My blogging past, revisited

I was bored and decided to read my blog archives to see the things I was thinking, feeling, and writing six months ago. Some things of interest showed up, and I thought I might address them now.

Oct. 25, 2004--Sex can be great, can't it? I imagine that lovemaking is infinitely better...some day I want to find out. I don't think I'm cut out for sex...at this point it's what I want, because I've never experienced it before...but eventually I will want more. And then what?

Well, eventually has finally arrived. In the last few weeks it has started becoming more and more apparent to me that I want more out of sex than just sex. The problem is that my body doesn't listen to my brain. I know that for my own mental and emotional well-being I need to stop having sex until I am in a productive relationship (and no, that doesn't mean I'm sleeping around, it just means that I have a f--- buddy, not a significant other), but I can't seem to get a handle on the issue just yet. Hopefully I will soon see the light at the end of tunnel on that one...

Nov. 3, 2004--At any rate...my NYRes last year was: Be a more positive person and affect others in a positive manner. At the moment, I really suck. First off, I know that the majority of my thoughts are negative. I can't help it. I have negative thoughts about myself, I'm overly critical of others...in general I think I just have a bad attitude, and that makes me sad because I don't want to be that kind of person. My main goal in life is to be a good person...I want people to smile when they think of me, like I smile when I think of certain people. The trouble is...I'm not all that good, and it is hard for me to behave well for long periods of time.

Hmm, this still hasn't changed and we're already well into the new year. Why can't I change this character flaw? Maybe seeing it once more will finally get it to sink in. I'm going to really, really try...starting right now, today.

Nov. 13, 2004--So I've accepted the new me--I didn't have a choice; it was that or begin to really hate myself. But now I'm disappointed. I am a new me; in some ways I am better and in many ways I am not. I'm disappointed that the new better me, can't share this new part of myself. I feel like I need to keep me underwraps...and I don't like it. Maybe someday, if I'm good, I'll get to share it with someone. I guess, until then...I just need to suck it up and stop whining.

I don't know what to say about this other than I think it's interesting to look back on. I'm still trying to be a new, better me and I'm still failing every day; however, there are some real successes in there. I still feel like I can't share "me" with people, though, because (like with the Terri thing) they won't just accept "me." Once I can get over that, I'll be all good.

Nov. 29, 2004--In life, some things are a big deal. But most of the things people (myself included) spazz about, really aren't that big of a deal. So I'm going to try to keep it that way. Pray for me...

I find this absolutely hilarious...as many times as I've told myself I'm not going to be a spazz, I'm still the worst spazz in the world. Tomorrow's another day, right? I'll spazz less tomorrow, then.

I'll add more later...