Jaime'

I'll pray for you....

BUT HEY THINK ABOUT THIS....We can stay up all night eating oreo's talking about your boyfriend...since you know the rest of us are riding solo....

ALSO, I think things will get better with you and your mom...You know how parents are...

I don't know why...

...I'm so happy. I went home to visit my sister, Amina, and meet her 7 mo. old baby, Michaela. I was glad. I love my sister, even in spite of being just a bit jealous of her beauty. Michaela is gorgeous, too, and it was really nice to be with them for a few days.

On the other hand, my mother and I have been fighting like crazy for weeks now. She's still not over the fact that my boyfriend is so much older than me. I feel really bad because I'm not used to fighting with her all the time like this (well, not since 16). Not only that, but I just don't understand. I know she doesn't like that he is older, but she won't just say that. She makes all these excuses about the amount of money that he makes (not enough, in her eyes), etc., etc. It frustrates me because every time the conversation turns to him, we fight. Because of this, I can't ask her advice...or share with her these first experiences that I'm having. It's really hard. I'm used to talking to her about everything.

With all that crap with my mom, and work, and knowing that I have to go be an RA soon (which I really, REALLY don't want to do any more), I should be miserable. But I'm not. In fact, I'm really happy. I can't explain it. I just am. It's great. It's scary. It's...confusing. Oh well. I shouldn't be questioning it...I should just be glad, especially since tomorrow I'll probably be depressed.

I feel kind of guilty...

...Wink hung out with us (me and Joshua) this weekend. I love my cousin, truly I do...but getting them boys together always makes me feel like they have some sort of boys only club that I can't join. It helped a little that my other cousin, Demarco, was there, too, but I still ended up feeling like wallpaper. Dull, ugly wallpaper at that.

So what did I do? I got depressed. What do I do when I get depressed? Flip out. Like a mofo. Wink left to take Demarco home and I got in the shower...when I got out...it was over. I asked him if he was still in love with Kristine (my close friends know the back story on this) and he said "I don't know. I probably won't really know til I see her, and I'm not in any hurry to do that." Maybe I'm overly sensitive...but I was totally heartbroken. He told me once that he fell more in love with her everytime he saw her...so if he's not sure he's over her...and he needs to see her to tell...what if he saw her and fell in love with her all over again?

I look at it like this. It took me a long time to admit and accept the way I felt about him. I don't need him to love me. I'm not going to lie and say I wouldn't feel fantastic if he did, but I don't want to hear empty words. I don't want him to tell me something he doesn't feel. But I also don't want to think that he's pining away for another woman when he's with me. If that makes me childish--so be it. If it makes me jealous--I guess I am. But the thought breaks my heart.

So yeah...I totally flipped out. I yelled. I cried. We talked. I feel better, but I'm still worried that he's carrying a torch for some chick. I guess I should try not to let it bother me, but it does. I'm working on getting over it though.

I'm too busy...

I have so much stuff going on right now...except really I don't. I have work and I'm getting ready to go back to school. That's it. Next weekend my sister is bringing her baby home for the first time (she's almost 7 months), so I'll be going home. I can't wait.

Joshua met my family a few weeks ago. I was a little nervous about it, but it turned out well. My mom thinks he's cute, so that's something. I don't think she's quite ready to "like" him. Daddy hates him. Steven, Roy, and William like him. Even Renzo was there and he was cool too. I'm glad that he met my family, sorta. I needed to connect those two parts of my life, I think. And it was nice to get some of Momma's food.

Other than that...life is just...well, it feels hectic even though it isn't.