Not much to say...

I've been running around all crazy for the last few days...my room is looking good and I still need to do some laundry. TeAhnna will be here tomorrow, and my internet is broken, so I probably won't be online much for the next few days. In other news, I'm going to Colorado this month. Should be fun...I think February is going to be great.

Can I get a Hell Yeah?

The Saints Ladies just kicked the shit out of Webster, our rival who we were tied with for 1st place in our conference. I don't normally get into women's basketball, but it was a great game from start to finish. We had a 20 point lead when the Gorlocks got a hair up their asses and started acting like they wanted to play basketball. With 10 seconds on the clock, the score was 68-67, us. After some fouls and time outs, we just let the time run down and won. So technically we didn't destroy them...but we still won and that's what matters.

Is it sad that I'm blogging from the basketball game? LOL...I'll update after the guys play. I hope we win. Go Saints!

Sometimes I wonder...

...if I'll ever be good enough. Yeah. I really do wonder.

I think my biggest self-esteem problem is feeling inadequate. I've always wanted to be described as "exceptional" or "intelligent" or "articulate." But I'm not any of those things. I'm average in many ways and well below average in even more ways. It's depressing. I'm not a good cheerleader, regardless of the five (seven if you count middle school) years I've put into it. I'm not a great student. I mean, I do okay, but in the big picture, I'm not even there. I'm not a good daughter, either. All I do is fight with my mom and I don't even speak to my dad. I must be an all around terror.

I'm in a very self-destructive mood right now...I had a bad practice and a bad night and I'd really just love to be curled up in a ball and be unconscious. To make it all worse, I'm having mental troubles. On my way back from practice I was feeling overly emotional and all I wanted to do was get back to my room and get on the phone. The only problem is that it's late and there's no one for me to call. Well, not that would want to actually talk to me. I don't talk on the phone that much anyway, so why do I want to? I don't think I really do want to. I just think I'm feeling sorry for myself, which is not conducive to productive conversation anyway.

I'm unhappy, and there are several reasons why but right now I need to try to calm myself down. Maybe I'll post about my unhappiness later, or maybe I won't. Who the hell knows.

I'm tired and I don't feel well

I've been tired all day and I feel crappy, too. I actually had a lot I wanted to say, but I just don't feel like typing it out and thinking any complex thoughts. I'll post later I suppose.

Another Bullshit Day

It's too bad, too, because I started off having a good day. Made it to breakfast, went to work and didn't have to do shit for the first 2 hours of my three hour shift. I had one of my favorite classes today, Sociology. I wasn't going to be too, too pressed for time. Then I got off work at 4:30 (supposed to be 6 p.m.) so that I could meet the cheerleaders at 4:45 so we could go to our away game. Except that we're not going. And no one called to tell me. I just happened to run into one of the girls on my way down and she's like, "Didn't you get the message?" No, I didn't get the message. I never get the message. No one ever gives enough of a damn to call me, and I'm sick of it.

I decided not to go back to work, but I'm glad not to go to the game, I didn't want to go anyway. I'll use this extra time to do homework and clean my room (and get ready for Physical Plant to come rearrange the beds). And I'm still going to dinner at six, LOL.

In other news, TeAhnna called me today. She's coming up next Monday and Tuesday night to stay with me and we're going to go to Joe's Crab Shack and go out somewhere (yeah, like out, out). I need to find a place to go and a DD, LOL. If anyone can help me find either one, holler. LOL...

Playing Catch-up

It's been days since I've posted anything, so I thought I'd write a catch-up post.

I didn't do a damn thing all weekend, which is both good and bad. Good because not doing anything is fun. Bad because I had some stuff that it would have been wonderful to get finished and over with.

Saturday we judged a high school cheer competition at Forest Park Community College. The cool thing was, most of the kids were vision impaired, if not blind. And they rocked! I'm not being sarcastic in the least. They put so much heart into it, you'd have to be made of stone to not get into it. And they were pretty good, too, considering their physical limitations. It was a learning experience and something that I'd be glad to do again. Plus, I got a really awesome (if oversized) T-shirt.

When I got back from the competition, Jen and her husband Mike were here packing up her stuff. Yep...I have my own room now. Well, technically, they could put someone in here at any time unless I pay an extra $500, which I'm not planning to do. But it's likely that I will continue to have the room to myself, so everyone pray for me. Now I just need to find the time to re-decorate. Half the room is empty right now, and I'm going to rearrange the furniture and stuff.

