Self-esteem

Today in my freshman seminar class we talked about gender roles and how women are viewed by society. Toward the end of class, the instructor showed a video called Killing Us Softly 3 which talks about the way women are portrayed in advertising and how it affects how they are viewed by men and how they view themselves. The woman, Jean Kilbourne, brought up some very good points about the passivity of women in ads, the sexual nature of ads not relating to sex, and how most are geared toward making women feel the need to be perfect, and how perfect isn't attainable...and so the vicious cycle begins and continues.

Now as I'm typing, I'm very upset, so you'll have to forgive me if this isn't clearly worded. But the entire time I was watching...I felt horrible. Because they're absolutely right. Years of seeing what perfection looks like, and how men react to it, etc., have contributed to the negative feelings I have about myself. I'm not perfect...far from it...not tall enough, not skinny enough, my breasts aren't big enough, I have boyish hips...the list of perceived flaws just go on and on and on for me. And for how many other girls and women? What's worse is that knowing these things doesn't make my negative self-image any more positive...if anything it makes it more negative because I always thought that I wasn't weak minded enough to fall into that kind of trap--yet I was.

I'm in the trap, and can't see my way out of it. I do not have good self-esteem. And making that statement just about killed me...who wants to admit that? No sane person that I know...the above sentence is the first time I've even allowed myself to think that I have low self-esteem, let alone say it aloud or see it in print. I have low self-esteem. I realize this...but where do I go from here?

On the way out of class, my instructor stopped me and asked what I thought about the movie...and I told him that I was angry. He assumed that I was angry at the way women are portrayed, and I am, but I was also angry with myself for allowing myself to become the way I am. My problems run much deeper than I'm going to get into now, because my cousin will read it and want to kill me and because my friends may read it and then question me...but I feel so lost at this moment. My instructor also asked me if I was going to go out and change the world...change the way things are...I told him "no." That answer isn't typical of me, and he looked at me for just a moment and didn't say anything...but all I can think is how can I change the world...when I don't even have the courage to change myself?

These thoughts are rapid and jumbled, but I'm very disturbed. I had a realization about myself today that I just don't think I'm ready or able to deal with. I don't know exactly what to do, but I find myself in a difficult situation with no where to go...