Random Thoughts 4

I got my eyebrows waxed today. It never ceases to amaze me that I can stand to have burning wax applied to my face and ripped unceremoniously off of it, yet I cry the moment I see a pair of tweezers. The guy that waxed me was cute, even if he was a homo (and therefore off limits).

My boobs are different. I don't know exactly what's up because they seem to be the same size (and I've been measuring), but they also seem to be fuller, or something. It's totally weird...I feel like I'm in the wrong body or something. Then again, I'm probably just enjoying what I've got now, whereas before I didn't even notice. But if they are getting bigger, I won't complain...

I saw National Tresure today...good movie.

I lost the URL to Tim's blog. I guess I can just ask him for it, but it pisses me off that I can't remember it...it's not even that difficult. He probably hasn't updated anyway, but I still want to get in the habit of adding him to my daily blog checks.

I'm worried about Francesca. I don't know her, even if I kinda feel like I do. But she's not well, I can tell that from reading her blog. What's worse, is that I think the very thing she doesn't want is what will end up happening if she doesn't come out of this depression soon. I'm not saying she needs to be "good as new" tomorrow, but I wish she'd stop blaming herself for that whole Jay thing. I don't know him either, but I can tell he's not worth it.

I feel like a scrooge. Here it is, practically December and I'm already thinking "Fuck the holidays." I dunno why, really. I'm thinking of staying at Maryville over Christmas break. Momma will be gone and well...if I'm going to be alone I can just as easily be alone there, right? I don't know...guess it depends on how I feel in a few weeks.

I just discovered last night that Christmas (and therefore New Year's) will be on a Friday/Saturday night. If I were a party animal, this would be exciting. If I come back to Iowa, I won't do anything special, but then, if I stay in STL I'll be alone. If I have my way, on New Year's Eve I will be drunk as a skunk and partying like it's going out of style. I just don't want to wind up at home alone this year, I'm too old for that.

I realized today that I'm eighteen years old. Big realization, right? But it dawned on me that in a few short years (well, they'll fly by I imagine) I will be 36 and then 50 and before you know it, I'll be dead. One day I'm going to wake up an old woman (or even middle aged) and then what is there? Nothing but death to look forward to. It is kind of depressing to know how quickly life will pass and how afraid I am of it ending...but I hope that by the time I've lived and grown I will be ready for death. The last thing I want to do is to continue to fear something that is inevitable.

Maybe instead of buying a car soon, I'll just save that money and add to it and buy a car next summer. The only thing is, that if I save that money until next summer, I'll probably just put it toward my tuition, like an idiot (LOL). I was thinking though, that next summer I'd like to work full time...weekdays though...like a regular 9 to 5 or something, so that I can still have time to do stuff. If I can do that, I'll save all that money (less travel expenses and the occasional movie) and then I won't have to work as much during the school year. If I even continue with school. Lord help me.

I would really enjoy some cappucino fudge blitz ice cream right about now.

I need to get my hair done soon--I got my brows done and my nails are halfway decent...now just to take care of the hair and on the outside I'll look like a calm and put together young lady, even if my sanity is about to unravel. I can already tell that the next two weeks (until finals) are going to be sheer hell. And then there's the emotional turmoil that I stupidly insist on putting myself through...so between the two (oh and cheerleading, so between the three) I can tell that I'll be a basketcase by the middle of next week.

Speaking of emotional turmoil, one thing that I can proudly say is that although I've replayed scenes over and over again, I have yet to totally lose it. I've shed no tears, and really feel no sad or sorrowful emotion. I think the only reason I'm dwelling on it is that for some odd reason I don't feel like I've gotten closure on the situation. But really, how much closure do I need? What I got has got to be enough because I'm certainly not getting any more.

I can't believe it is already time to go back to school. If I can just keep my GPA where it needs to be, everything will be ok. Pray for me y'all...

I never did write that BIG paper that is past due...see, it's procrastination like this that's going to fuck me in the ass two weeks from now. If I can just make it through this semester without being stupid enough to lose my scholarship, I promise I will be SOOO much better.

Well, I'd better take myself to bed, I'm being counter-productive. G'night.