I'm a better me

Well, I'm over my frustration for the moment. I'm on my way to bed, but I feel like I need to get something off of my chest. I'm just not sure quite what it is. Lately I've put myself in a situation that required me to take a long, hard look at myself and in all honesty I think I've taken what I saw in stride. I've made mistakes and now I'm dealing with the consequences. Obviously I've grown from the person that I used to be, because only months ago I would be an emotional basketcase. I'd also be lashing out at everyone around me. So far, I haven't done any of that. No tears, no anger...just acceptance and looking forward.

What am I looking forward to? To a time when I've gotten over this newfound awkwardness (anyone that knows me is probably thinking, "New awkwardness, what about the old awkwardness?"). Oddly enough, I'd started to let go of it...when along comes a totally new situation. I hope that some day I won't be so self-conscious about it...but I think that is a long way off. For the time being, I have a new fear, a new stigma about myself and I'm going to have to work through. This is fine, but it will be a challenge. That's why I'm glad not to have wasted any unneccessary emotion on it...because that won't help.

So I've accepted the new me--I didn't have a choice; it was that or begin to really hate myself. But now I'm disappointed. I am a new me; in some ways I am better and in many ways I am not. I'm disappointed that the new better me, can't share this new part of myself. I feel like I need to keep me underwraps...and I don't like it. Maybe someday, if I'm good, I'll get to share it with someone. I guess, until then...I just need to suck it up and stop whining.