--without even doing anything. He sat with us at dinner, which is no problem because he does this all the time, but he didn't contribute at all to the conversation. He sat...and stared. Then he chose to address one person (Alex) at an entire table full of people. He addressed all questions to her (Are you going to the concert, Alex [2 seconds after we'd discussed going to the concert]? See ya later, Alex. Etc). Now, if he likes Alex, that's fine...but don't sit at a table full of people, eavesdrop on our conversation, interject semi-snide comments at inopportune times, and then only address ONE person at the table. Things like that really annoy the fuck out of me.

So as he left, he said bye to Alex. She ignored him and I said, "See ya later, Rob." And then he addressed me for the first time with "Are you going to the concert?" Followed by a barage of questions. I get back to my room and log on to MSN messenger. He immediately pops up and tells me that there's an opening act playing...I made a non-committal reply (when I'm really thinking...so fucking what?) and he asks if I'm going. I hadn't planned on it...and told him so. His reply? Neither had I, but I'm going now...want to come over with me? I say no and that I may not even go to the concert (it's not my style anyway)...20 more questions about why not.

Finally, he leaves and at the time the concert is supposed to start, I go over. I walk to sit with a group of my cheerleading buddies...next thing I know he's right next to me. And he sits down and starts asking inane questions. How was the trip to the art museum on Wednesday? I heard you drove Doug's car...did you give him a heart attack? Do you like the music? Are you tired? You don't look enthused, are you having a good time? And on and on and on...the muscian wasn't bad, but I didn't enjoy it and ended up leaving before it was over.

For anyone reading this that thinks I'm overreacting, I probably am. But I go through this EVERY day with him..always with the questions: Where are you going? Who you going with? What are you going to do? Do you wanna do something? Mind if I come up to your room? Wanna watch Star Wars? Etc., etc. I feel like I'm going freakin' insane!

Another Hellish Day Ended

Well, Thursdays are my 3rd most hated day of the week (Tuesdays and Fridays really suck) because they're incredibly rushed. Today was no different. What was different, however, was that tonight instead of rushing from work to practice, I rushed to a scrimmage and the kick-off of basketball season. This required full uniform and hair and make-up and let me just say--it was NOT worth it. I had fun though, our performance went great and I looked hott in my short skirt (just kidding LOL) and at least I kind of know what to expect next week when the season gets going for real. Go MU!

Oh and tomorrow will be another Hell day, but at least after 5 p.m. I'm done...Saturday we have an all-day clinic to learn our competition routine, so I can't even sleep in on my ONE sleep-in day. This routine better be super-tight, as early as they're making me get up. Ok, I think I'm out for the night...I'm going to catch a shower and take myself to bed. G'night.

Early Morning Procrastination

I have an English draft due in less than three hours. I'm not working on it. In fact, I haven't started. Why? I'm not motivated, and honestly I just don't care. What a terrible attitude that is for a college student, right? Certainly not a characteristic attitude for me...so what's the problem? The problem is I'm tired. I haven't been sleeping well and I'm feeling run down. I don't care about anything at the moment, and that's a bad sign.

I deleted my crazy post before anyone could read it, thank goodness. I'm not feeling much better about it, but I decided I should keep it to myself. Also, I talked to my cousin yesterday. I didn't really have much to say, but it was nice to hear from him. I also made several phone calls, so hopefully my mom will stop bugging me about not keeping in touch with anyone.

I'm about to begin this draft and I'm really only half awake...so I'm drinking Coke to help me wake up. Sorry, Chanda--I tried.

Always Rushin'..

I'm on my way to cheerleading practice, but there's something on my mind. I was hoping that by starting a new blog it would come out, but it's right on the tip of my fingers, LOL. Oh well...I'll have to come back to it later.

Put a fork in me, I'm done (or am I?)

Well, I finally decided that I'm done posting at The Council. Someone over there has a stalker, another person is so immature that reading his posts makes me sick to my stomach, and well...I don't know any of the people posting. Deadpool is MIA, Kristy is quiet...there's just nothing to keep me interested. I am glad however, that I started my own blog...it's really theraputic and just what I need these days.

