The other night, I was reading some of my posts from this time last year. Last October, I was a virgin...well, a novice in many ways. I'd just become sexually active. I'd just started blogging. I was navigating through my confusion with my blog. I was awakening as a fully functioning adult. A year later, I'm vacuous, insipid, and boring.
I just realized, that I'm almost never introspective anymore. I don't reflect on my growing process, or even detail my growing process at all. I just write about "updates" on my life. As if those things matter to anyone other than me. Hell, they
don't matter to me. At least when I wrote about this process, this constant state of anomie [see how much I've learned in the last year?], I could look at my blog and feel like I'd not only accomplished something, but also like I'd taken a snapshot of myself at that moment in my life. Now, what snapshots do I take? I don't even have film in the camera.
At the moment I'm dealing with severe growing pains related to my position as an RA. I hate it. I'm miserable. I want to quit. But why? I've been telling myself, and maybe to a point it is true, that it's because being a resident assistant on top of being an honors student with a full courseload, working part-time (yet doing enough work to be full-time in the wake of my favorite supervisor's departure), and being a dancer, and a daughter, a girlfriend, a best friend, and a person is just too much.
In reality, I think I'm more torn between giving up the freedom to be Jaime the person and being a "leader." I also think that I'm insecure in my relationship with my boyfriend...which causes me to want to still be living with him on a day-to-day basis. I can't just go party with my friends anymore, because when they party on campus I can't be involved. I can't be with my significant other all the time when I want to--which is a lot. I'm so worried that if I don't get to be with him regularly, he'll realize that he doesn't need (or want) me...and then where will I be? I've spoken with him, and we've talked about how this is an irrational fear, but it IS a fear, nevertheless.
This week, because of circumstances, and also just out of my desire to really try to move beyond this, I haven't seen him since late Sunday night. It's now early Wednesday morning. This is the longest time period that I haven't been with him practically since February. I'm actually doing quite well. I go to class. I go to work. I go to practice, and meetings. Not that I don't do those things when I do see him, but I think it is important that I'm going about life normally, even though this is a big change in my schedule. I'm getting my RA business taken care of, and I'm actually under a lot less stress right now. My friend situation hasn't really changed. I still don't get to hang out as much. I still feel like I'm not really part of the clique, but this week has been better.
I also spoke with a few RAs that are, in some ways, feeling the same way I am...and now I feel like I have a support system. I almost want to make the choice to continue being an RA next semester...but this has only been one week. What if next week I'm right back to being a basketcase? I think if I had a few weeks to get used to this life-rhythm I'd feel better about whichever choice I make. I'm really upset that I have to make my choice so soon.
I guess this is as introspective as I'm going to get at 1:35 a.m. Hopefully, I can get back to having real "conversations" with...well, myself, through my blog. That other nonsense has got to stop.
