New Year's Resolutions

It's that time again, y'all. Time to make some resolutions that I won't keep for next year. Last year I said that I wanted to have a more positive attitude and affect others in a more positive way. From where I'm sitting that lasted all of 24 seconds. I also resolved to have the best year ever...which I did. One out of two isn't bad, right? Ok, this year's list is going to be short and sweet.

1. No soda.
2. Less cussing.
3. More self-confidence.
4. More positivity.
5. More independence/adventure.

I'd say that I want to keep my room clean, but I know it won't happen. All right...I'm out.

Was it my perfume?

I went out with a friend from high school tonight. Originally a group was going, but it ended up being the two of us (mainly because I was already dressed and I was damned if I wasn't going somewhere). It was really nice though because it gave us both a chance to catch up now that she's going to school in Illinois and I'm in Missouri. It was also a weird experience for me.

One of the reasons I don't like going out where I live is because I don't get noticed. That probably shouldn't matter, but it does. I spent my whole life not being noticed by members of the opposite sex. I figured that once high school was over that would change, but it didn't. Now that I'm in a new environment though (STL...I love the 'Lou) that has changed a little, but not much. When I went out with my brother last week, I remembered why I hate going out around here...it's like high school all over again. And like in high school, I just do my own thing and make my own fun. After 18 years, I'm pretty damn good at it, too. I decided to do just that tonight. Usually when I go out I fuss over what I'm going to wear and how I'm going to do my hair and my make-up and whatever whatever, but tonight I was just like "fuck it, I'm going out and I'm going out however the hell I want to." My mom said I looked good, but she always says that, LOL.

So I got dressed just for me. I didn't put a lot of extra thought into "looking cute," I just wanted to feel good. And I did. No make-up...spent 5 minutes on my hair...and I went out with my friend with the intention of just dancing and making small talk. Within five minutes (no lie) of being in the club, I had a guy attached to my hip. Don't ask me how it happened cuz I don't know. But it was like that ALL night. It was so weird. The minute I quit giving a damn about who was there and who was watching, I ended up having to beat guys off with a stick. I don't know what it was. Maybe it was my perfume? LOL...I don't wear this one often, but I really think that's it. Or maybe it was my attitude. Who knows? What's funny though is that I had more fun tonight than I've probably had in the last four years of being in high school and my first semester of being in college.

We're supposed to be going out on Saturday night as a New Year's celebration (who knows what I'm doing Friday). I'm really excited. I'm going to go and do my thing and hang with my girls from high school and I'm going to have fun. I think that attitude of "I'm going to have fun dammit" really works. So I guess we'll see...

2 a.m. Wednesday night/Thursday Morning...

Post-Holiday Depression

I'm stuck in one of those really low places. It's absolutely ridiculous. I'm depressed because I'm dying...how stupid is that? Everyone is dying. It's what we're born to do; it's inevitable. So why does it scare me so much? Probably because I'm a big wuss. But anyway...I just keep thinking that one day I'm going to wake up an old woman. And then the day after that, I may not wake up at all. I think what scares me most is the unknown. When I was little and I used to tell my mom that I was afraid to die she would ask me why. She said that I wouldn't know when I died because I wouldn't be able to feel it, but how does she know? She's never died. It's weird. I keep imagining my body without my soul and I just don't like the idea. I can't shake it.

Moving on from my irrational fear of death, lately I seem to be afraid of life. Yeah, I know...I'm an all around nut-case these days. It's not even that I'm afraid of life, but I'm stuck in a "rut" of sorts and I never do anything new. I don't get out and experience life because I'm afraid of making mistakes. Also, I'm afraid to get out there alone, and as much as I love my friends, they aren't the adventurous "experience the crazy things in life" type people.

I just feel like there's something I'm missing, and I have no idea what it is. My life doesn't suck. There are millions, if not billions, of people in the world who would trade places with me in a heartbeat. I have everything I could ever want or dream of, but I'm still not happy. Why is this? What does that say about me? Why do I always seem to want more than what I have?

I'm just rambling. I don't even know what the point of all this is. I'm just really down. I hope I can get out of this pretty soon; it takes too much energy to be depressed.

Oh yeah, and everyone pray for the families that were touched/harmed by that big tsunami. They need all the blessings they can get.

Merry Christmas

I had a good holiday. I didn't get much, but then, I didn't ask for much. I got good grades, I'm healthy and so far I'm not up to my neck in college debt. I'm doing just swell, LOL. The phone calls started at 7 a.m. Scrooge that I am, I rolled over and slept through most of them. A cousin that I'm not fond of called and I ignored her too. Then my daddy woke me up to take the damn call. I'll remember that. She ended up coming over and bugging me while I got ready for dinner at my aunt and uncle's house. My uncle (Dad's brother) had to work, so he left. My aunt's (by marriage) nieces and nephews were there. It's weird. We sort of grew up knowing each other and playing with each other because we're all in the same age group. Now all of them either have kids or are pregnant (or have a pregnant girlfriend). It's crazy to me. So crazy.

