This Post is about Sex

Don't read if you're easily offended.
























In the last few days I've been going absolutely insane and I couldn't figure out why. Last night I couldn't sleep and I just tossed and turned and started thinking about why I've been going so nuts. I think I finally got it.

First let me describe what I mean by "I've been going nuts." I have very, VERY limited experience with sex. But for some reason, I keep getting naughty visuals at the worst times. And then I can't concentrate or think about anything else. Like last night, I went to the movies (and saw Flight of the Phoenix, good movie for anyone that cares). Something in the movie made me remember...well, I won't go into what it made me remember, but the point is that then I found it hard to concentrate for the rest of the movie. Especially because I started remembering more stuff. It's annoying. It's also disconcerting.

Thinking about sex is bothering me because it stirs up some memories that need to be banished to the dark corners of my mind. I don't want to think about sex...and I especially don't want to remember my experiences with it (not because they're bad memories, but because I'd be smarter to forget them and to stop thinking about a self-esteem damaging repeat). I also thought of a way to stop thinking about those memories--making a new one. I figure if I had sex with someone else, I'd stop thinking about the first couple times I did it. But how would I look myself in the eye if I did that? I learned a lesson the first time around--casual sex is not for me. But I'm not in a relationship, which is probably a good thing in it's own way. So pretty much I'm stuck. The only way I'm going to stop thinking about it is to do it again and the only way I could do it again would require me to hate myself. Or be really drunk, LOL.

I guess I should just be happy that I figured out the problem, even if I can't fix it.