Love on the brain...

Love. What is love? I'm not so sure what it is. I am sure that I have love. I love my mother. I love my brother and my sister. I love my other siblings, too. But I think that familial love is much different than the romantic kind...and what is that, exactly? Have I ever felt it? How would I know?

I've been in love before. I've also been infatuated. I think I have an inkling of the difference. When I was in fourth grade I developed a crush that lasted the better part of five years. That's like a century to normal pre-teens. I liked this boy (his name was James) so much--he was cute and funny, etc. etc. But one day I realized that he wasn't very nice, and I haven't been able to be in his company since. That was infatuation...that was drawing hearts with "Mrs. Scott" in them, that was daydreaming about growing up to become a movie star while he was in the NBA type stuff...that was imagining us "doing it" without really having a grasp on what "it" was (and all the things that come with it). I woke up from that state almost totally overnight, and never looked back.

And then I was in love once. Maybe all the "real" grown-ups out there wouldn't consider it love, especially since I never physically met him, but I know in my heart that it was. He was older than me--much, much older. It started as a primarily online relationship...and NO it wasn't the typical 'old pervert meets young honey in a chatroom and they start cybering' story. We met and started talking quite by accident...and I was my normal self...wanting to absorb all the knowledge that he could give me in such a short time. From there it escalated and very quickly (as is my nature) I was very, very, very emotionally attached to him. I have never felt anything like it before...it was amazing, really, because up until then I'd had serious doubts as to whether or not I was capable of feeling things like normal people do. Anyway, the ins and outs of that relationship are irrelevant, what I'm getting to is the feeling of being "in love," from my perspective anyway. I felt like I'd found my oldest, dearest friend...like I could tell him anything. I felt like a complete person for the first time in my life...I was happy and I was making someone else happy. It was incredible. Then I realized that as incredible as it was, it wasn't a healthy relationship by any means...and so after a very long, emotionally trying process, I had to sever all ties with him. That still hurts me today. I'm leaving many details out right now, but they're much to personal (and even a little sordid, LOL) for me to put out there...but what I'm saying is that I've felt it before.

This is also what has made me believe that it is possible to love someone without being in love with them. I still love him, and part of me always will...but I'm not in love with him. Although I miss that feeling, I know that it is for the best because at one point I had ceased to be myself and I can't live that...not for him, not for anyone. And since this experience, I've come across the "love" thing a few times. I've got several male friends that I love, but am not in love with. I can think of several, but I'm not naming any because it doesn't matter. The fact is, I love my friends. All of them.

It is amazing to me how I have known some of my friends for almost my entire life, and they hardly know me...yet I feel this incredible connection to the friends I've made at Maryville. Do we know every little detail about each other? No, but one of the great aspects of this incredibly close friendship is the road to discovering them. Every day we find out something new about each other and it draws us closer and closer...it's amazing really. I love my friends. I will say that, regardless of how long we've been friends...I love each and every single one of them (yep...HIM too, LOL).

I guess what I'm getting at here, is that for the last several days I've been thinking about love in all of its forms. I've been reading other people's thoughts about it, as well as their struggles (and triumphs) with it. And it just has me thinking about how love fits into my life. I think it is there everyday...I'm a lover. I "fall" so quickly and completely that it is scary. It opens me up to a lot of heartache and pain...but also so much joy. I can't change who I am, and I don't want to...I really just want to understand myself more. I think I'm well on my way...