My darkest secret.

I still don't know why I did it, but I just had to go prying into the darkest corner of my past. When I was 16, I had an online dalliance with a 40 year-old man. In retrospect, I'd say he was a pedophile...or at least a pervert.

Anyway, I've recently been thinking about it--what was my frame of mind? Why would I do that? Why did I let it get so out of hand? What was wrong with me?

I know the answers to most of those questions. I was a prime target for internet predators. I was lonely, awkward, alienated from my peers--and all I wanted was someone to want me. One good thing, though, is that I'm not stupid. I knew what was happening the whole time, and I went along with it because it made me feel good at the time.

After answering the questions about myself, though, I started wanting to know about him. What makes a 40 year old man prey on a lonely teenager or adolescent? How much of what he fed me was bullshit? Is he married? Does he have a family? I'm suddenly very curious. So I dug around in my old e-mail account and located his email address. I emailed him.

I'm sure nothing will come of it (I basically asked him if he remembered me or not), but I felt like I had to do it. I have to seek answers to my questions. I guess I'm really just trying to put this firmly behind me and I don't think I'll be able to until it's over. Well and truly over.

I'm kind of, like, in love...

Yes, that is Jaime admitting that she's in love. Not with the man (although I love him, too) but in love with my life. It's good. It's so good.

I'm still battling a really harsh depression. I'm still procrastinating. I'm not even doing that well in school, but it's becoming easier for me to get out of bed in the morning. It's becoming easier to function and to try...and for the first time in a long time, I have hope for what's coming next and I feel good about things.

We applied at Walden Pond Apartments and, although we're still waiting on final approval, the leasing consultant said it's safe to put in our 30 days with the place we're at now because everything looks great. Our projected move date is Oct. 28, 2006. It's going to be a lot of money for the move, but we're both working hard to make it happen. The new apartment is really great--pool, 24-hour fitness center, great kitchen, 2 bathrooms. We're both really excited.

I got a new job. I start Monday. It's at a tutoring center in Manchester, not far from where I work now. I'll be tutoring reading and English to high school, middle school and elementary students. It pays pretty well, but I won't get a paycheck until Nov. 1st, so I need to keep working at American Cleaners until after the move at least. That's going to be pretty hard--working six days a week and a 12 hour day on Saturdays, but it's only for what...3 weeks? I can handle it.

I found out yesterday that Josh's dad is coming to visit for Thanksgiving. I'm really excited to see him again. That makes this whole month of chaos and moving and everything really worth it, because by then we'll be settled in the new place and have our new furniture and really feel like we've started our family. I think it's funny that people seem to take it for granted that we're getting married. I mean, as much as we love each other, we don't even know from day-to-day if we're getting married. Some days I don't even know if I can stand to look at him, LOL.

Anyway, that's an update.