My aunt and her sisters made a big fuss over how much I've grown i.e. started to fill out. I really don't know what's up, but in the last few weeks my weight has sort of been redistributed. I'm not complaining, but did they feel the need to say "Look, she's getting boobies" in front of all those people? Anyway...I had a good holiday. I was going to go out tonight, but I'm sleepy. It must be all the food, because I slept late and it's only 9:00. Whatever it is, I'm not going anywhere but to bed. In a minute or two...I want to have some cookies first.

Hurt Feelings

I knew it was a bad idea for my mom to go visit my sister right after she had the baby. I tried to warn her, but she was too excited to be with her oldest daughter when she had her first baby to listen. I'm smart enough now not to say "I told you so," but I did tell her so. And it breaks my heart.

I love my mother. I love my sister. But honestly, sometimes they both piss me off. Especially my sister. Sometimes I wonder if she even occupies the same planet as other people. When she and Michael were dating (engaged actually), she would get so freakin' angry if people asked them anything about their relationship (are you guys planning to get married, etc). I figured whatever, it's their business. But when she got pregnant, they went ahead and got married. And didn't tell my mom. Or me. Or anyone in our family. I ended up finding out, but I didn't say anything simply because obviously she didn't want anyone to know.

Then when my mom went out to be with her after the baby was born, she was mean to her. When something went wrong with the baby (she's having problems breastfeeding), they never told my mom. When she asked, my sister went off on her. She couldn't stop telling my mom how much she hoped she was as good a parent as her father was (the same father that cheated on my mom, left her, didn't come visit her [the sister] when she had cancer, basically hasn't done anything for her). My mom is so hurt. I totally understand why. What I don't understand is why my sister is being so terrible. I know she's going through a lot of changes and stuff with having a new baby (and a husband that she never told our family about), but that doesn't mean she should treat my mother that way. I didn't realize it was bothering my mom so much until tonight when I was eavesdropping on her phone conversation with one of my aunts.

I know this is a terrible thing to say, but I honestly hope that my sister goes through the same thing with her daughter. I hope that someday Michaela looks her in her face and tells her that she was a bad parent, after she's spent 20 or 30 years sacrificing her time for Michaela and her money and giving her everything she's had to give. I know that no one should have to be that hurt by their children, but you know what? You should "do unto others as you would have them do unto you." She hurt my mom really badly, and I hope that someday she has some inkling of what she's done. I'm disgusted.

Updates

I just realized I haven't posted anything (or read either) since late Tuesday night. Hmm...that's odd. I guess I just have stuff going on....nothing big. I hung out with Mandy, went out with my brother (which was fun and weird) and I've been house sitting.

I haven't really been online much, haven't even really checked my e-mail. I'm just chillin' I guess. If I don't post again soon, Merry Christmas, y'all.

I'm out...

Early Morning

It's almost 1 a.m. Momma came home today and I'm glad. I missed her and I need to get my laundry done. I know...I'm a terrible daughter, LOL. We didn't do much because she didn't get in until almost 4 and it was getting dark, etc. We may go finish our last minute shopping tomorrow (today). I start house sitting for TeAhnna tomorrow. I'm not actually going to stay in her house though, just go over a few times a day and feed the cat and water the tree and make sure her water pipes don't freeze.

I'm thinking of buying an iPod or it's equivalent after Christmas. I don't know why...I really don't need one...but well, I want it. I also want...well I want a lot of things that I don't really need, LOL. The iPod thing is probably the safest way to go...

Bedtime. G'night.

P.S.--Chanda, do you not check your Maryville mail? I need your address and Alex's so that I can send you a Christmas card. Like an idiot I left them in my room at school, which is clean by the way. Yes, I know I said that already, but I'm proud. Get at me. LOL...

What the fuck...

...is wrong with my parents? It's almost 10 a.m. and I'm tired. I was up all night...that's to be expected. I just got off the phone with my mom...I think she's insane. She wakes me up and asks me what time I went to bed, so I tell her. Then she asks me if I'll pick her up at the air port tomorrow. I say yes, but it's like a 3 hour drive and she's afraid it's going to snow, even though it's not in the forecast and I tell her this. So she makes me fire up the computer, check 2 different weather services (which tell her the same damn thing I already said) and 15 minutes later decides she doesn't want to take the chance of me driving. I can't believe she woke me up for this shit...

Gee Golly Gosh

It is now 5:00 in the morning, and I haven't been to sleep. It took me forever to pirate and burn that cd, and in the mean time I got busy on my Christmas cards. I have all the personalized ones personalized and addressed and all the generic "Merry Christmas! Love, Jaime" cards are signed and sealed and waiting to be addressed. I'll mail them out tomorrow....yay me, for once I didn't procrastinate (technically I didn't, because I needed to be at home to get the majority of the addresses and I did it the first night I was home).

