Seventeen and counting...

That's correct. There are currently seventeen days until my 21st birthday. On March 31 the world will come undone.

Well, that's not entirely accurate. But I will be three sheets to the wind, very quickly and for a very long time. Turning 21 means I'll be legal, and unlike most of my counterparts, I haven't been drinking since I was 12, so being able to booze will be a new experience for me. I can't wait.

In other news, I'm in the process of applying for a permanent, full-time position at Edward Jones. I should know something by the first week of April. I've got my school schedule switched around and I'll still graduate on time.

I bought a new car. It's a 2006 Chevy Cobalt, white, four doors, unimaginably awesome. I feel really blessed. God has been smiling on me since 2004. It's actually kind of scary because nothing good lasts forever, and truthfully I've had plenty of depression and darkness, too. I just feel like I've been living this charmed life and eventually it's going to fall down around my ears.

Josh and I are...well, technically we're fine. Well, we are when we don't talk. I realized last night that when we talk about anything other than work, we fight. This can't bode well for our future. Oh well. At least I haven't been sitting around waiting on him to sweep me off my feet and solve all of my problems. I love him. I don't want us to be over, but if we are...at least I have something, even if it isn't much.

School is ok. I bombed out big-time on my mid-terms. For the first time ever. As long as I pass, though, I'm happy.

"I'm in and I'm in to win."

Happy New Year!

I could spend paragraph upon paragraph talking about the holidays and Edward Jones and school and Josh and, well, everything. But I won't. This post isn't about me. Well, not directly. Suffice it to say that all is more than well in my world. I'm having a great time, and the big 2-1 is right around the corner. Now, let's talk politics.

What a great time it is to be a young, liberal college student! Coming into the 2008 presidential election, the competition is already heating up and I am ecstatic. Hillary Clinton is running. Barrack Obama is running. John Edwards is running. Hell, even Tom Vilsack (former Iowa governor, who I just happened to campaign for twice) is running. Now, I'm not actually thrilled about all these people. Vilsack doesn't stand a chance, especially not against some of these other Democratic heavyweights.

Hillary is intensely polarizing, which may make her a less than ideal candidate. But I like her. She's smart, capable, and although people often ridicule her for being mannish, she's exactly what a businesswoman should be. In her announcement message she said, "I'm in and I'm in to win." Could she have said it better? And I think she just might.

I like Barrack Obama and John Edwards is gorgeous! (FYI: he's also intelligent, well-spoken, and a good guy)

I wonder how my liberalism will effect me now that I work at a very conservative investment firm. Or vice versa. My perspective on the world is quickly becoming more broad and more informed. I feel good. I'm a young woman, standing at the beginning of my adult journey--and I couldn't be in a better position. I don't know how prepared I am, but I feel like my life is headed in a great direction. Looking forward to a fresh start in the White House is only making my rose colored world have a deeper hue.

The Best Time of the Year

At least, it's the best time of the year according to Bing Crosby. Why the hell we should listen to a guy named Bing, I'm not so sure.

Anyway, now that I've gotten my Grinch on, let me talk about the exciting things that are happening to me. Well, sort of.

Ok, so there isn't anything.

But it will be a new year in like, 17 days. This is exciting. I'd have to say that New Year's is my second favorite holiday. It's a new beginning. A chance to unfuck up all the things I fucked up last year...a chance to be a brand new me--cuz the old me sucks. This new year, I'll have a great internship opportunity. I'll be starting the enlistment process for the USAF. I'll be self-confident and independent. And I'm going to have great hair.

Bring it on, 2007!

Just one more month...

A few weeks ago, things were looking up for us (and by us, I mean me). Joshua had gotten promoted, I secured the internship, and although we had no real cash flow, we just had to survive until the new year.

True, all of those things still hold. However, it is becoming increasingly difficult to "scrape by." It's just catastrophe after catastrophe. One weekend our joint account goes $400 negative because of the way a holiday fell. The next week Josh has a flat tire which costs $70 that we did not have room in the budget for. Week after that my heater core blows, so I can't drive my car. We tried to fix it, couldn't and put a Band-aid on it that means I have no heat.

The week after that Joshua gets another flat tire. He leaves the car parked at McDonald's on Wednesday night. Thursday there's an ice storm which leaves my car practically undrivable because with no heat, I can't keep my windshield clear of ice and fog. We manage to get a ride around town to get a tire, this one costing $80 which wasn't in our budget, and a heater for my windshield (which is highly ineffective).

