I feel kind of guilty...

...Wink hung out with us (me and Joshua) this weekend. I love my cousin, truly I do...but getting them boys together always makes me feel like they have some sort of boys only club that I can't join. It helped a little that my other cousin, Demarco, was there, too, but I still ended up feeling like wallpaper. Dull, ugly wallpaper at that.

So what did I do? I got depressed. What do I do when I get depressed? Flip out. Like a mofo. Wink left to take Demarco home and I got in the shower...when I got out...it was over. I asked him if he was still in love with Kristine (my close friends know the back story on this) and he said "I don't know. I probably won't really know til I see her, and I'm not in any hurry to do that." Maybe I'm overly sensitive...but I was totally heartbroken. He told me once that he fell more in love with her everytime he saw her...so if he's not sure he's over her...and he needs to see her to tell...what if he saw her and fell in love with her all over again?

I look at it like this. It took me a long time to admit and accept the way I felt about him. I don't need him to love me. I'm not going to lie and say I wouldn't feel fantastic if he did, but I don't want to hear empty words. I don't want him to tell me something he doesn't feel. But I also don't want to think that he's pining away for another woman when he's with me. If that makes me childish--so be it. If it makes me jealous--I guess I am. But the thought breaks my heart.

So yeah...I totally flipped out. I yelled. I cried. We talked. I feel better, but I'm still worried that he's carrying a torch for some chick. I guess I should try not to let it bother me, but it does. I'm working on getting over it though.