My daddy got up at 4 to start getting ready for work, and he's the reason I'm blogging now. I came upstairs and he asked me why I was still up and I told him that I was working on my Christmas cards. Then he pointed at the Sunday paper and asked me if I'd read it. I told him that I hadn't yet and asked if there was something in there that I needed to see. He asked me, "How would you feel if you were at work and got a call that your wife had been murdered and your baby cut from her womb and kidnapped?" Obviously, I said "I think I'd feel terrible." (Lame I know, but I can't even begin to imagine how that would feel) So what does he say? "Yep, terrible. Just like not knowing whether or not your 18 year old daughter was in a car accident on the highway or if she'd been kidnapped and (insert brutal scenario here cuz I'm not typing what he really said). "

Now this begs the question...when the HELL did he become so good at laying on the guilt trip? And furthermore, when did he start giving a damn? Dammit...

Home, Sweet Home

Well, I finally got off my ass and went home today. I made it in at about 7:30ish and my whole family was pissed at me for not calling. I said I'd be home Sunday, not Sunday morning. So I had to call my mom in North Carolina, and my aunt and my brother William and a few other people to let them know that I wasn't "dead or raped on the highway" and get a lecture from my dad. It's nice to know that he actually worried, but why did he call all those people? What good did it do but cause them to worry?

Anyway, on the way home I got to thinking about stuff--things I've dealt with this year, stuff I realized, etc. I will write more about it later I think, because I don't feel like getting into it right now, but I know that it's time to let it out before I go insane. Damn the consequences.

Also, I realized one of the reasons it's nice to come home. I went to McDonald's on my way to the house and I made my order. I'm kind of a picky eater, and I order the same thing every time I go in (and after several years they get it right, which is one of the reasons I hate going to any other McDonald's because they always fuck up my order, LOL). Tonight I ordered and the girl said, "Is that you, Jaime?" And I was like, "Yeah, it's me." So I didn't even have to finish my order because she already knew what it was. I went to high school with her, so it was nice to talk for a minute. Also, some other friends were in McDonald's and they came to the order window to chat with me. Small towns are great (some days). One thing that tells me, though, is that I eat at McDonald's way too much. I smell a New Year's Resolution, LOL.

As I type, I am illegally downloading music files. I miss being able to pirate songs...LOL. When I left for college my mom had our computer professionally "cleaned out" and deleted my user account for XP and made hers password protected so that I can't download any more (I can only use the guest account and guests don't have permission to install file sharing software). I had this elaborate plan to call my mom in NC and tell her that the printer was broken and that to fix it I needed her password so that I could get into the main controls (my mommy is computer illiterate), but when I got home, the pc is already logged into her account. I'm glad. I would have hated to lie. But I still would have...LOL...

So that's the update on my life...btw, Chanda....I actually cleaned my room before I left. No..really, I did.

So much to do, so little time...

Can I Get a Hell Yeah?!

Grades came out today. My Freshman Seminar teacher, procrastinator that he is, hasn't turned in his grades yet. But I got A's in all my other classes! I'm so excited because I thought for sure that I had blown it in all but one class and I'm happy to know that I didn't. Right now my GPA is 3.929, but we'll see after they get Freshman Sem. in there.

I'm so happy that it doesn't even matter that I have to work all day...

The Dessert Guy

Today while I was at work, the guy we order our desserts from came in with new stuff for everyone to sample. Sharon called out to me so I could come taste the cakes (oh they were incredible...hehehe) and the guy (probably in his mid to late 50s) looks at me and says "You look like you don't eat, try this" and starts shoving desserts down my throat. Then he grabbed me by the waist and said..."Yep, you need food." I was like "Ok nice older gentleman, please don't touch me." LOL...

I think it's just odd how people's perceptions can be so different. Because the whole time he's like "you're too skinny, you must not eat" I'm thinking, "I'm never going to lose 10 lbs. eating this shit." But it was really good, there was this fudgie brownie stuff. It was great. Anyway...I don't think I'm too skinny...what does everyone else think? LOL...

It's almost 3 a.m.

...and I really am on my way to bed, I swear. But before I went, I happened to be perusing blogger. Just reading random blogs...it's amazing how much of their lives people put into a blog. I think some of the appeal is that blogging makes you anonymous. You can put your life and your thoughts and your emotions into words and share it with others, but you don't really have to share too much.

For me it's different, because I have people that I see often that read my blog, but also it's good because they get a glimpse into my mind. Especially since maybe it's hard for me to say those things out loud. I don't know...I'm just going on and on.

Rob sent me an e-mail at 1:15 a.m. It said, "Let me know when you're going home so that I can stop by and say goodbye. I hope you're enjoying spending time with your siblings." He's insane. I told him yesterday that I was going to my sister's house to say goodbye to my brothers. Just because I haven't spoken to him he thinks I never came back? I'm not complaining though...that's probably why he hasn't been calling and stopping by my room. Not only that, but he already knows that I have to work until Friday, so it's a moot point.

What am I going to do with him? I guess maybe I have to tell him I don't even want to be friends any more because his idea of "friendship" is not the same as mine. The whole situation is an unneeded stress and it shouldn't be...I mean, he's only one person. So, it has to end. I think I'll think about the best way to proceed after I go home.

