Just around the corner

I can't believe it's almost February. It seems like only 4 weeks ago I was drinking sparkling grape juice and opening Christmas presents. Hmm. That's probably because it was four weeks ago. Four long, depression filled weeks ago. I'm definitely happy not to be living on campus, but I feel really disconnected from all of my friends. The other day I realized that as hard as I've tried to stay "tight" with my friends at school, it just hasn't happened. I finally stopped calling them to "see what's up" al l the time. I see them when I'm passing between classes and at some meals, but other than that, I never really know what's going on anymore.

I told Josh the other day that, sadly, he's my best friend. I'm not always very good at being tactful, because I didn't mean that I don't want to be his friend, just that...I wish I had other, outside friends. One good thing, though, is that I'm keeping in better touch with my friends from home, which it's easy to not do when I'm on campus. I'm going to try to go home next weekend. I think I just need some time to myself to recharge nd get my head straight. Josh and I had a really bad fight this week, and although we're over it...well, I think I just need to get away.

I think it's crazy that you can love someone and do things to hurt them, deliberately or accidentally. In this particular case, it was a double edged sword. He did something that he knew would cause me to worry, because he thought that the worry and the fear would make me realize that I should be careful what I wish for. It backfired, though, because instead of reacting the way he thought I would, I wound up worrying about him, not myself. In the process, I really withdrew from him, which hurt him. After we both hurt each other, it all came out during an argument, and we didn't speak for a long time. It was terrible. It seems silly now, it was painful. I think we're better off, though, because we both realize that keeping motives and things secret can wind up causing more trouble than it's worth. Hopefully this weekend we'll be able to relax and be happy again.