I also had a nice long "talk" with my mom on Saturday. What that amounts to is that somehow I managed to take us from really good "what's going on in your life conversation" to a knock-down drag out fight. I even cried like a little punk-ass bitch. I figure it was good though, because obviously we needed to clear the air about some things that happened last year. And now I need to call my sister and talk to her.

In other news, my Aunt Sonja (Dad's sister) has lung cancer. Apparently she was just diagnosed and it's really severe. Oddly enough, she's never smoked. She had breast cancer about 2 years ago and has been being treated. I really hope she's ok. Or that at least she won't suffer long. I'll pray for her. I need to call, but I feel like it's too late to call right now.

I think that's about all I've got for now...well, all that's fit to print, LOL.

I am a woman

Yesterday, I saw a speaker--Jim Lucas, "Keeper of the Dream." Mr. Lucas came as part of Maryville's MLK Day celebration, and it was through sheer luck that I was even able to see it. He did his rendition of several of Dr. King's speeches, and although he was not as powerful as Dr. King, the renditions were very nicely done.

One excerpt in particular really touched me. He was reciting the speech that Dr. King gave the day before his assassination in Memphis. It was originally given to black sanitation workers who were asking for better working conditions and pay raises and so on. During Mr. Lucas' intro to the speech however, he told us what was written on the signs of the strikers. It was very simple; it was very profound. They wrote only the words, "I am a man."

Sounds almost too simplistic, doesn't it? Yet at the time, they were not treated as men. They were treated no better than animals. Although I wouldn't go that far, it is a remarkably powerful feeling to simply say, "I am a woman." To me that statement simply means that I am a woman--I am intelligent, capable and kind. I can do so much, not only for myself, but for others like me and for those in need. So why don't I?

I don't have an answer to that question. I don't have a reason not to, so I'm going to. I will find a way, and when I do, I'll be able to truly say that I'm a woman--and mean it.

No More Hell Day

Last semester Tuesdays and Fridays were hell days...this semester, I don't have a hell day. Monday through Thursdays are jammed packed with stuff, but none of it is so monotonous that I will absolutely die. I was on the move nonstop from 9:00 this morning (first class at 9:25) until almost 10 p.m., but it was a good day. I am a little worried about homework, because I was really tired when I got done and I need to be in bed by midnight. At least I'll sleep well, though.

I didn't get to post last night, but I had a good cheerleading practice. I think I'll be tumbling soon. Yes, tumbling. Like...really doing it. In front of people. I think if I become a tumbler, I'll lose some of my cheerleading insecurities. In my opinion, cheerleaders should be able to cheer, stunt, jump and tumble. As it was I could only cheer, jump a little and that was it. I think if I get three out of the four I'll be more confident.

I started a new blog. It's about names. Weird, I know...but I love names. Also, I think one of my teachers is a closet onomast, too, because twice while she was taking roll, she said "Wow! Great name!" Speaking of teachers...

My second day was great. I'm going to have a good semester I think. Altogether in my first 4 classes I think I'm going to have to write 5 papers, take 11 tests (2 of which are take home), 5 article summaries, 1 group project and workbook exercises. This is over the entire semester. Not too bad, I don't think. I'm trying to stop procrastinating, and if I don't procrastinate it should be a breeze. Good luck to me, LOL!

Also, my Greek Tragedy and Myth teacher seems to really, really love the material she's teaching and that always makes a class more fun to me. I'm really tempted to contact one of my favorite teachers from high school and tell her about it...she's exactly the same way. I really hope that everything goes my way this semester. I've got some stuff in the works. I'm praying over it, so if it's meant to happen...it will. All right, I need to get some work done before bedtime. I'm out.

Why I think I'll like my sociology class...

I think I'll love it. Why? I figure, anytime you go into a class and the teacher is five minutes late and not apologetic about it and then proceeds to swear and make references to "Uncut" on BET...he's got to be pretty cool.

Also, I think sociology is a good discipline to have a background in--especially since I want to work in public relations. In fact, if I really like this class, I might minor in Sociology instead of Political Science. I've got plenty of time to decide later though.