I wonder if Valerie can do my hair for me before I leave? I'll have to call her and see...

No Human Contact

I haven't had any human contact today. I got a phone call from an automated machine type thingie, but I don't count that. I talked on two answering machines, and while I was in the shower I heard the only other girl on that's still here go into the bathroom...but still no contact. It's weird and it's kinda nice. I've just been bumming around all day (it's after seven and I'm just getting out of the shower, LOL)--watching tv, playing loud music, aimlessly surfing the internet. I think I'm going to order some Chinese food later...

I watched MTV2 practically all day long for some reason and I saw the new Eminem video "Like Toy Soldiers" several times. I'd seen it before today, but seeing it so many times makes me realize how awesome it is. It's a good video with good special effects and I love the song, especially the part where the kids sing. I really love the message--don't be a pawn. I'm no Eminem fan by any stretch, but he did some good work with this one.

Ocean's Eleven and a crazy ass dream...

I was thinking about going to see Ocean's 12, but I've never seen Ocean's 11, so last week I bought it on DVD. I'm starting to think that maybe I don't want to waste money to see Ocean's 12 because I can't even manage to sit through the first one. I've started it twice now and lost interest half-way through. Last Friday I stopped it after an hour and tonight I fell asleep on it.

While I was asleep I had a crazy ass dream and it's got me all worked up. I dreamt I was on a date with this guy, except that it wasn't really a date because I didn't want to be there, but I felt like I had some things I needed to say to him. Then halfway through he gets a phone call and suddenly there's this girl there arguing with me and trying to fight over him. Now my personal philosophy is that no guy is worth fighting over. If he wants to be with you, he will be...you shouldn't have to fight some bitch. So here I am arguing in this dream (and do a good job if can say so myself) when it starts pouring down rain. During this exchange, she's attacked me for being young, accused me of being a whore, and told me I should be ashamed, so I finally say something smart and then tell him to take me home. Oddly enough, the roads are all washed out and he's like "Well, we'll have to wait and take a boat." And then he starts explaining the differences in small boats to me. I woke up during Ocean 11's film credits.

I'm disturbed by this dream, mainly because of the people in it (who I actually know, well, their faces were familiar, but I didn't really ever know them) and because it's probably the manifestation of thoughts that I've been having about myself. Well, except the boat thing...dunno where that came from...unless Ocean's 11 ends on a boat, which could explain that, LOL. I don't think I have anything to be ashamed of--even though I feel like it sometimes. I'm not a bad person, I just made a bad choice (a few, actually). I didn't mean to hurt anyone, whatever happened; and in the end I only hurt myself anyway. I'm still pissed that I was fighting over this guy...he's not worth it; no guy is, at least no guy I've met. Dammit.

Blue Monday

Well, not really "blue," just lazy I suppose. I have no plans and no inclination to make any. I'm determined to clean my room at some point in the day and should probably start soon as that is an all day project, but I know that I probably won't (I'm having too much fun prancing around in my underwear, LOL). I think I'm going to go to the movies at some point today. Maybe I will call Richanda and see if she wants to go, too. After getting lost so many times in the last few days I actually stumbled (well, drove) through Ferguson, which is where she lives. Anyway...I should get going. How am I going to be a lazy good-for-nothing if I'm sitting on the PC?

More about my family and a little about myself...

So I finally made it into the company of sib set number 2 (my father's children) and I actually had a good time. The death was on their mother's side of the family and I've met some of their uncles, aunts and cousins so I did know some people there. Oddly enough my father is still close to his ex-wife's family so I've been raised around some of those people, but they hadn't seen me in years. One of my brother's uncles thought I was his girlfriend; I thought it was funny because (besides being my brother) he isn't my type--too short, LOL.

I saw my sister and her kids and my oldest brother on that side and his kids...it was weird because he and I almost never talk. He's the favorite of both his mother and my father (it's a long story) and maybe I resent him a little for that? I don't know. I always just figured I didn't like him because he's him, LOL. Anyway, I got to talk to him and it was nice. I was glad to spend some time with him, which is good and bad. Good because I'm happy to get to know him and spend some time with him, and bad because I've spent years telling myself I don't care, but I guess I do. He even filled up my gas tank for me, LOL. Anyway, the night was a success.

While I was driving home (and not being lost, LOL) I got to thinking about my first semester. I know that I keep saying that I've changed, but it's really true. But now I'm thinking, how do I want to change for next semester? I want to have more confidence and more self-esteem and I want to look more like a college student. That's so superficial, I know. But I'm hoping that maybe if I look better I will feel better. Now, I know that I'm not a beauty queen, and I'm certainly never going to be a contestant on America's Next Top Model, so I really don't think I'll start spending more time in the mirror than I spend sleeping. But it wouldn't kill me to put some effort into my appearance, would it? I mean...somedays I'm lucky if I get dressed at all. I just take a shower and change pajamas, LOL.

So, I'm going to work on being a new and improved (physically, anyway) version of myself.