This week, my personal account is $200 negative, because with all the extra expenses and the rent check, the money just wasn't there. On top of that, we're roughly $3000 in debt, have no money available to us, no way to get any, it's almost Christmas and we need to survive for the next 3 weeks.

At this point, I just don't know what to do.

There's always something; every week there is something. January is looking so far away. In January, we'll file our taxes. Josh should get roughly $2000 back, half of which will go toward paying an old tax bill. $500 more dollars go to his ex, but we should have a couple hundred to work with. I'll file my taxes and get back a few hundred dollars. I'll be working with Edward Jones and making the same amount he is, so we should be able to catch things up. The end of January should be better, but how do we make it until then without digging a hole that we won't even be able to get out of then?

I read some articles on MSN about how people have managed to pay off huge amounts of debt relatively quickly (like $25,000 in one calendar year), but all of those strategies seem too extreme--taking second jobs and such. I have decided, though, that we're going to do some belt tightening if it kills us.

No more movies (although we've only been to one movie [that we paid for] in the last month). No more eating out. No more splurging. No more trips all over town to visit folks, not because we don't want to be social, but because we need that gas for work and school. After I get out of school next week, my car is parked until I start at Edward Jones.

But suddenly, I just can't wait for the New Year.

This is the post that never begins...

...someone can feel free to cue the Lamb Chop music (i.e. The Song that Never Ends). I swear that I've started like three posts in the last two weeks, yet I never have time to finish and now the fun and spontaneity of the posts seems irrelevant.

November, far from being mellow, has been a month of severe highs and lows. Well, maybe not severe. Anyway, Joshua got a promotion at work. He now drives a forklift and is generally happier with his job. I got the Branch Services Internship with Edward Jones and come January 2nd will be "rolling in the dough." Actually, that's not true, but it is a 40 hr/wk paid internship. That will help us get some things taken care of, so we're pretty excited.

Then the bank f---ed up our money situation, and I can't seem to straighten it out, which is a real low.

But, we have a great place to live, are generally getting along, and life seems to keep getting better and better. For now...

A New Day

I'm tempted to sing a sappy Celine Dion song by the same name, but I feel like I can do without the song and still get my point across. If October was a hellish month, November is sure to be like heaven (that is, if I haven't just tempted fate by saying so).

We moved last weekend into a beautiful new apartment. Both Josh and I are so happy just to be out of the gloomy, crappy hole in the wall we lived in previously that we can't stop hugging and laughing. It's borderline weird. Ok. It's weird.

I finished the paper for Dr. K and the writing center conference, just in the nick of time. We had a wonderful day filled with laughter, sarcasm and a little bit of learning. I also found out that Dr. K and Mrs. Dr. K are expecting so congrats to them.

I have a five page paper due in my Public Opinion class and two four page papers due in PR Strategies (one of which I should be working on now), but other than that, I don't have any real stress for the first few weeks of November. David and V are visiting at Thanksgiving, and in the interim it's time to start shopping for Christmas presents.

November should hopefully be pretty mellow. I'm glad. I need the rest.

My darkest secret.

I still don't know why I did it, but I just had to go prying into the darkest corner of my past. When I was 16, I had an online dalliance with a 40 year-old man. In retrospect, I'd say he was a pedophile...or at least a pervert.

Anyway, I've recently been thinking about it--what was my frame of mind? Why would I do that? Why did I let it get so out of hand? What was wrong with me?

I know the answers to most of those questions. I was a prime target for internet predators. I was lonely, awkward, alienated from my peers--and all I wanted was someone to want me. One good thing, though, is that I'm not stupid. I knew what was happening the whole time, and I went along with it because it made me feel good at the time.

After answering the questions about myself, though, I started wanting to know about him. What makes a 40 year old man prey on a lonely teenager or adolescent? How much of what he fed me was bullshit? Is he married? Does he have a family? I'm suddenly very curious. So I dug around in my old e-mail account and located his email address. I emailed him.

I'm sure nothing will come of it (I basically asked him if he remembered me or not), but I felt like I had to do it. I have to seek answers to my questions. I guess I'm really just trying to put this firmly behind me and I don't think I'll be able to until it's over. Well and truly over.