Well, isn't that typical...

I've never considered myself the "typical girl." Sometimes I'll just listen to girls my age talk about what interests them, or worries them, etc. and most of the time I can't relate. I listen to girls talk about their relationships with their parents, boyfriends, friends, etc. and I don't relate to that either. I've thought of myself as a jealous, selfish person before...but amazingly when it comes to things like guys, I'm not jealous. I don't understand why girls get angry if their boyfriend talks to another girl, or if he doesn't remember every little detail of everything they've ever done together. I guess things like that just aren't me (or haven't been so far). So I am really surprised that amid all this atypicalness...I'm having a very typical reaction to something else.

I'm completely over analyzing a situation. I've examined everything that happened, everything that was said...and some things that were not. Now, I walked into this situation with open eyes...and now that I'm walking out, I wonder if I shut my eyes at some point? This is new territory for me...this second guessing and obsessing. Well, the second guessing is, LOL. Anyway...I just thought it was odd that I would finally start being a typical chick...at the exact wrong moment in my life. But then, would there ever have been a right moment?

I'm ahead

Have you ever been told something that you know isn't true, but you'd like to believe it anyway? How about several somethings? Personally, I think that only a short while ago I would have ridiculed someone that did that, yet now...I find myself in the same situation. In my mind I keep hearing bits and pieces and phrases over and over again. These snippets make me remember a time that I was happy...very happy. And now I'm thinking that it was all a big lie. That's devastating. So I'm thinking of quitting while I'm ahead, and leaving the whole situation alone. Except that quitting is now out of my hands...it's been decided and it wasn't my decision to make. I can't say I'm sorry. I wouldn't even say that I'm hurt, as I wasn't too emotionally invested...I'm just...well, here.

I believe in the power of prayer

I have to, I've seen it do too many good things. It has helped me go to college, helped my sister and one of my cousins get better from life-threatening illnesses, and generally puts me at peace.

The reason prayer is on my mind right now is that I was skimming through the new posts at the Council Chambers. One of the posters, Dante Claracuzio (a right-winger, who from what I can tell [keep in mind I don't actually know this person] is about as typical as a conservative Republican gets), posted about how the Liberals are losing us this war, etc. He also stated that now he has more hatred for and wants us to kill all the "brown people" in Iraq.

When I read this, all I could think is that his attitude is the exact attitude that caused the terrorists to attack us on Sept. 11, 2001. That attitude is the same attitude that we don't understand and despise in our enemies abroad. And that attitude will get us nowhere. What good comes of hating an entire people? What good comes of hating an entire people that you don't even know? I started to post a comment that I would be praying for him. I hope that at some point he wakes up and realizes just how hurtful a negative attitude like that can be. More than likely, however, he won't, and that's why I didn't bother to post the comment. But I think I will still pray for him...a little prayer never hurt anyone, and if anything it may just do him a world of good.

The Council

I got into this whole blogging thing because one night when I was inebriated I let my cousin sign me up. He made me a member of his Council Chambers blog and for the longest time I was afraid to post anything because I felt like an intruder...someone that didn't quite fit. So I worked up my courage and made a few posts and a few comments...but I've come to the conclusion that I'm still an outsider. Honestly, it's like high school all over again (except for the fact that I don't have to [in fact I don't, LOL] see these people every day, there's no crappy food and no teachers that tell us we're "adults" while treating us like children...hmm...maybe it's not so much like high school...anyway..). My point is, that I've virtually stopped posting and commenting and I really feel like I shouldn't even read it. I don't know these people; they are not my friends. I'm violating their privacy and I think I should stop. It just isn't right to "be all in people's bizness."