My family and the Lorax

My aunt, Robin, called me at 7:30 this morning to guilt me into coming over to my Aunt Sonya's house to visit. My daddy was there before the funeral (which was this afternoon), so I got myself up at 11 and made it there by 1 p.m. ( I got lost once). I didn't stay long, but it was nice to see my aunties and I managed to bilk my daddy out of $20 for gas, since my directionally-challenged brother made me burn mine up last night.

Aunt Robin gave me directions to get to the Mills (St. Louis Mills Mall), so I drove out there so I could get some black pants for work next week. I went to Papaya and got the pants and a shirt to wear on New Year's Eve. Then I went to Books-a-Million to look for a Lemony Snicket book for my niece for Christmas. I decided that I didn't like the price and would buy one once I got home when I ended up in the Dr. Seuss section. I wanted to buy some Dr. Seuss books for my other niece and my nephew who are just starting to read (she's in kindergarten and he will be next year), but I also didn't like the price on those.

While I was there, though, I saw my two favorite Dr. Seuss books--Fox in Socks and The Lorax. Both of those are much too difficult for a four and a five-year old to read, but I love them. Fox in Socks is a great tongue twister and it's fun to read, but the Lorax...well, I love this book for the message it sends. I know it's the partial tree-hugger in me (sorry Francesca, LOL), but I love how Seuss told the story of how business and expansion sometimes (many) cause us to lose our natural resources because we only see dollar signs. What's best about the book to me is that he uses lively pictures and words to tell the story and still gets that message across. I definitely want all of my nieces and nephews and my own children to have a copy of The Lorax someday. It's the least I can do for them, right?

A very long post about shit I don't like...

I don't like n*****. My brother, William, is one. I love him all right, but right now he's at the top of my Shit list. He gave me lousy directions so I drove around aimlessly for 2 and half hours. I missed hanging with my family and even though I didn't really want to, I also didn't want to ride around burning up my gas, either.

Ok, so maybe this is a short post about shit I don't like. It's a long post about people pissing me off, LOL.

Anyway, during my drive I did some thinking. I thought more about how I've changed, both for the better and how I've changed for the worse (or should that be worst?). I think that I'm more social and more friendly (when I need or want to be), which is good. I think I show more weakness, which is bad. Also, I think that a bad side effect of my friendliness is that people think they know me or that we're friends, when in reality we're just aquaintances.

Two songs are out right now that really sum up how I feel sometimes (like when Rob enters the near vicinity, or when Claire starts asking me ditzy questions, or when random people just stop me to talk about trivial events in other people's lives ["omg...my brother's softball team lost last night and...etc.]). Sometimes I just wanna say:

Get back! You don't know me like that...
Get back! You don't know me like that...

Or I wanna say:

When you see me in the hall, bitch...
YOU DON'T KNOW ME!
When you see me on the job, bitch...
YOU DON'T KNOW ME!
When you see me on the street, homie...
YOU DON'T KNOW ME!

I know that I'm being harsh, but honestly...just because I've seen you somewhere before and made idle chit chat doesn't make you my best friend. Stop asking me questions, stop telling me shit I don't give a fuck about and generally just go away.

I don't mean everyone, there are some people, both in my real life and online, that I love talking to, but if you aren't one of those people, you should recognize it and leave me the hell alone.

BTW, the tone of this blog got a lot angrier half way through, mainly because ROB called me at motherfucking 11:05 p.m. and asked me if I wanted to do anything. For the last time, NO. It's late. I don't want to hang out, or we'd be hanging out. And stop calling me...I did NOT give you my phone number and although you can get it off the school's website (yay Maryville!), that does NOT give you the right to call me. Jesus, I want to strangle that child. Lord, help me.

I'm alone, but not lonely (yet)

...actually, I'm not even alone--Rob won't go away. He showed up at my room today and wouldn't leave. He bothers me...I've spent an entire semester not wanting to be mean, but honestly...why doesn't he get it when I'm polite? I'm not mincing words, I haven't beat around the bush, I just haven't been "mean." I distinctly remember telling him at the beginning of September that it made me uncomfortable for him to be in my room and I didn't want him there. In those exact words....yet he still asks me all the time. Tonight he didn't ask...he just showed up. This cannot happen. Especially since I'm going to be here a lot over the break and he seems to have no desire to go home. This break is supposed to be my recharge time and I'm going to recharge. He's been hinting that he wants to spend a lot of time with me over the break and I told him that I want to be alone. I'm ok with being alone and after 3 months of 24 hour togetherness, I'm looking forward to it. I think I'm going to tell him again...

I'm finally all alone (without friends). I miss Chanda and Alex already...and Chanda's only been gone for less than two hours. Alex left this morning, and I slept through her knocking on my door so I didn't get to say goodbye. I'm sad, but at least we'll all be eager to reconnect in January. Also, I've got everyone's numbers so we'll probably be in contact every few days or so.

Daddy called today--he's in town for a funeral. I really hope he doesn't ask me to go; I hate funerals. I am supposed to be meeting him and my siblings at one of their uncle's houses. I suppose I should leave soon, but I'm just not feeling it. Damn family, LOL. Not really. I think blogger needs smilies/emoticons so that I can wink after I make lameass jokes. Ok, I'm out.