First Day of School

Well, today is the first day of my second semester. It's like 1 a.m., and my first class isn't until 1:40 p.m. That's probably why I'm still awake, lol. Come to think of it...that's the only class I have tomorrow. Hopefully we just get our syllabus and get dismissed. Probably not though--it's an honors class. Exploring Social Issues...it better be as fun as it sounds. All my classes better be as fun as they sound. I picked them so that I'd have a good semester.

Rob isn't talking to me. I should be glad, and part of me is. I just don't like thinking that I've hurt his feelings. I'll have to get over it I guess because dwelling on it is ridiculous.

Now that I'm over the shock of Jen's accident, I'm back to being my usual hell-bound self. I find myself hoping that she decides not to attend Maryville this semester and just go to PA with her hubby straight away. I'm thinking that the chances of them finding me a replacement roommate are really slim, in which case I'd have my own room. I even planned how I'd arrange it. Yeah, I know. That's really evil.

Met a new girl today. Her name is Gwen and she was looking to connect with some other blacks on campus. I'm not too sure I like her though, but I don't know her obviously. She seems like one of those people that change their personalities to fit the group they're in. I hate people like that. Be yourself and continue to be yourself, no matter where you are or who you're with.

I didn't call Brandon today. I need to but I'm being a coward. I've kind of been rehearsing what I'm going to say to him...now I just need to get over my nerves and just do it. I think I'll call him tomorrow. I know he'll be up; he's starting classes tomorrow, too.

Also, these mofos need to stop playing around with my work schedule. Classes start tomorrow, and they haven't set the schedule. I just realized that I have practice tomorrow. I don't want to go. I don't want to cheer. But I feel like I have to. And I know I would miss it if I didn't. But it's starting to drain my energy. I need to quit whining, dammit.

Well, I lost my train of thought, so...I'm out. G'night.

A few updates

Well, I finally got the picture disk working. I had to go back and get another one because the other one was broken. I added a picture to my profile. Not sure how long I'm going to leave it up, but...it's there for now.

Jen, my roommate, called. She and her husband were in a car wreck last Friday and she has a fractured hip. She's supposed to be on bed rest for 3 weeks and isn't planning on coming back to school right away. She said that she may not even attend Maryville this semester since she'll have to miss almost the first month of classes. I don't know when she'll be back, or if she's going to leave (in which case I'll have the room to myself), but I hope she gets better soon. I feel a little guilty because I kept wishing I'd get the room to myself, but I didn't want her to get hurt for me to get it that way. I was just thinking that maybe she would decide to go ahead and go to Pennsylvania with Mike. I'll be praying for her.

Well, that's about all for now, I suppose.

Snitching and Posing

My mom came up today and lodged a complaint with Public Safety. It was about Rob. I kind of feel guilty because I don't want to get him in trouble, but she thinks that he might become "dangerous" in the future and of course you're better "safe than sorry." I feel bad still. I e-mailed him to let him know that she filed a complaint and they'd be coming to talk to him.

After that we went and got our pictures taken. We had some really cute poses, but now I can't get the damn disk to work so that I can upload them to the 'net. I want to use one of the ones of me by myself on my blackplanet page, LOL. I keep saying I'm going to fix my page up, but I don't have a scanner or any recent pictures (well, I do now) that don't make me look like a hideous beast. I look relatively decent in the pics from today though, so after I take the damn disk back and get them to work, maybe I might post one or two on my blog, but I dunno.

Not much goin' on...

Well, I didn't post yesterday (I consider 12 midnight on Friday to be Thursday night), so I thought I'd better do it today. Chanda and Alex are both back, so that's been nice. We went out to the Mills tonight and then had a 3 hour dinner at Ryan's. Jazper, with a 'z', the waiter was really nice...even if he was a pretty high on the age spectrum. I ate too much cantaloupe, so now my stomach hurts and I want to sleep.

I still need to return some movies to Hollywood video, and my mom is supposed to come up tomorrow. I don't know if she's going to come though, since it snowed tonight. I don't have much to say, so I'm just going to end.

He's so fucking smooth...

Brandon and Domiano were going to come up here tonight. First of all, I don't know if I can handle another several hours in Brandon's presence just yet. He's a really cool guy...but when he's around I feel like an alien in my own body. He's not quite in my comfort zone just yet. After I got the news about Jeremy, the last thing I wanted was to be feeling like I'm on pins and needles all night, so I had Alex call D. and tell them not to come. I know I should have called Brandon, but I took the coward's way out.

