...according to Jaime...

Seventeen and counting...

2007-03-14T17:40:00.000-05:00

That's correct. There are currently seventeen days until my 21st birthday. On March 31 the world will come undone.

Well, that's not entirely accurate. But I will be three sheets to the wind, very quickly and for a very long time. Turning 21 means I'll be legal, and unlike most of my counterparts, I haven't been drinking since I was 12, so being able to booze will be a new experience for me. I can't wait.

In other news, I'm in the process of applying for a permanent, full-time position at Edward Jones. I should know something by the first week of April. I've got my school schedule switched around and I'll still graduate on time.

I bought a new car. It's a 2006 Chevy Cobalt, white, four doors, unimaginably awesome. I feel really blessed. God has been smiling on me since 2004. It's actually kind of scary because nothing good lasts forever, and truthfully I've had plenty of depression and darkness, too. I just feel like I've been living this charmed life and eventually it's going to fall down around my ears.

Josh and I are...well, technically we're fine. Well, we are when we don't talk. I realized last night that when we talk about anything other than work, we fight. This can't bode well for our future. Oh well. At least I haven't been sitting around waiting on him to sweep me off my feet and solve all of my problems. I love him. I don't want us to be over, but if we are...at least I have something, even if it isn't much.

School is ok. I bombed out big-time on my mid-terms. For the first time ever. As long as I pass, though, I'm happy.

"I'm in and I'm in to win."

2007-01-20T12:02:00.000-06:00

Happy New Year!

I could spend paragraph upon paragraph talking about the holidays and Edward Jones and school and Josh and, well, everything. But I won't. This post isn't about me. Well, not directly. Suffice it to say that all is more than well in my world. I'm having a great time, and the big 2-1 is right around the corner. Now, let's talk politics.

What a great time it is to be a young, liberal college student! Coming into the 2008 presidential election, the competition is already heating up and I am ecstatic. Hillary Clinton is running. Barrack Obama is running. John Edwards is running. Hell, even Tom Vilsack (former Iowa governor, who I just happened to campaign for twice) is running. Now, I'm not actually thrilled about all these people. Vilsack doesn't stand a chance, especially not against some of these other Democratic heavyweights.

Hillary is intensely polarizing, which may make her a less than ideal candidate. But I like her. She's smart, capable, and although people often ridicule her for being mannish, she's exactly what a businesswoman should be. In her announcement message she said, "I'm in and I'm in to win." Could she have said it better? And I think she just might.

I like Barrack Obama and John Edwards is gorgeous! (FYI: he's also intelligent, well-spoken, and a good guy)

I wonder how my liberalism will effect me now that I work at a very conservative investment firm. Or vice versa. My perspective on the world is quickly becoming more broad and more informed. I feel good. I'm a young woman, standing at the beginning of my adult journey--and I couldn't be in a better position. I don't know how prepared I am, but I feel like my life is headed in a great direction. Looking forward to a fresh start in the White House is only making my rose colored world have a deeper hue.

The Best Time of the Year

2006-12-15T15:03:00.000-06:00

At least, it's the best time of the year according to Bing Crosby. Why the hell we should listen to a guy named Bing, I'm not so sure.

Anyway, now that I've gotten my Grinch on, let me talk about the exciting things that are happening to me. Well, sort of.

Ok, so there isn't anything.

But it will be a new year in like, 17 days. This is exciting. I'd have to say that New Year's is my second favorite holiday. It's a new beginning. A chance to unfuck up all the things I fucked up last year...a chance to be a brand new me--cuz the old me sucks. This new year, I'll have a great internship opportunity. I'll be starting the enlistment process for the USAF. I'll be self-confident and independent. And I'm going to have great hair.

Bring it on, 2007!

Just one more month...

2006-12-07T10:27:00.000-06:00

A few weeks ago, things were looking up for us (and by us, I mean me). Joshua had gotten promoted, I secured the internship, and although we had no real cash flow, we just had to survive until the new year.

True, all of those things still hold. However, it is becoming increasingly difficult to "scrape by." It's just catastrophe after catastrophe. One weekend our joint account goes $400 negative because of the way a holiday fell. The next week Josh has a flat tire which costs $70 that we did not have room in the budget for. Week after that my heater core blows, so I can't drive my car. We tried to fix it, couldn't and put a Band-aid on it that means I have no heat.

The week after that Joshua gets another flat tire. He leaves the car parked at McDonald's on Wednesday night. Thursday there's an ice storm which leaves my car practically undrivable because with no heat, I can't keep my windshield clear of ice and fog. We manage to get a ride around town to get a tire, this one costing $80 which wasn't in our budget, and a heater for my windshield (which is highly ineffective).

This week, my personal account is $200 negative, because with all the extra expenses and the rent check, the money just wasn't there. On top of that, we're roughly $3000 in debt, have no money available to us, no way to get any, it's almost Christmas and we need to survive for the next 3 weeks.

At this point, I just don't know what to do.

There's always something; every week there is something. January is looking so far away. In January, we'll file our taxes. Josh should get roughly $2000 back, half of which will go toward paying an old tax bill. $500 more dollars go to his ex, but we should have a couple hundred to work with. I'll file my taxes and get back a few hundred dollars. I'll be working with Edward Jones and making the same amount he is, so we should be able to catch things up. The end of January should be better, but how do we make it until then without digging a hole that we won't even be able to get out of then?

I read some articles on MSN about how people have managed to pay off huge amounts of debt relatively quickly (like $25,000 in one calendar year), but all of those strategies seem too extreme--taking second jobs and such. I have decided, though, that we're going to do some belt tightening if it kills us.

No more movies (although we've only been to one movie [that we paid for] in the last month). No more eating out. No more splurging. No more trips all over town to visit folks, not because we don't want to be social, but because we need that gas for work and school. After I get out of school next week, my car is parked until I start at Edward Jones.

But suddenly, I just can't wait for the New Year.

This is the post that never begins...

2006-11-14T11:41:00.000-06:00

...someone can feel free to cue the Lamb Chop music (i.e. The Song that Never Ends). I swear that I've started like three posts in the last two weeks, yet I never have time to finish and now the fun and spontaneity of the posts seems irrelevant.

November, far from being mellow, has been a month of severe highs and lows. Well, maybe not severe. Anyway, Joshua got a promotion at work. He now drives a forklift and is generally happier with his job. I got the Branch Services Internship with Edward Jones and come January 2nd will be "rolling in the dough." Actually, that's not true, but it is a 40 hr/wk paid internship. That will help us get some things taken care of, so we're pretty excited.

Then the bank f---ed up our money situation, and I can't seem to straighten it out, which is a real low.

But, we have a great place to live, are generally getting along, and life seems to keep getting better and better. For now...

A New Day

2006-11-01T13:43:00.000-06:00

I'm tempted to sing a sappy Celine Dion song by the same name, but I feel like I can do without the song and still get my point across. If October was a hellish month, November is sure to be like heaven (that is, if I haven't just tempted fate by saying so).

We moved last weekend into a beautiful new apartment. Both Josh and I are so happy just to be out of the gloomy, crappy hole in the wall we lived in previously that we can't stop hugging and laughing. It's borderline weird. Ok. It's weird.

I finished the paper for Dr. K and the writing center conference, just in the nick of time. We had a wonderful day filled with laughter, sarcasm and a little bit of learning. I also found out that Dr. K and Mrs. Dr. K are expecting so congrats to them.

I have a five page paper due in my Public Opinion class and two four page papers due in PR Strategies (one of which I should be working on now), but other than that, I don't have any real stress for the first few weeks of November. David and V are visiting at Thanksgiving, and in the interim it's time to start shopping for Christmas presents.

November should hopefully be pretty mellow. I'm glad. I need the rest.

My darkest secret.

2006-10-11T15:22:00.000-05:00

I still don't know why I did it, but I just had to go prying into the darkest corner of my past. When I was 16, I had an online dalliance with a 40 year-old man. In retrospect, I'd say he was a pedophile...or at least a pervert.

Anyway, I've recently been thinking about it--what was my frame of mind? Why would I do that? Why did I let it get so out of hand? What was wrong with me?