It's Friday Night

...and once again I'm sitting at Maryville, not doing shit. But I did get to talk to and hang with Deadpool today...Phoenix, too. It was nice just to get out of the "house" and hang with some of my favorite people (of course Chanda and Alex went, too). Plus, there was this really cute waiter named Drew (and by cute I mean, I just wanted to flirt with him). I had fun.

I really need to find some where to be tonight. This is beyond ridiculous...

This is some (happy) bullshit...

Michaela is here! My sister had the baby around 5 a.m. this morning, and no one called me all day to let me know. I'm excited, but I'm pissed. Michael didn't call, my mother didn't call and I haven't had a chance to call anyone else. I didn't expect to be first on the list of people to call, but I'd have liked to be on it.

Anyway, I'm really happy for my sister--she's finally starting to live the life she wants and deserves. I really just hope the baby isn't ugly...isn't that a terrible thing to say? I can't help it though. I've only seen two babies that were cute at birth...and I've seen a lot of babies. Anyway...my mom will be flying out there for a few weeks tomorrow, so I won't see her until practically Christmas. I need to get moving...I have a play to write.

In the Cold Light of Day...

...I've realized a few things. First of all, it's not really cold. For it to be Dec. 9th and warm enough to only wear a light jacket is awesome.

Secondly, I realized that I have a tendency to overreact (duh, LOL) and that's exactly what I did last night. I shouldn't let Rob upset me so much...it's not like I'm dating him (or I ever have, for that matter). Also, being in an agitated state makes my mind blow things out of proportion, like unexpected e-mails.

Anyway, the point is, I've had some sleep, I'm a little more sane, and today is going to be a good day, even if it kills me.

It's always something, pt. II

Goddammit. So I'm reading aimlessly online and shit and Rob starts talking to me. He pissed me off and now I have to deal with him tomorrow. I think I'm going to tell him to go get fucked.

In other news, The Voice sent out a mass e-mail in response to Francesca's accusations against him. What I don't understand, is why it was sent to me? That whole situation has diddly to do with me and I haven't spoken to him in ages. I guess it just threw me for a loop, especially after having been agitated by Rob.

In fact, I was so agitated by these developments I woke Chanda up and made her come eat cereal with me. Thanks, Chanda! Ok, it's bedtime before I start dissecting tomorrow...

It's always something...

I stayed up all night last night finishing my scrapbook, so as far as sleep goes, I'm running on empty. So why did Rob pick today to try to confront me about whatever the hell is wrong with him? And yes, I say wrong with him because I'm convinced he has real problems. He's one of those emotionally needy people that always needs reassurance that you still like him...the problem is that I don't still like him. He makes me uncomfortable and his presence bothers me.

Like tonight at dinner, we were talking about people having kids at a young age and out of nowhere he asked me if I was on birth control. I told him is was none of his business and he asked me why not...or something along the lines of why I didn't think it was ok for him to ask me that. Before I could even say anything, Chanda said, "You're not fucking her, don't worry if she's on birth control." Now, that's a little more blunt than I would have been, but it's true. That is none of his business and frankly I find the fact that he would even ask, and then act upset that I didn't answer, offensive.

Before that we had been talking about going to IHOP tonight and I jokingly told Nikki that we couldn't because "Jonathan" wasn't going to be there. And then Rob pipes in and starts asking questions--who is Jonathan? When am I going to meet this Jonathan? You must really like him? etc.--and I said, I don't know Jonathan, he's a waiter. And he told me that he needs to meet him...why? I really don't know what his problem is, but what he calls "curiosity" I call a very rude way of demanding to know every detail of my personal life. And then he remarked that I don't have a problem telling Chanda, Alex and Nikki all this stuff...to which I replied, actually I don't tell them most of it, they're there when it happens. Not to mention they're my girlfriends and that's a bit different. Also, there are plenty of things that I don't tell them, too...but regardless of whether or not I told them, I didn't tell him and there's generally a reason for that.

So for any rude guy out there that thinks he's entitled to question girls, if the information is not volunteered don't ask. Or if you do ask and you're told it's personal or "not your business" than recognize that it's personal or "not your business." It's very likely that if the person in question wanted you to know, you'd know.

Insanity...

I don't know why I picked that title. I just feel a little insane now. I finished Justin's paper, so he can do with it what he will. It's scrapbook time pretty soon. Cody just walked by the computer lab...he is really sexy.

I'm feeling disoriented. Earlier I was reflecting on my life and I realized that I am so much stronger than I ever realized. I've pulled through my first semester on my own and I'm ok. All of the bullshit (both personal and school-related) is over. I refuse to continue to destroy myself over things I can't change. So what I didn't get an A in English. So what I'm a walking insecurity. So what I'm not "ok." These are things that it's much too late to change, so I may as well accept them and move forward. It's over. I made it through and I'm stronger for it.