So anyway, he called me right before midnight and was talking to me. And I was telling him that I'm kind of depressed and he's like, "I totally understand, I'm just sad cuz I wanted to see you." Not those exact words, but something really, really close to it. I felt terrible. Especially when I found out that D. had gone to the trouble of renting movies and some other stuff in preparation for us all to hang out.

I told Brandon to call me tomorrow...odd that I would say that when for two days straight I was trying to dodge his phone calls, not catch them. Oh well...tomorrow is another day, maybe I'll be feeling braver.

I'm in shock

One of my friends from high school just called to tell me that a boy we went to school with (he was two years ahead of us) died this weekend in a drunk driving accident. The driver hit him and his dad and killed them both. I feel so bad for his sister. Personally, I'm in shock.

I just keep thinking about how unfair it is that two people had to die because of one person's stupidity and selfishness. I'm also just thinking about how unfair it is that I've known so many young people that have died. Young people aren't supposed to die. And certainly not like that.

I'm so sorry to hear about Jeremy's death. He was an incredible person--smart, funny, talented, artistic, religious, spiritual--when he walked into a room his presence lit up everything and everyone. I don't know one person that didn't love him. We were both in Children's Theatre together with his sister, and I remember how he stole every scene he was in. The kids just loved him. Everyone did.

I guess I'll just keep him in my thoughts and my prayers.

Edited to ponder: Why in the first moments of my shock did I reach for the phone and call someone that not only can't help, but wouldn't want to? I swear I get dumber and dumber as time goes by.

A short post about my boring life

Well, I had my first game of the New Year last night; two actually. We won both, and somehow managed to (in my opinion) show up the other cheerleaders. This amazes me because we aren't very good. There were more of them, so they were louder (but we gave it our best effort)...but as far as stunts go...all of ours hit and were more difficult than theirs. In college cheerleading, it's all about the stunts. Oddly enough, one of our girls has a sister on the opposing team's squad, so it wasn't too competitive.

In other news, like a little punk-ass-bitch I waited until after the game to call Brandon last night. I didn't talk very long because I was soaking wet (it rained) and wanted to shower. He called me this morning, too. And he's sposed to call me back later. This is weird for me...I've never really been the type of person to talk on the phone for hours on end and I feel weird about doing it now. I also feel odd because I'd much rather talk to him on the phone than see him in person. Tomorrow night I won't be able to avoid it--he and D. are coming up to Maryville. I hope it all goes well. I hope I don't fuck it up. That should be my NY Resolution...don't fuck anything up. Oh...and cuss less....I'm not doing too well with that.

Last night it was like 11 or 12 and I found myself wanting to talk to someone and get some advice...but I didn't have anyone to call. Chanda was probably asleep, and I already knew what she would say anyway. I wasn't calling Alex way in KC. I wanted to call my momma, but I know she was asleep. The only two other people I could think to call had to get up and work in the morning and calling either of them probably wasn't a smart idea anyway. So I just sat in my room, watching the Surreal Life. That was probably the best thing I could have done...I just wish...I don't even know what I wish.

Anyway...I kind of feel like I'm walking through this whole situation blindly. I don't like it. I wish I knew what I was doing, but I guess I'll never know until I do.

Oh and one more thing, Rob came to the game yesterday. And at the first opportunity, he came to talk to me. What's the first thing he said? "How long have you been back?" I said, a couple days. He looked at me weird. Then he asked me if I wanted to do anything and I said that I had plans. Then he really looked at me weird. One thing I will say for him, I know he wanted to ask what they were...but he didn't. I guess I should just be glad of that. I had already decided not to be very nice about it if he asked. I think I'll make one more attempt at being nice. And then be really bitchy.

This post was a lot longer than I meant it to be...

I don't know what to do

I hate being indecisive. And now I'm in an area where I don't have expertise--boy/girl relations and relationships.

Awhile ago I blogged about the guy that Alex is "talking" to and how he came up to visit with his friend Brandon. Well, since then I've talked to Brandon a few times. I like him well enough, but I was so sure that he didn't like me. Until this week.