I know the answers to most of those questions. I was a prime target for internet predators. I was lonely, awkward, alienated from my peers--and all I wanted was someone to want me. One good thing, though, is that I'm not stupid. I knew what was happening the whole time, and I went along with it because it made me feel good at the time.

After answering the questions about myself, though, I started wanting to know about him. What makes a 40 year old man prey on a lonely teenager or adolescent? How much of what he fed me was bullshit? Is he married? Does he have a family? I'm suddenly very curious. So I dug around in my old e-mail account and located his email address. I emailed him.

I'm sure nothing will come of it (I basically asked him if he remembered me or not), but I felt like I had to do it. I have to seek answers to my questions. I guess I'm really just trying to put this firmly behind me and I don't think I'll be able to until it's over. Well and truly over.

I'm kind of, like, in love...

2006-10-05T09:19:00.000-05:00

Yes, that is Jaime admitting that she's in love. Not with the man (although I love him, too) but in love with my life. It's good. It's so good.

I'm still battling a really harsh depression. I'm still procrastinating. I'm not even doing that well in school, but it's becoming easier for me to get out of bed in the morning. It's becoming easier to function and to try...and for the first time in a long time, I have hope for what's coming next and I feel good about things.

We applied at Walden Pond Apartments and, although we're still waiting on final approval, the leasing consultant said it's safe to put in our 30 days with the place we're at now because everything looks great. Our projected move date is Oct. 28, 2006. It's going to be a lot of money for the move, but we're both working hard to make it happen. The new apartment is really great--pool, 24-hour fitness center, great kitchen, 2 bathrooms. We're both really excited.

I got a new job. I start Monday. It's at a tutoring center in Manchester, not far from where I work now. I'll be tutoring reading and English to high school, middle school and elementary students. It pays pretty well, but I won't get a paycheck until Nov. 1st, so I need to keep working at American Cleaners until after the move at least. That's going to be pretty hard--working six days a week and a 12 hour day on Saturdays, but it's only for what...3 weeks? I can handle it.

I found out yesterday that Josh's dad is coming to visit for Thanksgiving. I'm really excited to see him again. That makes this whole month of chaos and moving and everything really worth it, because by then we'll be settled in the new place and have our new furniture and really feel like we've started our family. I think it's funny that people seem to take it for granted that we're getting married. I mean, as much as we love each other, we don't even know from day-to-day if we're getting married. Some days I don't even know if I can stand to look at him, LOL.

Anyway, that's an update.

The more things change, the more they stay the same...

2006-08-23T13:08:00.000-05:00

Well, the summer is almost over. Classes start next week and then I'll be back in the grind--going to class, trying not to be late, procrastinating on my work, squeezing in time to tutor, working an ungodly amount of hours--you know, just like old times. In the last few months I've had some changes, but I've found that things are basically the same.

Changes:

1. My friend Krystal is pregnant.
2. I'm sleeping better.
3. I'm feeling more self-confident and less depressed.
4. I'm looking forward to the rest of 2006, and I have big plans in the works.
5. I may know what I want to do after I graduate (event planning, anyone?).

Same:

1. I'm still procrastinating. I have a five page paper to begin for Dr. Kavadlo, I never finished one for Dr. Pitelka, and I just ordered my textbooks and classes begin in 5 days.
2. Still unhappy with my work situation and looking for a new job.
3. I'm still trying to make friends and "connect" in STL.
4. Still trying to decide if Josh and I are "it."
5. Still need more money. Will this ever change? LOL...

Oh, and even my dad is changing...a little. He recently let Josh and I stay overnight at the house, provided we slept in separate rooms. I really just think he got scared that we might be talking about getting married. Yeah, right.

All I need is music, baby...

2006-06-09T12:57:00.000-05:00

I have to confess to not being impressed by the music scene in recent years. I'm more interested in popular rap (i.e. songs that get much radio play, I still haven't gone underground) than I am in pop music. It's sad. Sad because I still don't have enough taste in music to dip my toes into anything but mainstream. Sad because pop music has once again filled with faux rockers that are whining about being middle class. Music has always helped me out of my depressions, and this time there was nothing--until today.

Christina Aguilera's new single just hit radio. I admit it--I am still a teeny bopper at heart, however, being a fan of Christina is ok because she's managed to bridge the gap between teeny bopper and respectable. I also admit that I wasn't expecting much from her new album or sound. I figured she'd be trying to do the soft rock/pop thing like everyone else, and I was pleasantly surprised that she didn't. She did take old R'n'B and put a modern spin on it. I'm both impressed and excited for her cd to come out in August. I've got music, baby. Something to look forward to, something to enjoy. Something to really feel.

And I still get to be nostalgic about teeny bopping days of old.

Life update: I got a job yesterday. I'll be a counter-clerk at a dry cleaners. It doesn't pay as much as my last two jobs ($7.60/hr), but it's work. It's money coming in, and it isn't hard. I start Monday.

I also had an interview today, for a job that starts in August. I actually want this job--it's office work. The hours are ideal for me, and I'd get certified (for free) in Property and Casualty insurance quoting, which I could use elsewhere. Hopefully I get this job. Things are looking up, again.

Love, Life, and Unemployment

2006-06-02T13:51:00.000-05:00

It seems like it's been years since I updated, but truthfully it's only been a weeks. Hmm...where to begin, where to begin? I'll start with love...

What is it that Owen Wilson's character says in Wedding Crashers? "People go to weddings because they want to believe in true love." I'll buy that for a dollar. I'd also buy that people go to weddings because their Type-A, perfectionist sisters make them shell out hundreds of dollars on bridesmaid dresses. I went for a combination of both.

The whole wedding weekend was fabulous. Although my mother was passing her stress along to everyone she contacted (and believe me, she contacted me A LOT), most everyone got along rather well. My sister got a chance to really sit down and talk with Josh, and surprise of all surprises, likes him. No, really likes him. As in, would happily be a bridesmaid in my wedding if I told her I was going to marry him tomorrow. It goes without saying, of course, that he and I are not anywhere near marriage. That was just an example.

I have to admit, even within my nit-picky, always-look-for-the-bad-in-people self that my honey was very, very good to me that weekend. I was a raging ball of bitchy for at least two weeks prior to the wedding, and I've been a tornado of depression and bitchy for the two weeks since. He was wonderfully calm and really sweet. He brought me breakfast in bed at the hotel, made sure to take orders from every female that could possibly related to me (by lifting all the heavy stuff of course), and even danced with me at the wedding. And anyone that knows Josh knows that he doesn't dance. He didn't even get mad at me when I skipped his daughter's birthday party the next day. I just couldn't handle Chuck E. Cheese after the wedding, LOL.

So that brings me to life... Life is a work in progress. I'm finding it very depressing to basically sit around spinning my wheels all day. I would have thought being a kept woman was fun, but it's really, really dull. I've been reading a lot, though. Read a decent book called The Summer We Got Saved. It's about the intertwined lives of 4 Southern characters during the early Civil Rights movement--white ones. Well, 3 white characters and one black one. It's interesting in that the white characters aren't changed at all by the events that happened in the summer, yet somehow they're still so different. I should recommend it to Dr. Pitelka if she hasn't read it already.

Our writing center conference proposal was accepted. Thanks to Dr. Kavadlo, next October we'll be presenting on "The Obstacle Is the Path: Tutoring Across Content, Beyond Convenience, and Toward Enlightenment." It all sounds very interesting, but I have to write a piece of it. I'm not entirely convinced I'm smart enough, or that I have anything to say. I know that Dr. Kavadlo will likely read this, and to him I say: Although I'm not that confident, I'll give it my best shot. Hope you're having a nice summer.

And finally...unemployment. It sucks. Big time. I've been out looking for a job like it is my job and nothing seems forthcoming. I think I have personality. I think I have charisma. I know that I am capable. So what's the problem? I tell myself that two years from now it won't be like this--by then I'll have a degree--but I've been reading that in general the job market sucks. If worse comes to worse, I might really end up putting on some weight and working at Thick Sugars (hi, Chanda!)

School's Out

2006-05-11T14:03:00.000-05:00

And I'm still a basketcase of sorts. I didn't finish my final paper for my history class, but I talked to my instructor and she'll give me an incomplete until I finish. I want it done by Monday, and I've got all weekend to do it.