I read the council blog today. Francesca is back in a tailspin because Jay doesn't want to be her friend any more. I think it is about time for me to leave the council alone. I've never met most of the people that post there, and well, it's depressing. I'm sorry my cousin's wonderful vision didn't come to fruition, but I really don't think I was ever part of that particular vision anyway.

I guess there is really no point in this post, I just felt like saying something. There's actually a lot that I would love to just pour out, but I'm afraid. What would people think?

"A Temporary End to Stress" or "The Last Hell Day"

After being stressed about this research paper for three or so weeks (more like a month and a half, LOL), I'm just chillin' right now. I finished it at 3 a.m. last night and went to bed and now I just have to take the test and turn it in. I still have other finals stuff to do, actually, lots of other finals stuff to do (a scrapbook, a portfolio, a play, and two tests) but I'm not worried about any of that, especially because I've got most of the stuff done for them. It feels good to not have any immediate worries.

In other news, it is Hell Day once again, but I think I can deal with it because it is my last one. Next semester I'm not going to overload myself so much on one day and I should (hopefully) have my weekends totally freed up, with the exception of basketball games. I can't wait for this week to be over, but it's all downhill from here. I hope everyone else in the world is this happy...

Changes

I told this guy in my communications class that I would write a paper for him (for a price, of course) and then completely forgot about it. The paper is an expanded definition of a word and not really that difficult so it shouldn't be too much of a hassle to write. I picked "love" from the list of terms his teacher gave him and decided to go back to my thoughts on love that I posted on this blog for inspiration. In doing that, I ended up reading some of my October posts.

It's weird that October seems like so long ago because it really wasn't long ago. I have changed so much since October then, it's crazy. I was reading my posts and thinking, I'm not still this person, yet I am still this person. I'm definitely not as happy-go-lucky because now I have some different worries to deal with, yet I am the same person still on the road to discovery.

Then I got to thinking about all the changes that have taken place this year. This year has been amazing for me. This time last year, I didn't even know where I wanted to go to college. And then magically, in less than two months, I knew and I had the majority of my education financed. I don't believe for one second that I made the wrong choice--Maryville is where I needed to be at this point in life. I've also become more responsible and more self-aware. It's hard for me to recognize all the changes that I've had this year, but I know that I'm a different and slightly better version of who I was. Hopefully I'll be saying the same thing next year.

Sunday, bloody Sunday

Hmm, that title is depressing...but my Sunday wasn't (even though it's now early, early Monday morning). I got up this morning and went to work, no biggie, but then Momma and Auntie Felisha showed up. I was glad to see them and I don't even know why...it's not like I haven't seen them recently, but I was just so happy to see them. Auntie Felisha is letting me have her truck for two weeks...so I get to drive myself home for Christmas. Please Lord don't let it snow...I drove around for hours tonight. I needed some time and some space to clear my head. I don't know what's going on with me, but I seem to be stuck on something and the harder I try to move past it, the more stuck I become. I'm pretty sure that I'm almost over it, though, and hopefully my Christmas break will be the complete and utter end of it. I want to start off 2005 with a clear mind and a clear conscience. 2004 was so great...how can next year top it? I don't know, but I really think it is going to. All right, it's 3 a.m.; bedtime I believe. G'night...

Wow.

I just read Francesca's blog and it brought tears to my eyes. I wish I actually knew her so that maybe I could just call her up and try to make her feel better. I've been where she is now and I know how much it sucks and how much it hurts. That's probably why I'm practically addicted to her blog. It's so weird because it's almost like watching a more vocal (and therefore vulnerable) version of myself. Today she wrote:

I think that if some came around maybe they could help me, but they deserve to live life happily not with me being a chore. As long as I live I will never forget that comment. That hurt more than the time when he called me his ex-wife's name. I guess it needed to be said though because it made me realize that I am some chore to people. I dont want to be that. I give up trying to please people, I was just being myself to him and wanted to give him something that wasnt provided. No one understands I guess.

I want to tell her...someone does understand. I understand. I know what it's like to feel like being yourself isn't good enough, or that being yourself is bad. But it's not bad--it's wonderful--and someone out there is going to love and accept you for that self. I really, really hope that she can get herself out of this Hell soon. I'm praying for her.

I can't believe it...

I was early to work today--clocked in at 6:59 a.m. I managed to get through the plays without screwing up my lines too badly and now the worst is over. I got out of class at 4:15 and had a nice time at the tree lighting ceremony (dinner was awesome, too). Then we hung out in Chanda's room for a minute and ended up playing Trivial Pursuit. Surprise of all surprises...Jen stayed this weekend and has been actually hanging out with us. Rob too...he's in one of those moods where he's just saying outlandish shit--I think he's going to drive me fucking crazy. I called Brandon tonight. I just asked him what they (he and Domiano) were doing tonight and was like...if y'all don't do shit...roll through Maryville. Since it's almost 11:30 though, I'm assuming that they are not coming up...but I still am proud of myself for calling and not almost dying while doing it. I'm one step closer to being cool, calm, collected and well put together.

