My darkest secret.

I still don't know why I did it, but I just had to go prying into the darkest corner of my past. When I was 16, I had an online dalliance with a 40 year-old man. In retrospect, I'd say he was a pedophile...or at least a pervert.

Anyway, I've recently been thinking about it--what was my frame of mind? Why would I do that? Why did I let it get so out of hand? What was wrong with me?

I know the answers to most of those questions. I was a prime target for internet predators. I was lonely, awkward, alienated from my peers--and all I wanted was someone to want me. One good thing, though, is that I'm not stupid. I knew what was happening the whole time, and I went along with it because it made me feel good at the time.

After answering the questions about myself, though, I started wanting to know about him. What makes a 40 year old man prey on a lonely teenager or adolescent? How much of what he fed me was bullshit? Is he married? Does he have a family? I'm suddenly very curious. So I dug around in my old e-mail account and located his email address. I emailed him.

I'm sure nothing will come of it (I basically asked him if he remembered me or not), but I felt like I had to do it. I have to seek answers to my questions. I guess I'm really just trying to put this firmly behind me and I don't think I'll be able to until it's over. Well and truly over.