In other news, Josh and I have been fighting like cats and dogs. It's mostly my fault, but not entirely. What do we have to fight about? Everything. Nothing. Next week I'm going to start my job search with gusto, and then maybe I'll quit being so depressed. He, on the other hand, has been really great about it--telling me I don't have to rush and all that. But my depression leads to fighting because I'm never content to feel crappy alone...I have to suck the joy out of everyone else's life, too.

Chanda's birthday is next week. So is the wedding. I'll be glad when it's all over. My girl will be 20, my sister will be married.

I'd like to give a shout-out to my cousin, Vince. Peace.

My sister built a house...

2006-04-28T12:54:00.000-05:00

...and I'm so mad. Well, not really. Really I'm very happy for my sister and her husband. What I'm not happy about is this idea she has that everything in her life must be kept secret from the people that care about her. Building a house is a very long, time consuming, expensive event in a person's life...yet she did the whole thing without telling anyone. Not my mom, not my brother, no one. She has this weird thing about privacy, but it's like she wants to cut herself completely off from her family. It's, well, strange.

Now me on the other hand, I'm also trying to buy a house. I haven't really said anything to anyone, but only because we're in the preliminary stages. When it gets to the point that we've got a lender lined up and it's definitely going to happen, of course I will let my family know. I'm not just going to move and then send an e-mail saying, "By the way, we had a house built and we're all moved in." I just don't want to cause a big family freak-out before it's necessary, and there will be a freak-out. I'm twenty years old and unmarried. My sister, on the other hand, is 33 years-old, married, and has a child. Everyone would have been very supportive. But oh well. You can't change folks.

Best Weekend Ever...

2006-04-18T11:17:00.000-05:00

We had a wonderful Easter. Originally I was going to write a really long post about the weekend, but instead I'll just say that it was nice. We visited my family and went go-karting, and laser-tagging, and bad-mouthed people in church. The food was good, everyone got along and I realized that if I spent every Easter of the rest of my life doing those things with those people, I'll be mighty happy indeed.

Happy Belated Easter, folks.

I feel sorry for Britney Spears.

2006-04-14T11:35:00.000-05:00

Wow. I never in a million years thought I would ever say that. Now, don't get me wrong--she's worth a million bajillion dollars and if she wanted to, would never have to work another day in her life, so I don't feel too sorry for her. I just pity her a little.

Why? Well, because I get the feeling that at 24 years old, she's still really lost inside. She's lived most of her adolescence in the public eye. It's hard enough to live through adolescence with parents, peers and teachers watching you. How hard must it be if you're being watched by the whole world? So yeah...seemingly she's got everything I could ever want: She's rich, she's pretty, people adore her, etc. But I wouldn't trade places with her for all the money and looks in the world.

In my inexpert opinion, and keep in mind I've never met the girl, it was a mistake on Britney's part to marry Kevin Federline. I can almost imagine how she felt at the time. She wanted to prove once and for all that she was an adult. What do adults do? Adults marry. They probably had a wonderful sex life, which most couples do at the beginning, but they didn't take the time to get to know each other enough to really be husband and wife. Marriage is much more than sex; spectacular sex doesn't last forever. Eventually couples lose the wild, passionate sexual spark that may originally bring them together. That's not to say that couples who have been together for years or decades don't have wonderful sex lives. If the relationship has any real foundation, the spark is replaced by something else--something deeper and more fulfilling. I really don't think Britney and Kevin truly and responsibly thought past the passion stage or talked about the things that would someday be more important than sex, such as goals and dreams and life. They just didn't give each other enough time.

Now she's married. Right away, she has a baby. Right after that, they're having marital troubles. Everyone saw it coming. Everyone is filled with laughter and scorn. I'm kind of filled with sadness. I used to be a tremendous Britney-hater but now, although she's still not my favorite person, I've grown up enough to realize that she's just a person, like me, trying to live life the best way she knows how.

I can identify with Britney because for a while, I was struggling to prove my adulthood. I moved in with my boyfriend. I got pregnant, unintentionally. I wanted everything...RIGHT NOW. But somewhere in the midst of all the confusion and difficulty of cohabitating and the heartache of miscarrying, I grew up. I realized that I don't have to rush into getting married (and I shouldn't!!!) and having children to be an adult--because behaving irresponsibly and being foolhardy isn't what adults do. I've become an adult because I've matured. I'm happy. I have dreams and goals...and so does Josh. We have dreams and goals together. I'm not in a rush anymore because I want to do it right, not quickly. And it feels good.

Anyway, I originally started this post with the intention of sharing my opinion of the coverage of Britney as a mom. I've seen publications ridicule her son, who didn't ask to be brought into the world. I've seen publications basically call the woman a bad person and a bad mother (and this was before she made the idiotic mistake of driving with the child in her lap). And now the baby bumped his head, and they're basically calling her a bad mother for that, too. First of all, babies bump there heads. They just do. One head bump isn't enough to call the woman a child abuser. Secondly, he was with his nanny. The woman's sole job is to care for children, and whatever you may think about Britney having a nanny--many wealthy women do, she's no different. I just wish that the media would leave her alone. At this point, she's not promoting, she's not seeking their attention...just let her be. Maybe she can find some time to do a little growing of her own.

I didn't know how right I was...

2006-04-10T14:46:00.000-05:00

...when I said that I had some major life changes in the works. The same day of my last post, Dr. Lytle called me...and they let me go. Apparently, they "just didn't have enough work to do to justify paying me to come in." I'm supposed to believe that...when they just hired another front desk person? Anyway, so now I'm minus one job...but still working on campus. That gives me at least two months and possibly all summer to find a new job and today I had a job interview. I had the job interview from Hell, to be exact.

I interviewed at a law office close to Maryville. I was supposed to be there at 1 p.m. I wasn't sure what to wear, and finally decided on all black--but my shirt was sleeveless, which worried me a bit. Still, no pressure. It's a good job--20 or 24 hours a week, $10 an hour, will fit in great with my schedule next semester and over the summer. I wanted it. Badly. And then I was late.

I left Maryville at 12:25 p.m. I thought it was right up the road and it was, but I took a wrong turn. Not being familiar with St. Louis streets (except the ones I use all the time), I didn't know that there's a Ballas Rd. and a New Ballas Rd. and both of them have North and South sections, too. I headed South on Ballas, which somehow actually took me North and I wound up on the other side of the city. I called Information, and the number they gave me was WRONG, so I couldn't even call. Finally, almost in tears, I stopped at an insurance office and the lady was really great. She said she had a daughter around my age and would want someone to help her, so she helped me find the number and printed me out directions.

When I called, Tricia, my interviewer was very understanding. I managed to make it there only a half hour late (pfft...only..) and then I had the interview. It was short, sweet and to the point. Then I had a typing test...she gave me an example of the way they type letters. Then she gave me a sheet with formatting instructions. I followed those instructions to the letter, and the two sheets couldn't have looked more different. I don't know if I did well with it or not, and it took me a whole half hour for something that should have taken ten minutes (I spent lots of time confused). Basically, I don't feel like I put my best foot forward today and I don't like that. I don't think I will get this job, and I wanted it.

And now I get to go to class. Yay for me!

Now that I'm an old lady...

2006-04-03T13:06:00.000-05:00

...life is good. Better than good, actually. I'm not going to say too much, but I've got some major life changes in the works.

I had a really good birthday. I went to work and had an ok day. Josh and I took care of some business afterward and then went to dinner at the Olive Garden and to the movies. We say "Stay Alive" which is about a video game that kills you when you play it. It was actually, really, really good. Well, what I saw of it between covering my eyes and being scared like a little bitch.

The day after my birthday we went to the STL Mills Mall. We spent like 4 or 5 hours shopping, and the man didn't even complain. I just felt like this whole weekend was mine. It was nice. Really, really nice.

Today I bought my digital camera, so as soon as I get to play with it...look out for pictures of no real importance. I'm just ecstatic to have it finally...it's been two years in the making. I don't have much of anything smart to say...so...yeah...