I've talked to him a lot (and I do mean a lot) this week, and it's only Wednesday. Last night he called and asked if he could come up and see me, which I said was fine and he did. Since Chanda was here we all got together and watched movies in her room (I can't hook the dvd player up in my room). Then we went walking and talking and stuff. So now I know that he likes me because he told me so...so now what?

After we stayed up all night watching movies, I talked to him on the phone while he drove home so that he would stay awake. He pretty much told me that I'm setting the pace and the tone and that whether or not we have a relationship (and what kind of relationship) is up to me. What the hell does that mean? And how the hell do I figure out what I want to do? I like him, yeah...but I don't know if I want to have a relationship with him. For certain reasons, if I did date him, I'd have to tell him something which I'm sure he'd tell D. (the guy Alex is "talking" to). What if D. told Alex? It's something really personal that I don't want peeps to know, you know?

I don't know...I guess it's a case of instead of me following the leader, I'm supposed to be the leader. I don't know how much I like that. And I don't know what to do. I'm supposed to call him today, but I'm nervous. I guess I'll figure something out.

Edited to add: A very wise friend of mine gave me some priceless advice today. She said, "Think with your head, not your clitoris." Truer words were never spoken. I'm working on it. Really...I am. LOL...

Out of Chaos...

...comes some order. Before I left Maryville, I cleaned my room. Within 20 minutes of being back it looked wrecked again--this time because I dumped all my clean clothes on my bed to be folded and put away. This means I had to reorganize my drawers, which was on my To Do List anyway.

So finally today I got busy and now my clean clothes are put away and my drawers actually have purpose and I feel like I really accomplished something. Now I just need to get ready to start classes next week. Speaking of classes...my heart is hurting. Why? Because I just had to shell out over $400 for books. Why, oh why, do I have to take interesting classes that I think I'll like? If I was just taking boring shit like PSYCH 101, I'd have one, maybe two books per class. I have one class that has six...yes SIX books. It's ridiculous.

In other news, I don't know what I'm going to do about this cheerleading thing. It's become more of a chore than privilege and causes more grief than happiness. Also, my heart isn't in it any more. I'm not going in and giving 110%...I'm not even giving 100%. From the standpoint of having been on a team with people that don't give 100%, I don't feel like that's fair to my teammates. But I hate to quit anything, but how can I stick it out and still be an asset to my team?

Back in Action

I got back yesterday at like 2 p.m. Oddly enough I was at Maryville for maybe an hour and a half before I had to get the fuck out. Well, actually, I didn't have to. I wasn't going stir crazy yet; I hadn't (shit...who am I kidding? I still haven't done it yet) even finished unpacking and stuff. So I left. And I'm just getting back. Yes I know that it's been almost 22 hours. I also know that my mom called me repeatedly wondering why I wasn't in my room. But what I know most is that for once it was very, very nice to just disappear for awhile. Nobody to knowing where I am, and then being pissed because I'm there; no one being upset if I don't come back right away. It was just nice.

On a not so nice note, I haven't run into Rob, yet. But then...I haven't been on campus long enough to give him a good chance, LOL. I think I'm just going to tell him that I have a lot of stuff to do and I don't want to be bothered. Actually, I know that's what I'm going to tell him, and it probably won't come out that nice. I'll update on how that goes later.

Today I was supposed to stop eating junk food, but I went to McDonald's. There's always tomorrow, I guess. Anyway, I need to get a move on--I have errands to run and clothes to put away and a shower with my name on it. Oh and I have to call Chanda, too.

One more thing. I've been thinking about how insecure I can be at times...and how I'm not very good at hiding it. I don't like that. I mean, I'm not going to make all the worries I have about myself (and not just my looks) go away in one day, but shouldn't I at least be able to keep it under wraps? And also, why is it that once I seem to get rid of one set of insecurity, another sets in? This is the second time (and third set) that I've felt the need to overcome something since August. Actually, though...it's come full circle. I had insecurities from high school, got over them and developed them from something that happened to me while at Maryville. Now I'm over that and back to worrying about the same old shit I agonized over in high school. The shallow part is that a big part of what bothers me is how I look. I'm not going to go into the reasons behind that...I'm just going to say that I'm tired of being insecure and I'm ready to let it go and just do my thing and have fun.

I feel like...

