A glass of optimism served cold...

Amid all my depression, I had an optimistic thought today. Yesterday, I decided to stop thinking about getting married and having children. Even though I really don't mean to, I feel like Joshua feels pressured when I talk about those things. It's going to be hard for me, because I think about having my own family a lot...and have since I was about 16. Since I'm the kind of person that talks about my thoughts, I usually just talk about it without thinking.

Well, we had a big argument Sunday night and we both got some things off of our chest and I've decided to let it go. To forget. I said I wasn't going to mention it again. I'm not going to visit my namesite, and I'm basically going to let that hobby go. I'm not letting it go because he thinks I should, but rather because the being an etymologist makes the thought of children be ever present. I prayed over it, and today...while only being day one, has been a good day. I didn't visit Behindthename.com, and I feel okay about it.

So where's the big glass of optimism amidst all this personal change? Well, I thought about my sister's upcoming wedding and how I will handle all the nosy, critical family members if they should happen to ask when (or if) Joshua and I are getting married. I decided to say, "We don't have any plans to get married--now or in the future. I'm young, and I'm enjoying being young. I have too much to think about right now--my education, my career--I don't need to worry about getting married right now."

And there's the optimism. I have a budding career, not just a "job." I'm working in my chosen profession, in my job market...and I haven't even graduated. I really think that bodes well for my future. I'm doing pretty well with this financial independence thing, too. I'm doing pretty well for myself in more ways than one. I'm not a total screw-up. So yeah...I got pregnant. Luckily, or unluckily depending on my mood, I'm not having a baby right now. God doesn't think I'm ready to have a baby, and so I'm not. Once I get over this mild depression, and once I gain more emotional independence...well, it'll be smooth sailing, now won't it?

Whoosh!

Whoosh! That is the sound of time flying by. I have mid-terms next week, yet it seems as if we've only just started the semester. And for once I actually have midterms--two of them. I'm amazed. I'm a little stressed because for some reason I thought that midterms were the week after next, but it's ok...that's our spring break week. I shouldn't have a problem studying for two tests and it'll all be over by next Wednesday.

It's already the end of February. I really, really can't believe it. It seems like so little time has passed since I was anticipating becoming a parent, and now I'm back to living "footloose and fancy free." Well, except for the occasional crying spells and stuff. I'm mostly over it, I think. It's just sometimes that it's hard...I'll think of things and they just make me sad. But I did remember something this week that I used to say to myself when I was in high school: Life is only what you make it. It's funny that I forgot that so quickly and became miserable. I was making myself miserable. When I set out to do things and have fun...guess what. I do! So I'm trying to pull myself out of this depression by spending more time with the people that care about me...and spending time caring about myself.

I don't have anything else for right now, I guess. It's a nice day outside. I'd much rather go do something fun than be in class. Oh well...

Dr. Jesse Kavadlo: A Haiku

At my writing center meeting it came out, once again, that my instructor is not only a self-googling machine, but that he does google blog searches for himself as well. In honor of said facts, I wrote a crappy haiku. That's not to say that Dr. Kavadlo isn't cool enough for a wonderful haiku, but rather that I'm not capable of writing one. Let's see if he finds this one, in any case.

Jesse Kavadlo,
A self-googler, will find
My lousy haiku

And it was lousy, wasn't it? Oh well...I'm not in class. Not only do I not have to be grammatically correct, but I don't even have to use real words (I'm positive that self-googler is something we made up).

BTW, Dr. Kavadlo...if you should see this...feel free to comment, LOL.

Jaime Gully

The Bad News

Well, that was short-lived and over quickly. I miscarried last week. I could spend hours writing about my grief, anger, and frustration, my disappointment in God, and my jealousy of all the people in the world who don't deserve the beautiful children they've been given, but I don't want to rehash every depressing thought I've had in the last several days.

The only good thing that has come out of all this is how it's changed my relationship with Joshua. I think (well, know) that this was the first big hurdle he and I had to get over, and we did. We came up with a plan and we were actually looking forward to being parents (well, together...he's already a parent) and we got through all the mucky stuff that happened when I miscarried too. It's amazing how almost having a child with someone pulls you so much closer to them than you were before. It makes me wonder how our relationship would be if the baby had actually been born.

I think everyone around me is glad though. They keep telling me how "God has a plan for me that I just don't know." I know that. I know God has the plan. I also know that as angry as I have been the last few days, it won't last. I'll get over it and move on and things will be fine. But on top of saying that, they all keep saying that maybe this is God's way of letting me know that Josh isn't the one for me. I've heard that from lots of different people. It pisses me off. If Joshua and I aren't meant to be together, we won't be. God won't have to send me a sign, the relationship will just end. I also know that I'm young and I have my whole life in front of me, but for right now, Joshua and I are just perfect...and I'm sick of people telling me that we're not, or that we shouldn't be together, or that we're going to break up. If all that is true, it will be just as true without you constantly throwing it up in my face.

Well, this took a more angry turn than I wanted it to. I just really wanted to put the news out that I'm no longer having a baby. So yeah. I'm not.

I'm positive

Yep. The test came back positive. I'm having a baby! I'm really excited--thrilled, even. I estimate that I'm about 3.5 weeks along, so there's still some time to wait, but I'm so happy. I'm only just now mentioning it because Joshua and I had to go through a long process of deciding whether or not to have the baby or abort. Obviously, we decided to carry full term, and now things are back to normal.

We decided on a financial plan, and if everything goes well...all should be set by the time the baby arrives in October. My mom is happy because I think this will be her chance to have a grandchild that she doesn't have to worry about being yanked away by an angry baby's momma, or my sister who is going through her own things. My mom is also upset, though, because she doesn't think that Josh deserves me, or that he's a good guy...or yada yada yada. I'm always amazed because everyone thinks that. Yet when you ask people...what makes a good guy? They say, well he's got a job, and a car, and he respects you, and loves you, and takes care of his kids and is a good dad, and on and on. Josh does all of that for me and more. What more could I ask for?

Anyway, I'm also resigned to the fact that some of the people I thought were friends and that I trusted with this information aren't trustworthy. I knew it, but I didn't want to think so. It doesn't matter, though. I don't need friends that don't support me and care about me, and that take joy from thinking that I might be in pain. I'm really happy that I'm about to be a momma, and no one's going to take that from me by trying to talk down to me or talk about me, or anything like it.

The Good News

I got a new job! Starting tomorrow, I will be doing public relations work at the Family Chiropractic Center in Bridgeton, MO (which is 20 minutes from Maryville). I'm so excited. Usually you don't even get to intern in your field until junior or senior year, and I'm getting to work in mine! I can't believe it. Even better, my starting pay is $9.00 an hour and I'll be clocking about 18 hours a week. Hopefully, I get a raise soon.

Well, there's more good news a-coming. Tune in next time to see.