One Step Closer

2006-03-22T10:37:00.000-06:00

I am so happy I could burst! I just got done with my advising appointment for next fall. At first it looked like I was going to have a schedule as jacked up as the one I have now and that I wouldn't be able to find enough time to work. Then there was Bebe.

Professor Nickolai is acting as the interim adviser for the Communications program and somehow we worked a miracle. I had to give up a few of the Sociology courses I wanted (such as Urban Soc., Stratification, and Organizational Behavior), but I think I should have enough flexibility to be able to take those at a later date, whereas I have a lot of Comm classes to get out of the way yet. Anyway...I'm going to be in class from 9:25 am to 12:15 pm, Monday through Thursday. That means I can work all afternoon those days and all day Friday. I may not even have to work weekends.

Now, let's see how many hours they'll give me at work. Hopefully all of them. Hopefully they'll let me work the front desk. Hopefully...

Sim City, here I come!

2006-03-21T12:52:00.000-06:00

Well, they finally got me playing PS2. How? I rented the Sims: Bustin' Out from Blockbuster. I love it. Josh says I like it because it's like playing house, but I really like the feature that allows me to customize my character to look like me. Well, my character resembles me; she's actually prettier than I am. LOL...it's funny really.

When we play two player, though, Josh and I are married. I don't know how I feel about that. I'm probably just reading too damn much into it, but it's weird. The Sims have kids and build a house and that's the whole premise of the game. So if we're married, we wind up having kids and all these things that we aren't really doing in real life. It's just strange to talk about them right now.

Anyway, I didn't think Josh would play, but I think he's just happy that he found a game I like. It's hella addicting, but fun, too. I need some frickin' fun in life.

It's been a little minute...

2006-03-13T13:00:00.000-06:00

...since I posted anything.

Um...last week was spring break. I didn't do anything except work for the first part of the week. I was tired, and cranky...and Joshua and I fought a lot. It was fun. LOL...

I went home to Iowa on Thursday night and then spent the whole weekend in Chicago with my mom and her friend. It was really nice. The hotel we stayed at was located on the Hamburger University campus. Yeah...Hamburger University. It's where McDonald's trains all of their store managers and owner/operators. Not to mention, their world headquarters. So basically, I was in a place where they have an upscale, Starbucks-esque Mickey D's on every corner. The hotel was beautiful, and it was on a lake. They had big screen plasma tv's in all the rooms, an olypmic sized swimming pool and a humongous hot tub that had three parts. I definitely think I'll be taking my honeymoon there...you know, ten years from now.

Our hotel was in the the rich, "old-money" part of Chi-town. All the homes out there cost at least $3 million. I don't think I'll ever make that much money in my life...but it was gorgeous. We went shopping at the mall next to the hotel--it had Burberry, Prada, Coach, etc. and all those kinds of stores. Nothing in there cost less than $200 unless it was like a white undershirt...and then it cost like $80. Needless to say, I didn't buy a damn thing. But it was cool to see how the other half live.

We rode the trains, we took the bus, we did taxis...we ate at nice restaurants, and had cocktails (non-alcoholic for me) at the John Hancock building on the 96th floor. We saw a play, we swam, we shopped. It was really nice. I won't go into every single thing that we did, but it was a nice little vacation. It was good for me to get away from all the problems in my everyday life--school, work, friends, boyfriends, growing pains. And then my dad ruined it when my mom and I got home on Sunday. But that's another story for another day.

A glass of optimism served cold...

2006-02-23T13:45:00.000-06:00

Amid all my depression, I had an optimistic thought today. Yesterday, I decided to stop thinking about getting married and having children. Even though I really don't mean to, I feel like Joshua feels pressured when I talk about those things. It's going to be hard for me, because I think about having my own family a lot...and have since I was about 16. Since I'm the kind of person that talks about my thoughts, I usually just talk about it without thinking.

Well, we had a big argument Sunday night and we both got some things off of our chest and I've decided to let it go. To forget. I said I wasn't going to mention it again. I'm not going to visit my namesite, and I'm basically going to let that hobby go. I'm not letting it go because he thinks I should, but rather because the being an etymologist makes the thought of children be ever present. I prayed over it, and today...while only being day one, has been a good day. I didn't visit Behindthename.com, and I feel okay about it.

So where's the big glass of optimism amidst all this personal change? Well, I thought about my sister's upcoming wedding and how I will handle all the nosy, critical family members if they should happen to ask when (or if) Joshua and I are getting married. I decided to say, "We don't have any plans to get married--now or in the future. I'm young, and I'm enjoying being young. I have too much to think about right now--my education, my career--I don't need to worry about getting married right now."

And there's the optimism. I have a budding career, not just a "job." I'm working in my chosen profession, in my job market...and I haven't even graduated. I really think that bodes well for my future. I'm doing pretty well with this financial independence thing, too. I'm doing pretty well for myself in more ways than one. I'm not a total screw-up. So yeah...I got pregnant. Luckily, or unluckily depending on my mood, I'm not having a baby right now. God doesn't think I'm ready to have a baby, and so I'm not. Once I get over this mild depression, and once I gain more emotional independence...well, it'll be smooth sailing, now won't it?

Whoosh!

2006-02-22T12:28:00.000-06:00

Whoosh! That is the sound of time flying by. I have mid-terms next week, yet it seems as if we've only just started the semester. And for once I actually have midterms--two of them. I'm amazed. I'm a little stressed because for some reason I thought that midterms were the week after next, but it's ok...that's our spring break week. I shouldn't have a problem studying for two tests and it'll all be over by next Wednesday.

It's already the end of February. I really, really can't believe it. It seems like so little time has passed since I was anticipating becoming a parent, and now I'm back to living "footloose and fancy free." Well, except for the occasional crying spells and stuff. I'm mostly over it, I think. It's just sometimes that it's hard...I'll think of things and they just make me sad. But I did remember something this week that I used to say to myself when I was in high school: Life is only what you make it. It's funny that I forgot that so quickly and became miserable. I was making myself miserable. When I set out to do things and have fun...guess what. I do! So I'm trying to pull myself out of this depression by spending more time with the people that care about me...and spending time caring about myself.

I don't have anything else for right now, I guess. It's a nice day outside. I'd much rather go do something fun than be in class. Oh well...

Dr. Jesse Kavadlo: A Haiku

2006-02-16T13:17:00.000-06:00

At my writing center meeting it came out, once again, that my instructor is not only a self-googling machine, but that he does google blog searches for himself as well. In honor of said facts, I wrote a crappy haiku. That's not to say that Dr. Kavadlo isn't cool enough for a wonderful haiku, but rather that I'm not capable of writing one. Let's see if he finds this one, in any case.

Jesse Kavadlo,
A self-googler, will find
My lousy haiku

And it was lousy, wasn't it? Oh well...I'm not in class. Not only do I not have to be grammatically correct, but I don't even have to use real words (I'm positive that self-googler is something we made up).

BTW, Dr. Kavadlo...if you should see this...feel free to comment, LOL.

Jaime Gully

The Bad News

2006-02-14T10:56:00.000-06:00

Well, that was short-lived and over quickly. I miscarried last week. I could spend hours writing about my grief, anger, and frustration, my disappointment in God, and my jealousy of all the people in the world who don't deserve the beautiful children they've been given, but I don't want to rehash every depressing thought I've had in the last several days.

The only good thing that has come out of all this is how it's changed my relationship with Joshua. I think (well, know) that this was the first big hurdle he and I had to get over, and we did. We came up with a plan and we were actually looking forward to being parents (well, together...he's already a parent) and we got through all the mucky stuff that happened when I miscarried too. It's amazing how almost having a child with someone pulls you so much closer to them than you were before. It makes me wonder how our relationship would be if the baby had actually been born.

I think everyone around me is glad though. They keep telling me how "God has a plan for me that I just don't know." I know that. I know God has the plan. I also know that as angry as I have been the last few days, it won't last. I'll get over it and move on and things will be fine. But on top of saying that, they all keep saying that maybe this is God's way of letting me know that Josh isn't the one for me. I've heard that from lots of different people. It pisses me off. If Joshua and I aren't meant to be together, we won't be. God won't have to send me a sign, the relationship will just end. I also know that I'm young and I have my whole life in front of me, but for right now, Joshua and I are just perfect...and I'm sick of people telling me that we're not, or that we shouldn't be together, or that we're going to break up. If all that is true, it will be just as true without you constantly throwing it up in my face.