Nothing But God

Sometimes I swear that God has a plan for me that I don't yet see or understand. Today is one of those days. Nothing profound happened...but it was still quite odd. I've been taking a prescription lately, but I didn't want my mom to know. I'm not dying or anything, but I wasn't ready to share this information with her just yet (also an oddity--I tell her just about everything). This morning on her way to work, she happened to see the pill bottle in my purse because the zipper is broken. This is the same woman who never sees ANYTHING in the morning. Not notes on the mirror, the door, her checkbook, her wallet or even on her steering wheel...yet she saw a pill bottle in my open purse and stopped long enough to read (and remember) the name of the medication. Anyone that knows my mom, knows that all of this is a miracle...and must have been God working to clue her in to what is going on with me. When she got home from work, she questioned me about it and of course I was angry for a minute, I mean...in my mind she was snooping. But I know that she doesn't snoop and that something must have really been out of place for her to stumble upon this information. So she looked up the name of the meds and knows what's going on now. I can't say I'm mad...I planned to tell her anyway, just not right this minute. She didn't get mad, didn't yell...and we haven't really talked it out...but it's enough just to know that she knows and that we will talk. God really works in mysterious ways, I guess...

Random Thoughts 3

Have you ever met someone that is exactly like someone else you know? It happened to me once with Rob (he's exactly as I imagine a chat-buddy named Trevor, oddly enough, I originally thought they were a lot alike, then thought not and now have the feeling that they really are), and today it happened again. Today though, I briefly encountered a man that's exactly like someone else I know. They speak alike, same voice inflections, same word choice and mannerisms...it was crazy, especially since this man is easily 10 or 12 years older than the person I know. It was like looking into a crystal ball...eery and exciting at the same time.

Also, I was thinking...do I really have random thoughts? I mean, I have several posts that I call random thoughts...but generally the thoughts aren't that random. They're things that have been weighing heavily (or not so heavily) on my mind at that moment. Generally I spend much more than a split second thinking about them, so can they really be considered random? I guess when I say "random thoughts" I just mean a thought that isn't complete enough for an entire blog post, but that I need to get out anyway...so I just add it to two or three or twelve other incomplete thoughts.

I'm going to change the world...

Ok, well...today I decided that I want to change the world. Then I really thought about it...what exactly does that mean? I mean, I don't have to cure cancer or find a way to stop global warming...or do I? I don't think so. I think that I can change the world several times a day. If I make small talk with someone and happen to brighten their day, I've changed their world. Haven't I? I hope so.

I hope that the good feelings that one person has will ripple and touch everyone they meet, and ripple from those people and so on and so on until everyone is smiling. Now, is that likely to happen? No. Is it possible? I really think so. Isn't that kind of power thrilling? It is to me. So from now on, my goal every day is to change the world. Well, to change someone's world. Maybe if I do this many times a day...I can make the whole world better, if only for a little while. In times like these, we all need that...

New Year's Resolution/Plan of action

Today I realized something: I'm doing terribly with my New Year's resolution, and it's almost time to make another one. I really cannot believe how fast this year has flown by...and how much my life has changed in the space of 11 months. I'm a legal adult, I've had some very adult experiences, I live in a new state, I attend a new school, have new friends/interests. It's really odd to think of all the new and different things that I'm experiencing...and how easily I've adapted.

At any rate...my NYRes last year was: Be a more positive person and affect others in a positive manner. At the moment, I really suck. First off, I know that the majority of my thoughts are negative. I can't help it. I have negative thoughts about myself, I'm overly critical of others...in general I think I just have a bad attitude, and that makes me sad because I don't want to be that kind of person. My main goal in life is to be a good person...I want people to smile when they think of me, like I smile when I think of certain people. The trouble is...I'm not all that good, and it is hard for me to behave well for long periods of time.

As for affecting others positively...well, I haven't done much of that lately either. Why? Because I'm too selfish. How many times do I not do something because I want to sleep in, or because I just want to relax? By always putting what I want and what I think I need first, I've missed so many opportunities to help others. So, starting today, all of this needs to change. I've had almost an entire year to make myself and my world better and I have to say my efforts have been lacking. So, I need a plan of action.