In other news...I'm tired as hell. I was thinking today that I'm so glad we only have a week left and then I can get away from this place for awhile. And I don't just mean Maryville. St. Louis (at least, this area) has a way of making me remember things that are better forgotten. Hehehe...like the time I got drunk and almost threw up at Steak 'N Shake and etc. Oh well, I think it's time for me to shower and go to bed...we're headed to the mall tomorrow.

Celebration

It's Thursday...Nap Day. And already this day has been better than most. I got up for math class on time, got an A on my quiz and found out that I only need a C or better on my final to keep my A in the class. I took a picture with my instructor for my Seminar scrapbook (hey...if he can help me get an A in math, he's got to be my favorite teacher, LOL) and I don't even need to go to class next Tuesday.

I'm in the computer lab and I'm actually being productive (well, I was until I needed to blog about my great morning, LOL). Then I went to English to see if I needed to rewrite my paper and since I got an A- decided I don't need to and left three minutes later. Yes, that's right. I got an A- on something I wrote in that God forsaken English class. My teacher is the coolest lady ever, but I hate that class. I never get good grades no matter how hard I work or how good I think my papers are, so to finally get a damn A is pretty nice. The ironic thing is that it was an in-class essay, so it came off the top of my head. Also, it was a semi-comedic piece on mall rats. I say semi-comedic because I'm not very funny, but I tried hard. Anyway...this day started off well, I hope it ends well. Maybe I'll get to tumble at practice tonight...

Do secrets exist?

I was just talking to Rob on MSN and I told him I was reading blogs when he said that he has one. I told him I addicted to it and he asked to see mine...I declined because I get the feeling that if he read it once, he'd read it a lot and I'm just not ready for him to know that much about me. I certainly can't censor myself even more than I already do (because Chanda and Deadpool sometimes wander over) because this is my therapy. He made a remark about how he could understand me wanting to get things out in writing or with someone I really trusted. I told him that trust was overrated and that some things are just better kept to yourself.

But then I got to thinking...is there anything about me that someone else doesn't know? I don't think there is one single thing. Even if I've only shared something with one person (and even if s/he is trustworthy enough to keep it to her/himself), s/he still knows. I'm struggling to come up with one thing, just one, that I know about myself that isn't known to anyone else. My worst fear, my darkest secret, my secret shame, my biggest insecurity--all of it is known by someone. I can't think of anything...why is this? Am I the only person out there with this problem?

I don't know...it was just an odd thing that occurred to me. I will keep thinking, but I doubt I'll come up with something. It's disturbing.

It's Wednesday

Ahh...Wednesday, perhaps my favorite day of the week. It signals the week being halfway done and has none of the stress of Tuesday, Thursday or Friday. Today was a busy day, though, and I got a lot done. We won the basketball game, I looked hott in my skirt (yeah, right LOL), and I had a decent evening. I still have tons of work to do, but I'm not at the highest stress level just yet.

In other news, Rob has a girlfriend. Well, he's been dating a girl for two weeks, so I'm guessing it's not long until they're official. I'm really happy for him. It's about time he found a girl that appreciates his personality and all the quirks that come with that. At the same time, though, it's just a little depressing. Why is it that all of my shy friends end up in relationships, while I don't? I'm 18 years old and I've never had a relationship. I've never dated anyone, either. I understand that relationships aren't the be all/end all of life, but aren't they an important part that I should probably have experienced by now?

I don't want anything long term...I'm not looking for marriage. I'd just like someone to talk to about stuff (besides my mf-ing girlfriends [I love y'all but you're not the same as a strapping young guy]). I don't even know why I want it...probably because I feel like I should at least experience it. I'm sure that everything will happen in due time, I'm just starting to get a little impatient. But while I'm waiting, I'm praying for all my friends and all their relationships and I'm glad that they've found that connection.

Edit to say that this post was late Wednesday night, that's why it says Thursday...LOL.

Dante's Skewed Version of "Karma"

I was reading at the Council Chambers blog today, and what did I see? A post by Dante Claracuzio about Karma. Some bullshit about Newton being right "for every action there's an equal and opposite reaction." How ironic is that, coming from him? Admittedly, I don't know that bastard. Truthfully, I don't want to know him because I'm sure he'd fall into the 95%. It just irks me that he cheated on his girlfriend, drove her into depression (I say drove because pretty much told her that he was miserable throughout their entire relationship...how would that make anyone feel?), and now seems almost happy, or at least uncaring, about the fact that she's about to go headfirst into the deep end.

Now, I'll admit that all of what Francesca is going through is not his fault. No one can be held responsible for someone else's actions, but he certainly isn't blameless--his actions started the whole chain of events. So while he's talking about "equal and opposite reactions" he should be on his knees praying for salvation because I would hate to see what's going to come back and bite him in the ass.

Now that I've gotten that off my chest...I'm worried about Francesca. The more I read her blog the sadder it makes me because I remember what it was like to feel that all consuming sadness. Eventually things stop mattering and all that matters is whatever pain you feel and whatever you do to get away from it...and that's so dangerous. I really, truly hope that someone or something can help her through this. I'm praying for you, Francesca!