Well, this took a more angry turn than I wanted it to. I just really wanted to put the news out that I'm no longer having a baby. So yeah. I'm not.

I'm positive

2006-02-07T11:06:00.000-06:00

Yep. The test came back positive. I'm having a baby! I'm really excited--thrilled, even. I estimate that I'm about 3.5 weeks along, so there's still some time to wait, but I'm so happy. I'm only just now mentioning it because Joshua and I had to go through a long process of deciding whether or not to have the baby or abort. Obviously, we decided to carry full term, and now things are back to normal.

We decided on a financial plan, and if everything goes well...all should be set by the time the baby arrives in October. My mom is happy because I think this will be her chance to have a grandchild that she doesn't have to worry about being yanked away by an angry baby's momma, or my sister who is going through her own things. My mom is also upset, though, because she doesn't think that Josh deserves me, or that he's a good guy...or yada yada yada. I'm always amazed because everyone thinks that. Yet when you ask people...what makes a good guy? They say, well he's got a job, and a car, and he respects you, and loves you, and takes care of his kids and is a good dad, and on and on. Josh does all of that for me and more. What more could I ask for?

Anyway, I'm also resigned to the fact that some of the people I thought were friends and that I trusted with this information aren't trustworthy. I knew it, but I didn't want to think so. It doesn't matter, though. I don't need friends that don't support me and care about me, and that take joy from thinking that I might be in pain. I'm really happy that I'm about to be a momma, and no one's going to take that from me by trying to talk down to me or talk about me, or anything like it.

The Good News

2006-02-01T14:30:00.000-06:00

I got a new job! Starting tomorrow, I will be doing public relations work at the Family Chiropractic Center in Bridgeton, MO (which is 20 minutes from Maryville). I'm so excited. Usually you don't even get to intern in your field until junior or senior year, and I'm getting to work in mine! I can't believe it. Even better, my starting pay is $9.00 an hour and I'll be clocking about 18 hours a week. Hopefully, I get a raise soon.

Well, there's more good news a-coming. Tune in next time to see.

Tim G, Trevor K, and any other internet friends of mine...

2006-01-30T13:43:00.000-06:00

I don't know how to get in touch with any of you, so I'm hoping that at some point you'll read my blog and contact me.

Trevor, I hope Uni is going well for you. Let me know which e-mail address you use, so that way I can contact you.

Tim, how's basketball season? I definitely have lots of things to tell you. My life is so mixed up right now. More than I can write about here. Anyway...I'll try to email you, but I don't know that I'll be able to.

Daisy, Katy, anyone else that may have this url--I don't know any way to contact you all, but I'd like to. Same goes for Cajun, Red, Betsy, Smelly and the like (even though you don't get along with them anymore).

Thanks!

Just around the corner

2006-01-26T12:33:00.000-06:00

I can't believe it's almost February. It seems like only 4 weeks ago I was drinking sparkling grape juice and opening Christmas presents. Hmm. That's probably because it was four weeks ago. Four long, depression filled weeks ago. I'm definitely happy not to be living on campus, but I feel really disconnected from all of my friends. The other day I realized that as hard as I've tried to stay "tight" with my friends at school, it just hasn't happened. I finally stopped calling them to "see what's up" al l the time. I see them when I'm passing between classes and at some meals, but other than that, I never really know what's going on anymore.

I told Josh the other day that, sadly, he's my best friend. I'm not always very good at being tactful, because I didn't mean that I don't want to be his friend, just that...I wish I had other, outside friends. One good thing, though, is that I'm keeping in better touch with my friends from home, which it's easy to not do when I'm on campus. I'm going to try to go home next weekend. I think I just need some time to myself to recharge nd get my head straight. Josh and I had a really bad fight this week, and although we're over it...well, I think I just need to get away.

I think it's crazy that you can love someone and do things to hurt them, deliberately or accidentally. In this particular case, it was a double edged sword. He did something that he knew would cause me to worry, because he thought that the worry and the fear would make me realize that I should be careful what I wish for. It backfired, though, because instead of reacting the way he thought I would, I wound up worrying about him, not myself. In the process, I really withdrew from him, which hurt him. After we both hurt each other, it all came out during an argument, and we didn't speak for a long time. It was terrible. It seems silly now, it was painful. I think we're better off, though, because we both realize that keeping motives and things secret can wind up causing more trouble than it's worth. Hopefully this weekend we'll be able to relax and be happy again.

Back to School...sort of...

2006-01-19T11:02:00.000-06:00

Well, school started back up for me this Tuesday. Sort of. Well, classes did start, but I did not return to campus to be a good little RA. I know...craziness of all craziness, right? My mother is severely disappointed and worried about me (I moved in with Josh), but in general I'm happier. My life is more mellow. I go to school, I go to work, and then I do whatever I feel like. I don't have to be any more or less responsible than I want to. It's nice. It will be even nicer once I get into a set routine again and have everything all set-up at the apartment. I still haven't finished un-packing, and it's been two weeks.

As for classes, I really like my Sociology of the Family course. U.S. History will be fun, too, even if I do have a 12 page research paper to be working on. I even think both of my Comm classes (PR writing and Global Comm) will be fun and more interesting than my prereqs. But, I have a religion class about death...which, although it sounds interesting, is weird because the teacher is nuts. I also have a speech class that is so remedial (for me, who took speech for years in high school) it makes me want to drill holes in my eyeballs. I'm trying to get out of that class, but I don't know what I would replace it with. We'll see.

I'm looking for a new job. I think it's time for a change, and a pay increase. I love the people that I work with now, but I'm ready to move on. Well, I should be working on some homework, so...I guess I'll get to it.

Happy New Year!

2006-01-03T14:33:00.000-06:00

Well...it's now the new year and 2006 is looking to be, well...2006. I'd say that it's going to be better than '05, but I'm not so sure. Right now I'm feeling kind of in Limbo. I don't want to go back to school (well, campus...class is fine). I'm in debt up to my ears (only about $300 but I'm not working until school starts again...damn medical bills). My room is a mess and I spend lots of time being emotional. Yep...life is life. Nothing out of the ordinary. I do think 2006 will be a good year, but it's going to start out pretty slow.

I do have one bright spot, sappy as it is. Things with Joshua are pretty great. We fight and bicker all the time, like cats and dogs, but it doesn't matter. We have fun together, too. And he makes me feel very comfortable. Is that good? I know that many people don't want to get "comfortable" with their significant other because it means the spark is gone or some silly shit, but he and I generate plenty of spark, but I can count on him to hold my head when I throw up and not be grossed out. It's that kind of familiarity and it's a beautiful thing.

In other news...Chanda's got a young tender after her and she's straight trippin'. She always talks about a non-existent love life and how no one likes her but then she finds fault with the guys that do. Or she won't call them. Or admit she likes them. Or go hang out with them. Because they're too quiet, too young, too crazy, or whatever BS excuse she comes up with. Sometimes I think she is sabotaging herself. We're only almost-20-somethings. I highly doubt we're going to stumble on Mr. Right (with a good job, house, car, etc) right now. Being in school and having something to say is a good start...go with it, Chanda!

Alex's phone is broken so I can't talk to her. Heard she got drunk and high for the new year. Drunk I can deal with...high? C'mon Alex!

An interesting name find...

2005-12-17T19:17:00.000-06:00

On the name site I use, there's been mention of the name Anina (uh-KNEE-nuh) the last few days. Behind the Name lists it as a German pet form of Anne, but one of the Hebrew specialists says it's Hebrew (more specifically Aramaic) and means "Answer my prayer." In terms of my own life, I find it pretty, much like my sister's name Amina (which is Arabic and means 'honest'), and I think Nina is a good nickname. I like also that it is Hebrew, like Miriam and Caleb, and that it has such a wonderful meaning. "Answer my prayer" and "bitterly wished for child" go great together as meanings go (Anina and Miriam) and I think they'd sound lovely as sisters.

