I'm back...

...and better than ever. Actually, that's not quite true. I'm just as mentally screwed up now as I ever was before, just for different reasons.

In the last few weeks life has actually been pretty good. I had a wonderful time in Colorado--the mountains are absolutely beautiful. I met a lot of new people and just generally concentrated on having fun, which is something I don't do often. I tend to add more stress to my life than is already present, and since there's plenty of real stress already...I end up completely stressed out.

It's also official--I'm going to be an RA (resident assistant) next year. I'm so blessed, so lucky, and so thankful. Because of this wonderful opportunity, I'll have my entire education paid for (if I continue to be an RA every year, which I can't think why I wouldn't be). The weekend after I found out was just awesome. I shopped on Friday, which is nice because I never get to shop. I got to hang out with my cousin Vince, who I don't see enough of. We did lose the SLIAC Tournament Championship on Saturday--to WEBSTER of all teams. That was a low moment, but at least cheerleading is over now. We went to a frat party on Saturday night (Alpha's are so hott) and I even met a nice young man named Jeffrey, but I'm almost positive nothing will come of it. It was just nice to think that someone out there would possibly be interested in me.

Sunday was the start of more bad feelings for me. I talked to Mandy and found out that she's been having some difficulties. Her mom moved to Louisiana to "take care of" the boy they kind-of-adopted into their family. That'd be fine except she left Mandy alone in Iowa. She's barely on speaking terms with her father, and to top it off the boy (his name is Matt) was mentally and physically abusive to her. I hate it...it's a sick situation. I plan to go visit her when I go home for Easter. Immediately after getting off the phone with Mandy, I called my mom. Dunno why really. I guess I was thinking that maybe if she had time she could check on Mandy for me. She wasn't home. This is when I really fucked up.

I was really, really upset after talking to Mandy, and since I couldn't talk to my mom, I called the one person that I should never, EVER, call. Within 10 minutes I had agreed to go hang out and to be perfectly honest that just depressed the hell out of me. I think I have some serious mental issues that I need to iron out before I continue on the path I'm currently on. Yeah...this is kinda cryptic, but I want it to be, LOL. When I got back to school this morning I was in a really down mood and my back hurt like a mofo. I ended up skipping one class and calling in to work. I should be doing homework now, but I don't feel like it. I'll get around to it eventually. LOL.

One more thing before I go...what is it about Jay Winkleman? I've never met the guy, and honestly (no offense if for some off the wall reason you should see this, Jay), I don't want to. But through reading Quill's blog, I happened to stumble onto his girlfriend's blog. It's like every woman this mf comes into contact with can only think, speak, and function in relation to him. I really do not get it. He just doesn't seem worth all of that. No guy does. Which is one reason why I'm so pissed at myself for my current line of thoughts. At any rate, I'll be damned if I ever act that way. And if by some chance I do, I hope someone shoots me.

My Epiphany and Why I'll Be Off the Radar for A Minute

Today I was in my Greek Tragedy class and my mind was wandering (not because it was boring, but because I'm having a difficult week). During this time, I had an epiphany.

In these last few months since starting college, I've been trying so hard to "find" myself that I've lost the self that I once was. It's sad. Although I wasn't perfect, I was me. This realization that I haven't been being "me" was brought home to me by something my mother said to me on the phone the other day. I was telling her that I didn't want to hurt someone's feelings by taking a specific action and she told me that for my whole life I've been a little on the selfish side, and that now when I need to be taking care of myself most, I'm suddenly putting everyone else ahead of me. She's sort of right. Obviously being selfish isn't the way to be, but neither is being so self-less that I've lost myself.

I realized today that I'm confused. On one hand, I know that I'm supposed to be growing and changing and I am, but I don't want to lose myself entirely. I know...I'm probably not making a great deal of sense just now. My point is...I need some time to re-evaluate where I'm headed and what kind of person I am and what kind of person I want to be.

As part of this "re-evaluation" I will not be blogging for the next two and a half weeks. I know, blogging seems like something trivial, but I just want to let this blog sit for awhile and see if when I come back to it anything has changed (I also will not be reading any blogs and will generally not be online except to check my Maryville E-mail [only because I need to be updated on extra-curricular stuff]). So, ta-ta until February 27th.

A Little Calmer and More Collected

Yesterday was a hectic day for me. On top of being busy (which is usual for a Monday) I was stressing out over some extra-curricular stuff. I don't understand why some things in life, mainly interpersonal relationships, have to be so complicated.

It all started with an action made by one of my friends. I won't go into detail, but this action really and truly confused me. I spent all day analyzing it--Why did they do it? What does it mean? And so on...

Looking at it in the cold light of today, though, I think I overreacted (which is typical of me). I've decided not to make a big deal about it...to just put it out of my mind and concentrate on what is really important right now--getting through this month. Only 3 more basketball games to go, and a trip to Colorado, and the Hip-Hop Summit, and 3 term papers to be written...and then maybe I'll have some free time.

At least I finally did my laundry.

It has been a crazy, crazy week...

...but I can't say it's been bad. I even had fun at cheerleading. We played Fontbonne today and we won both games. We kicked their cheerleaders' asses for the second time this season and all of our stunts hit, including the backbend lib, the split-catch, and Abby's lib (which I'm in). It was a long day, but the weather was absolutely beautiful. I'm loving this 60 degree weather--in freakin' February.

I went down to Soulard for Mardi Gras with a few of my cheer buddies...it was great. I think I came home with like 5 lbs. worth of beads, but I won't discuss what I did to get them, LOL. Actually, it wasn't that bad. People gave me most of them. My best strand is a gold one with a Barcardi charm on it--it lights up.

I went to see "Ray" last night...ABC showed it on campus. Good movie. Excellent acting, especially by the boy that played little Ray Charles. I cried several times.

What else did I do this week? Not much really. Just school and work and more school and more work. Thursday night I attempted to get ahead in the homework game...but it was a half-hearted attempt. I did get my homework done for my Friday class and I watched Hero. Then I fell asleep. Tomorrow (Sunday) is homework/laundry/clean-my-room day. Let's see how much of each I actually get accomplished, LOL.

My mom is supposed to be coming in next weekend. I also have the Hip-Hop Summit and the University Scholar's Day going on. Hopefully it will be fun. The internet is out in my room, so in order to blog I need to be in the lab. Until they get it fixed I probably won't be on a regular blog schedule. Anyway, I'm going to hit the shower and go to bed...

I'm tired

It's been a hectic few days. TeAhnna was here and we hung out. I was glad to have her here, but it's weird. Although she's a lot older than me, sometimes I feel like we're on the same level. I don't know. Anyway...I know that I'm turning into a neat freak because she just kind of threw her clothes around and stuff and it was bugging me. Oddly enough, she's the parent and I'm the messy college student, LOL.

I think this weekend I'm going to give myself some beauty treatments--I am in dire need. LOL...I need a manicure, an eyebrow wax, and I need to get my hair done. I look like a troll. It's sad.

Um, I was really pissy earlier today. I don't really know why...but sometime between this morning and this afternoon, I got really irate. I was ready to go off, but I'm all better now. And practice went well...and I told Sharron that I probably won't compete, too. So now I'm ready to finish out the season and have a great year.

Ok, bedtime.