I feel like I've been awake forever. I have been. It's a little after 7:30 a.m. right now, but I went to bed at like 10 last night because I was tired. It's crazy...I'm back on a regular schedule, but not really. I'm glad that I'm sleeping at night, but waking up so early (and not being able to go back to sleep) isn't much better than sleeping all damn day. I was awake at 4 a.m. and that was just when I looked at the clock. I'd been up for quite awhile before that.

In other news...I'm pissed. My Uncle Johnny's surprise birthday party is tonight. He's turning 50 and just happens to be visiting from Georgia, so my other aunts and uncles are throwing him a party. That's all well and good, but when I decided not to go back to STL on Tuesday like I planned, I used his party as an excuse for why I wanted to stay (how else was I going to guilt my daddy into taking me home Sunday?). Little did I know...my dad was planning to go to STL on Saturday (today) to pick up my sister and one of my distant cousins. My sister has 2 kids...one in a car seat. So riding back Sunday would have been cramped as hell. On top of that...my sister wants to bring her man/fiancee/fuck-I-don't-know. Ok...I have my own car now, so I'll be driving back...but guess who will be stuck taking my cousin, my sister, her kids and her man back to STL? I think my dad was originally going to make me do it, but with all those people I'm going to tell him no--I'm not squeezing all those peeps into my car on my FIRST trip up the highway. Especially not my sisters kids...they're heathens. So I'll volunteer to take my cousin home...but I'm making my dad buy the gas. Hehe.

Also, I'd really like to go on a road trip. One way or another I'm going. I just need to find someone to go with me. I'm thinking New Orleans. In May. Any takers? LOL...

New Car

Well...I bought a car today. I should be ecstatic, and part of me is. Now I just need to figure out how I'm going to buy my books for next semester. I'm praying that everything will work out. We'll see.

Oh yeah...

1990 Mercury Sable
White, 4 doors
Cruise/Air/Heat
Power Doors and Windows

It's a pretty good little car...and the only thing I need to do is make it to St. Louis and back (occasionally). I'm praying that I made the right choice in deciding to buy it. Hopefully this one will last until I'm ready and can afford to buy a later model.

Everyone else pray for me, too.

Stole this From Quill

But I don't think he will mind.

3 NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. Jaime
2. Bronze (LMAO)
3. Missy

3 SCREEN NAMES YOU'VE HAD:
1. Cheri
2. JuniorGirl04
3. JRWG

3 THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. My glasses...they're a good way of showing my personality.
2. My fingernails.
3. My butt, but only sometimes...LOL.

3 THINGS YOU HATE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. The way I perceive myself most of the time.
2. The way I feel I am perceived by others.
3. My hair.

3 THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. Death (my own, and my loved ones).
2. The Dark (seen too many scary movies lately)
3. Scary movies

3 EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. Internet
2. My awesome (ha!) cd collection.
3. Food in all its many and glorious forms.

3 OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS RIGHT NOW:
1. Tip Drill- Nelly (I can't believe I like such a degrading song!)
2. Since You Been Gone- Kelly Clarkson
3. Let Me Love U- Mario

3 THINGS TO TRY IN THE NEXT YEAR:
1. Getting drunk--WITHOUT making an ass of myself.
2. Venturing into the world alone.
3. Road trip.

2 TRUTHS AND A LIE (in random order...which one's the lie? Huh? Yeah...that's what I thought)
1. I'm painfully shy when it comes to members of the opposite sex.
2. I like syrup.
3. I'm going to try to be nice to Rob.

3 PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT A MAN THAT ATTRACT YOU:
1. His walk.
2. Sound of his voice.
3. His cologne.

3 THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. Eat.
2. Watch a movie.
3. (not appropriate in polite company) ...if only I could find a way to do all three, LOL.

3 PLACES TO GO ON VACATION:
1. Mexico.
2. Arizona.
3. Europe--England, France, Spain and Italy.

3 KIDS' NAMES:
1. Alexander John
2. Lachlan Gabriel
3. Natalie Catherine

3 THINGS TO DO BEFORE I DIE:
1. Have a top-notch political career.
2. Get married and procreate.
3. Drive a bad-ass truck.

Random Thoughts IV

Isn't amazing the things people remember? I was about get in the shower when I remembered a joke that my first crush once told me. It was a blonde joke and it includes the word "shit." I was 8 years old at the time and he was 9, so whether it was funny or not I laughed just because he said "shit." Ten years later I still laughed, not necessarily because he said "shit," but because we were in church when he told it to me. It makes me smile to think I'm not the only person who has trouble remembering not to cuss in church.