I did a bad thing, and now I'm seriously disturbed.

2005-12-16T11:41:00.000-06:00

Well, it wasn't such a bad thing. I read one of my cousin's friend's blogs. That would be no biggie since I used to read his friend's blogs all the time, and still do read from time to time, except that this person (Jess) got a new blog because someone broke into her old one. Vince wouldn't give me the address to her new blog, so I stole it from him when he wasn't looking. The last I'd heard (from her old blog) Jess was moving to NC with her husband and her son, Peter. In the new blog, Peter is only mentioned once--and she's saying that he'll need to be at his dad's house when she meets her new love. She's met the guy, already, this I know, but that was a day dream about what meeting him would entail. But still, that's the only time Peter is mentioned.

I don't really know Jess that well, but I have a feeling that she's a hopeless romantic. That's cool. I'm just worried because all the blogs that aren't surveys, are about her new boyfriend Steve. I don't begrudge anyone love in life--Lord knows I don't, look what it's done for me--but I worry because at one point Peter was her love and now it almost seems like he's fallen by the wayside. I'm not in any danger of anyone that knows them or cares reading this blog, and I'd never want to offend her if she did read it...it just, I don't know. I don't think that parents should stop existing as people, and stop seeking love or anything, but I worry when that love becomes more important than the children involved. That isn't to say she no longer loves her son, by any means, it's just less apparent in her blogs. But congrats to Jess on the new love, I'm sure she deserves it.

If all the raindrops were lemon drops and gumdrops...

2005-12-15T17:37:00.000-06:00

My title really doesn't have jack to do with my post. I really don't have anything to post about. I was just trying to waste time. Funny, how that didn't work.

Happy Birthday, Dear.

2005-12-12T08:19:00.000-06:00

Today is Joshua's birthday. He's not too thrilled. I drove out to the house to get him this morning and he wasn't even out of bed yet. He was mumbling something about it being too early and him being too old, but I wasn't really listening. I had to get up at 5:00 a.m. to make it out there on time...so I was pretty much wired and ready to play. I jumped on the bed. I sung songs. I danced. He told me that no one should be allowed to be so chipper at that hour. I mean...that's not my fault.

My plan is to sneak over to the apartment in the early afternoon and clean. Then I'm going to bake a cake and try to figure out how the hell one goes about cooking steak. He's got presents already, so I don't need to worry about that. I wonder if Wink wants to come out later. We'll see about making that happen, too. I hope he has a good birthday. I'm trying to ease the pain of turning 30. Personally, I don't think 30 is that old...but then again...I'm only about to turn 20. LOL.

Brrr! It's cold out here...

2005-12-07T11:49:00.000-06:00

Ah, damn cold weather. It was 11 degrees when I took Josh to work this morning. I know that it can, and will, get a lot colder, but it still sucks. Florida is looking really good, suddenly. Speaking of out of state, I told him that we can't possibly have kids because he's stuck in Missouri until his kid gets older and if I want to up and change jobs in a new city, I'm going to--and I'm taking my baby with me (this is my hypothetical baby, of course).

We also talked about his mother's acceptance, or lack of it, for a child of ours. I know that when you are with someone, it shouldn't matter how their family feels, but thinking of the hurtful things that have happened to some of my nieces and nephews, I don't know if I could deal with someone hurting my child that way. He said he thinks Naomi would just be the favorite, but that's intolerable to me. Especially because something tells me that she'd be his favorite, too. I don't know...none of this really matters right now, and I need to just get over it and put it out of my mind.

I do know that I miss being 'home.' This summer I got really used to our brand of domesticity. I'm back to not wanting to be an RA. Mostly just because this week (finals week) everyone has been wanting my time and attention and I just want to study and be a hermit. It's much easier to be a hermit when I'm with Josh, at home. I just keep thinking about all the responsibilities I have at school that I don't want. I really would like to be like other people--go to class, maybe go to work, and let that be it. Instead, I'm an RA, I'm in every club known to man. I did quit the danceteam though, so that's one less thing on my plate. I'm just feeling overwhelmed. I wished I knew what would be best for me down the road so that I could make an intelligent and informed decision. Instead I have a feeling that no matter what I do, I 'll regret it at some point in the future. But then, what's life without a few regrets? Pretty boring, that's what. LOL.

It's nice to be at peace.

2005-12-06T12:46:00.000-06:00

Life is good.

The semester is winding down. I turned in my term paper, which was complete BS, but according to the professor no one got below a B. He also keeps telling me that I'm a good student, so there's hope that I may get an A. I only have two more tests and four short writing assignments and then I'm done. Joy.

I'm really happy with my boyfriend at the moment. Not for any particular reason. I was remembering something that his father told me at Thanksgiving. He said, "If two people want to be together, nothing will keep them apart. If two people don't want to be together, nothing anyone can say or do will keep them together and happy." Thinking about it, I realized that I do want to be with Joshua. I don't care about the difference in ages, race, education, etc. I don't care if no one on this earth approves. I'm happy. And since resolving that, I've quit trying to tear the relationship down from the inside. Cool.

In other news, I've decided that (Joshua or no Joshua) I'd like to have a baby in 2010. That's five years from now, so I'll be out of school, I'll have bought, or be getting read to buy, my house, and I should have a good, stable career. We'll see. I've also decided that my first child will be called Miriam Eve or Caleb Aaron. I won't say why, but they're both great names, with lots of meaning. You can't go wrong with Biblical names; that's my motto.

I'm excited for Christmas. My sister and the baby will be home to visit. Michaela will be one on Dec. 9th, and she's been pottying for practically two months now. Smart girl. ;-)

A look back...December 31, 2004

2005-11-30T10:33:00.000-06:00

It's that time again, y'all. Time to make some resolutions that I won't keep for next year. Last year I said that I wanted to have a more positive attitude and affect others in a more positive way. From where I'm sitting that lasted all of 24 seconds. I also resolved to have the best year ever...which I did. One out of two isn't bad, right? Ok, this year's list is going to be short and sweet.
1. No soda.
2. Less cussing.
3. More self-confidence.
4. More positivity.
5. More independence/adventure.
I'd say that I want to keep my room clean, but I know it won't happen. All right...I'm out.

I posted that last year on New Year's Eve. Oddly enough, not only did I keep my room clean all year, but I kept an immaculate house. I'm a total neat freak. I love it. I think I cuss less, and I've been more independent and adventurous. The soda thing ain't happening though. I'll edit this later to add my resolutions for next year.

Road Trip Names

2005-11-30T09:15:00.000-06:00

I made Josh help me with my names, too. I've got some in here that I really, really love. Allegra is still my favorite, but the others are gaining on it.

Allegra Soleil (prn. So-LAY) or Allegra Joyce
Miriam Eve (Josh picked Eve, good job!)
Kathleen ???

Aaron Jacob
Liam
Gideon
(probably to be paired with Kenneth and/or David)

Sun, Fun...Life's a Beach

2005-11-30T08:53:00.000-06:00

Well, I'm back in cold, dreary St. Louis after spending the weekend in sunny Florida. I had a really nice vacation over the holiday and spent two days on the beach. I'm feeling hella sun-kissed (as in, I got a bit of a tan). I met Joshua's parents. That was an experience. I liked his mother and his stepfather, but in a completely different way than I liked his father and stepmother.

Joy was nice, polite, and very politically correct. She didn't highlight the difference in our ages, and she only mentioned the difference in our races long enough to assure me that "she doesn't judge people based on color, so I shouldn't worry that she won't like me because I'm black." She irritates the hell out of Josh, which made him uptight, which made me uptight...but we got through it. She tried to pump me for information about his ex-wife, but since he and I don't really discuss Rosemary (other than the fact that I know her name, what caused their divorce, etc.), she gave me more information than I gave her. Joy's husband, Brian, was a very nice, soft-spoken gentleman. He likes to talk. I really enjoyed both of them, if only because I could see that they were trying to make me feel welcome, but they were just a little uncomfortable with the situation themselves. It was nice to see them make the effort.