• Join the Maryville Community Service Club
• Join CAB
• Tutor in the Academic Success Center
• Become a Conversation Partner (help exchange students practice spoken English)
• Take on greater responsibilities in my current extra-curricular activities

Also, I want to start trying to build up others, instead of tear them down. I want to let go of all the pettiness and try (notice I said try, and I will try incredibly hard) to be more accepting of my peers. Wow...I've got a lot of things to work on, don't I? Well then, I'd better begin...

I'm not afraid of the terrorists...

I'm afraid of George W. Bush. I'm afraid of what the world will be like with four more years of a Bush presidency. I'm afraid that I won't have a job when I graduate from college. I'm afraid that I won't be able to afford to graduate. I'm afraid of WW3, which in my mind has already started. I'm afraid that the US is going to go from a superpower to a 3rd world country (think that sounds extreme? Well, I believe it can and likely will happen with Dubya as President.). I'm afraid for the environment and the economy. I'm afraid for a woman's right to choose. I'm afraid for the poor and working class of this country. I'm afraid for the seniors that won't get healthcare or social security. I'm afraid of being drafted. I'm afraid of my brothers being drafted. I'm afraid of U.S. bankruptcy. I'm afraid of the possibility of nuclear or biological warfare. I'm afraid that I won't be alive to be afraid in four years. Now maybe all of this is very extreme, but for me it's a real fear. I am afraid...very afraid.

Election Day

Well, today's the big day. I've been waiting for this day since I was six years old...the first time that I'd get to cast my vote. What's funny though, is that I actually cast my vote a few weekends ago. But still, it's an important day for the U.S. I'm praying that the election turns out for the best.

But today, actually for a long time, I've come to the conclusion that many Americans are full of shit. They go on and on about how great this country is, yet they do nothing to make it great. They don't appreciate their freedoms and many of them seem to think that Americans are better than everyone else just because they're American. I'm tired of listening to people go on and on about how wonderful we are and how sad they are that "Bush is ruining our great country" or how "Kerry will destroy everything we hold dear" as if what's best for the US is all that matters in the world.

It only takes one person...

I've felt like hell all day (physically and emotionally) and I haven't had much patience, either. Consequently, I snapped at Rob all day long because instead of just leaving me to enjoy my misery he kept trying to see if I was all right. I'm really glad that he cares, I just didn't feel like being bothered. Tonight was also a surprise party for one of my neighbors and a friend woke me up so that I could go. On the way back to my room, I ran into one of my classmates (who is just the coolest person ever) and she told me she'd come check on me later. She brought me a little tea tray complete with choices on tea, chewy candy and sugar. What a sweetheart...I already feel that much better because someone cared enough to do something nice for me. I'm headed to bed...but I definitely want to remember to send her a thank you...or do something to repay the kindness. Thanks, Suzan!

Adulthood Sucks

Ok, I've recently been spending a lot of my time on discovering how to be a mature adult. But in all honesty...today is one of those days when I want to be anything but mature. I feel like shit and look like it too. My teacher pissed me off and I missed a test because my entire body feels like one giant ache. And on top of that, I received some life altering news that has me practically in tears. Would it be so wrong of me to revert back to childhood for just one day?

He called/The Grudge

Ok, weird thing of all weird things...last night at 2:30 or so Jason (the guy I gave my number to) called me to see if me and my friends wanted to meet him somewhere (it was late and I was half asleep). I don't know what to make of it...it really surprised me.

Tonight we saw The Grudge. It was decent I guess. Of course I jumped and cried like a little bitch, everyone knows I'm a big baby, but as far as plot and punchline goes, it kinda sucked. Oh well...I got a couple good scares, that's what really matters, LOL. Well, all and all I'd say it was a very successful weekend, full of things to look forward to and enjoy. Now, if only the week will go as well. I need to call my Dad tomorrow--it's his birthday. Other than that...no real plans. Going to try to hit the doctor's office and make it to class. I hope I can sleep tonight...