Sometimes I wonder...

...if I'll ever be good enough. Yeah. I really do wonder.

I think my biggest self-esteem problem is feeling inadequate. I've always wanted to be described as "exceptional" or "intelligent" or "articulate." But I'm not any of those things. I'm average in many ways and well below average in even more ways. It's depressing. I'm not a good cheerleader, regardless of the five (seven if you count middle school) years I've put into it. I'm not a great student. I mean, I do okay, but in the big picture, I'm not even there. I'm not a good daughter, either. All I do is fight with my mom and I don't even speak to my dad. I must be an all around terror.

I'm in a very self-destructive mood right now...I had a bad practice and a bad night and I'd really just love to be curled up in a ball and be unconscious. To make it all worse, I'm having mental troubles. On my way back from practice I was feeling overly emotional and all I wanted to do was get back to my room and get on the phone. The only problem is that it's late and there's no one for me to call. Well, not that would want to actually talk to me. I don't talk on the phone that much anyway, so why do I want to? I don't think I really do want to. I just think I'm feeling sorry for myself, which is not conducive to productive conversation anyway.

I'm unhappy, and there are several reasons why but right now I need to try to calm myself down. Maybe I'll post about my unhappiness later, or maybe I won't. Who the hell knows.