Josh's dad, on the other hand, is likeable in a totally different way. He doesn't sugar coat or fluff things, and although he never commented on the age or race thing, (as far as approval or disapproval) we did talk about it. In fact, David and I talked about a lot of things--we talked for 5 or 6 hours. It was nice, though. I learned more about his upbringing, his family, his view on matters spiritual, and life in general. I think he got to know me pretty well, too. He and his wife, Veronica, have a beautiful home in Tampa, and they really love each other a lot. It's funny. They've been married since before I was born. LOL.

We went to Siesta Key Beach with Joy and Brian and it was lovely. The sand was really fine, like Mississippi clay, except not dirty, and not wet. It felt really good in between my toes. I waded into the Gulf a little bit, and collected some seashells. It was really nice. David and V took us to a very small beach, I don't remember the name Ben Davis or something like that, and the shelf was so shallow that I could have waded all the way out to the swimming buoys and only been waist high. It was great because Naomi could go out and play in it and didn't necessarily need an adult with her cuz the water was so shallow.

The drive both ways was really long and tedious, but going was worse because we had farther to go. It was nice because Josh and I had lots of hours to talk about...well, everything. I know I'm just being a goober, but I think we're at a turning point in our relationship. It's been over a year and for awhile it was like...ok, what are we doing here. I think we're really looking at long term committment. I say this because at a few points during the drive we discussed getting married, buying houses, and having children...and it wasn't a big deal. It was just...the natural progression of things. Of course, none of that will be happening for several years...if it ever does happen, but...it's a possibility. Wow. That's nuts.

It's almost that time...

2005-11-22T14:04:00.000-06:00

Well, it's been a crazy month. I can't really think of anything in particular that has happened; it's been kind of a blur. Tomorrow, Joshua, Naomi and I are headed to Florida for the holiday. I'll be meeting his parents for the first time. I should be nervous, but I'm not. I don't really care if they like me or not. Maybe that's a bad attitude, but really...I can't please everyone and I'm tired of trying. I've started to feel a little more like my old self lately, and the people in my life are either going to have to take that or leave it.

I've set a long term goal--I want to buy a house by the time I'm 25. That's five short years from now. I opened a savings account and am now working on the down payment. My goal is to save $100 a month, but I know that I will save at least $40. If I save $100 a month, I'll have more than $6000 in five years. That's nothing really, for a down payment on a house, but it's something. Besides...if I get a better job, I'll start saving more. I know that I can make this happen...and I really want to.

I had an epiphany the other day. All my babies are grown up. I realized that my nieces and nephews are all growing up and getting older. My oldest girls are almost 12 now, and my youngest is 3. Well, except Michaela, but she lives so far away that I never see her. None of them are babies. I'm feeling some empty nest syndrome. Somebody better have some babies and they better do it soon. It's totally conceivable that in 2 to 4 years I'll be having my own babies...but what until then? One of my brothers or sisters better produce a baby, and but quick.

Speaking of babies, I'm more obsessed with names than ever before. I can't believe this hobby has been going for 12 years strong. I'm constantly adding new names to my list, which is getting longer and longer. I need somewhere to put all these names, with notes. I wonder if I could create a program in Excel? I would need to be able to enter in names, pronunciation, recent popularity, any other notes (such as combo suggestions, how much I like it, where I heard it...etc), and I'd need the database to automatically alphabetize itself and be searchable. I should ask Joshua to help me create a program.

Recent additions:

Kathleen
Claudia
Estella/Estelle
Carrie-- haven't decided which spelling I like
Lorraine
Elaine
Sydney
Sela

Timothy
Aaron
Titus

Anyway...that database would keep me busy for a really long time. I'm really going to have to work on it.

Omega

2005-10-13T16:54:00.000-05:00

Well, as expected, I didn't last long. I went to Josh's on Monday night (the 10th) and again last night, but for some reason, I'm not that bothered. We've had some good talks. I'm not feeling separation anxiety anymore, and well...not only do I know that I can survive at school, but I want to and I'm looking forward to it.

I think I'm going to be an RA next semester. These last two weeks have shown me that when I just do it, I can handle it.

In other news, my new favorite name is Allegra. No, not like the medicine. Like the character from Allegra's Window (a children's show that I grew up with). It's a beautiful Italian name that means "lively, cheerful," and it's not too ethnic. Also, Allie is a good nickname. It also matches Bridget, Minerva, and Gretchen in style. My ultimate goal is to have six names (3 per gender) that I love, that are similiar in style but sound great as siblings. I've almost got the girls picked out.

Allegra Joyce
Bridget Louise
Eleanor or Gretchen or Minerva (although probably not the latter)

I'm still looking for the 3rd Middle name.

I'm feeling pretty upbeat for a person who hasn't slept. And I'm on duty tonight. Hopefully it'll be a slow Thursday, because I'm in the mood to bust some heads if people can't act right.

Names on my mind...

2005-10-10T02:35:00.000-05:00

I deleted my name blog, so I'll just post these here. Names in color are at the top of my list.

Contemporary favorites:

Natalie
Caitlin
Bridget
Gretchen

Liam
Donavan
Vaughn
Van

Old-fashioned favorites (that have become popular and therefore contemporary):

Louise
Joyce
Valerie
Catherine
Dorothy
Frances
Eleanor
Maria
Sarah nn Sadie

Steven
Kenneth

Biblical Names:

Anna (well, sorta)
Leah
Rachael
Elizabeth
Eve

Adam
Nathan
Gabriel
Gideon
John
Andrew
Alexander

Classic Literature/ Roman Style:

Minerva nn Minnie (I think this is gorgeous, even though most think it's ugly as sin)
Beatrice
Hortense/Hortensia (like a little)
Eugenia/Eugenie
Phillippa
Theodora
Matilda
Augusta
Lavinia
Lydia

Eugene
Tobias
Horace/Horatio
Theodore
Thaddeus

It's going to be really sad, if THIS is my short list.

Alpha

2005-10-10T01:13:00.000-05:00

This is the beginning. The beginning of what, you might ask. The beginning of an almost two week period between Oct. 10th and Oct. 21st during which I do not plan to see my boyfriend. Can I do it? I don't think so. Also, let me rephrase...I don't mean that I won't see him. I just mean I won't seek out his company. If he wants to come see me that fine--better, in fact. But I don't foresee that happening, which is another can of worms entirely. For right now, though, the focus is on me and my actions.

The plan is that I'm no longer visiting him during the week. That means Monday through Thursday nights. I have the option to see him Fridays, but it would be better with our schedules for me to see him on Saturday. This coming weekend (the 13th-16th) I'm on duty, so I won't be able to visit him. I won't be able to leave campus. Then, I can't go out there next week during the week. The first available day, in my plan, is Oct. 21--and I'm supposed to have company that weekend. So yeah...I guess I won't see him for three weeks (because after that weekend, is the week). I think I'll crack this week (like, the 11th) and again next week (like the 17th). But I'm trying to stay strong. We'll see.

In other news, Michael is home from Iraq. I'm sure Mina and Michaela are rejoicing. I'm glad he's home safely, and hopefully he won't have to go again, but we'll see.

Tim commented on my blog, which tells me that he's still alive. My computer is still virus-ridden, so I don't have it. The computer labs won't let us access Yahoo Messenger, although I can AIM. If he would update his BLOG I'd still be able to tell what's going on with him. I hope 11th year is going well, Tim. Give me some sort of update on life!

This post wasn't too introspective, but it will probably be filled with many "deep" posts about why exactly it's so hard for me to keep myself at school and away from that young man. Til then...

I want some Mickey D's

2005-10-08T17:12:00.000-05:00

I'm hungry. I'm also sleepy. And I missed the botanical garden today.

I used to be "deep"...

2005-10-05T01:35:00.000-05:00

The other night, I was reading some of my posts from this time last year. Last October, I was a virgin...well, a novice in many ways. I'd just become sexually active. I'd just started blogging. I was navigating through my confusion with my blog. I was awakening as a fully functioning adult. A year later, I'm vacuous, insipid, and boring.

