My Spotless Mind

Tonight while mindlessly watching television I did a little reflecting on the last week. I've accomplished nothing. Absolutely nothing. In fact, I've just wasted seven days of my precious life that I will never, ever get back. But wasting my life for the last week doesn't bother me. What does bother me, is that the only thing I did this week was prove to myself that I'm a punk-ass bitch, because only a little bitch would spend all week drowning in hurtful memories.

I've never seen the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind but what I read that the premise is a guy whose trying to cut his ex-girlfriend out of his life by erasing the memories of her (and if I'm not mistaken, later realizes he wants to keep the memories or some bullshit). I can kinda relate to this storyline in that I have some memories I would love to have erased. It really is a novel idea...why hasn't modern medicine picked up on it?

Would I erase people from my memory? Probably not...all the people I've met, including the bad ones, have contributed to the person I am today. I may not completely know myself, but on the whole I couldn't have picked a better person to be, I don't think, so I'm going to say that all of the people I've known have had some sort of positive effect on my life. So what would I erase?

I'd erase all the memories that come back to haunt me days, weeks, months and years after the fact--all the ones that make me doubt myself or make me feel inferior. All the times I felt I wasn't good enough. All the times my best wasn't enough. I'd erase all the times I sought empty praise from others just to prove to myself that I was good enough. I'd erase all the times that I let someone build me up with their words, only to tear me down with their actions. I'd erase the times that they did it. And, hopefully, by erasing all the memories of the hurt from my mind, I'd erase the damage it's done to my soul. Or maybe not...it's likely I'd only change the person that I am. But would I be better or would I be worse? I guess I'll never know...