Reminiscing about that also made me remember the end-of-the-year awards assembly that same year (I was in second grade, he was in third). This is so silly, but I actually remember him getting a perfect attendence award and me thinking right then and there that I was going to marry him. LOL...the things an 8 year old mind can come up with. Of course, I also used to think that secretly he was a prince and that when we grew up and got married (at 18--YIKES!) I would get to be a princess. I hate to admit it, but I was once one of those bratty little kids that now get on my last fucking nerve.

I don't know why I posted this...it just seemed like something interesting that wasn't of a depressing nature for once.

Just Checked My Phone Messages

I just checked my Maryville voicemail. It figures that once I stopped checking it religiously, I'd get like 4 messages. Seems like I'm much more popular while I'm in Iowa than I ever am when I'm not, LOL.

Chanda, you're never going to guess who called. Actually, you probably will...so keep it to yourself. And no it wasn't Brandon. LOL...

It's 8:04 in the morning...why am I even awake?

This Post is about Sex

Don't read if you're easily offended.
























In the last few days I've been going absolutely insane and I couldn't figure out why. Last night I couldn't sleep and I just tossed and turned and started thinking about why I've been going so nuts. I think I finally got it.

First let me describe what I mean by "I've been going nuts." I have very, VERY limited experience with sex. But for some reason, I keep getting naughty visuals at the worst times. And then I can't concentrate or think about anything else. Like last night, I went to the movies (and saw Flight of the Phoenix, good movie for anyone that cares). Something in the movie made me remember...well, I won't go into what it made me remember, but the point is that then I found it hard to concentrate for the rest of the movie. Especially because I started remembering more stuff. It's annoying. It's also disconcerting.

Thinking about sex is bothering me because it stirs up some memories that need to be banished to the dark corners of my mind. I don't want to think about sex...and I especially don't want to remember my experiences with it (not because they're bad memories, but because I'd be smarter to forget them and to stop thinking about a self-esteem damaging repeat). I also thought of a way to stop thinking about those memories--making a new one. I figure if I had sex with someone else, I'd stop thinking about the first couple times I did it. But how would I look myself in the eye if I did that? I learned a lesson the first time around--casual sex is not for me. But I'm not in a relationship, which is probably a good thing in it's own way. So pretty much I'm stuck. The only way I'm going to stop thinking about it is to do it again and the only way I could do it again would require me to hate myself. Or be really drunk, LOL.

I guess I should just be happy that I figured out the problem, even if I can't fix it.

Stranded...Well, Not Really

I decided that I'm not ready to go back to school, even if I have to miss practice. Lucky for me there's a snowstorm brewing and I'll have a legitimate excuse. Unlucky for me that I don't have the cheerleading coaches phone number with me so that I can call her. I'm not too worried about it though. Truthfully, I don't even want to cheer any more. I just want to sit around and be lazy and study and join organizations and do something besides that.

I need to make some phone calls. I need to call Chanda and Alex and my friend Mandy. I just don't really feel like talking. I'm still sick and all I've been doing really is sleeping and having bad headaches. So Chanda, if you happen to read this...I didn't forget about y'all...I just don't feel good.

I think that's about it for right now.

Starting the New Year off on the right note...

...a bitchy one. I'm actually laughing as I type because for some insane reason I find this funny. So much for a positive attitude. I was reading other people's blogs today and someone posted something about things they had learned this year. This person says a lot of things that don't make a hell of a lot of sense to "normal" folks (well, me anyway), but I would think that people that know him would kind of know the way his mind works. He made a comment that referred to the fact that he screwed over his girlfriend by hooking up with one of his exes (well, that's my take on it, LOL). Then the ex (who is now the current gf) made a comment asking him to "explain it because she didn't get it." Ok, now I don't know this guy and I get it...why doesn't she get it?

I called her an ignorant bitch before I thought about it. I'm just proud that I didn't actually post that comment. Not too positive, huh?

Some Bullshit

The very thing I didn't want to be doing for New Year's Eve is exactly what I ended up doing. Staying at home. Why? Because I was too sick to do anything. Damn cold/cough/flu/whatever-the-fuck-this-is. And I forgot to call Chanda and Alex to wish them a happy new year.

Happy New Year, y'all.