The Bad News

Well, that was short-lived and over quickly. I miscarried last week. I could spend hours writing about my grief, anger, and frustration, my disappointment in God, and my jealousy of all the people in the world who don't deserve the beautiful children they've been given, but I don't want to rehash every depressing thought I've had in the last several days.

The only good thing that has come out of all this is how it's changed my relationship with Joshua. I think (well, know) that this was the first big hurdle he and I had to get over, and we did. We came up with a plan and we were actually looking forward to being parents (well, together...he's already a parent) and we got through all the mucky stuff that happened when I miscarried too. It's amazing how almost having a child with someone pulls you so much closer to them than you were before. It makes me wonder how our relationship would be if the baby had actually been born.

I think everyone around me is glad though. They keep telling me how "God has a plan for me that I just don't know." I know that. I know God has the plan. I also know that as angry as I have been the last few days, it won't last. I'll get over it and move on and things will be fine. But on top of saying that, they all keep saying that maybe this is God's way of letting me know that Josh isn't the one for me. I've heard that from lots of different people. It pisses me off. If Joshua and I aren't meant to be together, we won't be. God won't have to send me a sign, the relationship will just end. I also know that I'm young and I have my whole life in front of me, but for right now, Joshua and I are just perfect...and I'm sick of people telling me that we're not, or that we shouldn't be together, or that we're going to break up. If all that is true, it will be just as true without you constantly throwing it up in my face.

Well, this took a more angry turn than I wanted it to. I just really wanted to put the news out that I'm no longer having a baby. So yeah. I'm not.