I just realized, that I'm almost never introspective anymore. I don't reflect on my growing process, or even detail my growing process at all. I just write about "updates" on my life. As if those things matter to anyone other than me. Hell, they don't matter to me. At least when I wrote about this process, this constant state of anomie [see how much I've learned in the last year?], I could look at my blog and feel like I'd not only accomplished something, but also like I'd taken a snapshot of myself at that moment in my life. Now, what snapshots do I take? I don't even have film in the camera.

At the moment I'm dealing with severe growing pains related to my position as an RA. I hate it. I'm miserable. I want to quit. But why? I've been telling myself, and maybe to a point it is true, that it's because being a resident assistant on top of being an honors student with a full courseload, working part-time (yet doing enough work to be full-time in the wake of my favorite supervisor's departure), and being a dancer, and a daughter, a girlfriend, a best friend, and a person is just too much.

In reality, I think I'm more torn between giving up the freedom to be Jaime the person and being a "leader." I also think that I'm insecure in my relationship with my boyfriend...which causes me to want to still be living with him on a day-to-day basis. I can't just go party with my friends anymore, because when they party on campus I can't be involved. I can't be with my significant other all the time when I want to--which is a lot. I'm so worried that if I don't get to be with him regularly, he'll realize that he doesn't need (or want) me...and then where will I be? I've spoken with him, and we've talked about how this is an irrational fear, but it IS a fear, nevertheless.

This week, because of circumstances, and also just out of my desire to really try to move beyond this, I haven't seen him since late Sunday night. It's now early Wednesday morning. This is the longest time period that I haven't been with him practically since February. I'm actually doing quite well. I go to class. I go to work. I go to practice, and meetings. Not that I don't do those things when I do see him, but I think it is important that I'm going about life normally, even though this is a big change in my schedule. I'm getting my RA business taken care of, and I'm actually under a lot less stress right now. My friend situation hasn't really changed. I still don't get to hang out as much. I still feel like I'm not really part of the clique, but this week has been better.

I also spoke with a few RAs that are, in some ways, feeling the same way I am...and now I feel like I have a support system. I almost want to make the choice to continue being an RA next semester...but this has only been one week. What if next week I'm right back to being a basketcase? I think if I had a few weeks to get used to this life-rhythm I'd feel better about whichever choice I make. I'm really upset that I have to make my choice so soon.

I guess this is as introspective as I'm going to get at 1:35 a.m. Hopefully, I can get back to having real "conversations" with...well, myself, through my blog. That other nonsense has got to stop.

The Life Blogmatic

2005-10-02T02:09:00.000-05:00

Here's a quick update on my life:

I hate being a resident assistant.
I'm miserable and depressed.
I celebrated my 1 year anniversary by trying to break up with my boyfriend, but for some reason I love that man and couldn't do it.
I have a cyst on my left ovary.
I've slept for a week and a half.
Classes are going well. So far, I have all A's.

And there you have it. My life, in a nutshell. I guess I can go a little more in depth on some of these.

I hate being an RA. I don't know why. I just do. I'm thinking of quitting at the semester. I've been really sick lately, with this cyst and...well, I just need to let it go I think. I feel like a terrible failure, though, because I couldn't make myself stick it out. My mom is disappointed in me, I think. Really, really disappointed.

I guess that's all the depth I have. Hmm.

"I'm a dancer. I'm a dancer. I'm a..."

2005-09-09T22:42:00.000-05:00

I'm a dancer. No, really...I'm a dancer. As of tonight, I made the Maryville Dance Team. I'm really excited cuz I didn't think I was going to make it. I'm a terrible dancer. I dunno what that says about the rest of the team, but I actually want to get better, so I will. I'm just happy because all through high school I was always too afraid to try out for the Dance Team even though that was what I really wanted to do (not that I didn't love cheerleading, but I always wanted to dance). I was scared because the team was really good, and I'm not so great, and I'm not terribly flexible. I was really proud of myself tonight just for getting up the courage to try. Now I'm proud cuz I made it.

Now I just need to hit the gym...

2005-08-31T14:38:00.000-05:00

Life is really crazy right now. Mixed-up, jacked-up, stressed out and well...I'm losing it. Really.

I'm going through these manic-depressive stages. The trouble is that the depressive stage lasts a really long time and the manic is so manic that I'm beginning to scare some folks. I'm sleeping too much and not enough. I'm tired. I'm energized. I'm basically all out of whack. I know that I need to buckle down and do well in school, but I just can't seem to make it happen. Most of my classes are just a lot of reading with not too much by way of daily assignments. I'm just swamped.

To make it all worse, I can't focus on the here and now. I just keep thinking about the past. Or the future. Or anything other than what I should be doing at this moment. I'm feeling trapped by my RA position, and truthfully it's much more lax than I thought it would be in terms of coming and going, but it's draining on me to know that all these people are relying on me for support. I can't even support myself. Well, barely.

Last night was really good, though. Me, Chanda, and Alex went to IHOP. Jonathan the waiter was there. I told him that I think he's cute (and that he looks like my boyfriend). I found out that he is 23 and single. After IHOP we went cruising to all the old spots--namely Johnnie O's. It was a lot of fun to just cut loose and hang with my girls. It was nice. Anyway...I'm struggling with the back-to-school-blues but I should be fine in the long run.

On the tail end of the whirlwind...

2005-08-21T23:26:00.000-05:00

Well, RA training, move-in, and orientation have been a big blur. For the last...two, two and a half weeks I've been in near constant motion and busy every minute of every day practically. I've barely had time to sleep and when I did have time, it was difficult to sleep because I have to get used to having a refridgerator in my room again and being in a room where I can hear the central air unit for the whole building. Today was the first day that I had tons and tons of free time--and it dragged and dragged and dragged.

But I did go on a shopping spree of sorts. My mom was here and she took me shopping with my nephew. I got my eyebrows waxed and found a dress for the Fall Festival Dance in October. It's really pretty and strapless. It was also on sale. I love a good bargain. Anyway, I also bought a new flat iron for my hair and I'm planning to get a new blow dryer. I can't wait. I know...I'm a total nerd. But I like to buy new stuff for my hair. Even if I never, ever, ever use it.

In other news, classes start tomorrow. I didn't even realize until Friday that yes, classes actually do begin in (at that time) three days. Now it's like...11 hours and counting. I hope I like my classes this semester. I really do. I know I have one teacher that I like as a person, but hate his teaching style. Let's hope I do well. Let's also hope that I have books, lol. I ordered my books off of Amazon.com and saved $100 even with shipping charges. Half of my books got here really quick, and the other ones are delayed like a mofo. It's annoying because the ones I got from the actual Amazon company are the ones that may not be here until Sept. 2nd. They damn well better come this week. Oh well...another semester is about to begin...

Maryville, back in action...

2005-08-13T11:54:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm officially back at Maryville and have been for a whole week. It's been an adjustment and it's been crazy. I feel like a wuss because I couldn't even make it 24 hours without "sneaking" out to see Josh. In my defense, though, it's very hard to go from seeing someone every day to not at all for like, weeks. I did better with the rest of the week though. Training has been ok, actually it's been pretty good...I feel like I'm ready to meet my residents head on. I just hope I don't have too many medical emergencies.

Um...in other news, my mother and I are getting along very well now. We talked last week and resolved most of our issues and I finally feel like I have my momma back again. She even agreed to cater a Soul Food Sunday for ABC (Oct. 30). It should be fun. I'm also going to use that as my diversity program for my hall. It should be really good and I get to eat my momma's food.

My laptop has a bad virus, and although Information Tech is working on it...it could be a few weeks before I have a pc in my room. Sorry Tim and Trevor...I won't be online until it gets fixed. I'm thinking about y'all though. LOL...

Well, I gotta run. Until next time...

Jaime'

2005-07-27T15:05:00.000-05:00

I'll pray for you....

BUT HEY THINK ABOUT THIS....We can stay up all night eating oreo's talking about your boyfriend...since you know the rest of us are riding solo....

ALSO, I think things will get better with you and your mom...You know how parents are...

I don't know why...

2005-07-27T14:34:00.000-05:00

...I'm so happy. I went home to visit my sister, Amina, and meet her 7 mo. old baby, Michaela. I was glad. I love my sister, even in spite of being just a bit jealous of her beauty. Michaela is gorgeous, too, and it was really nice to be with them for a few days.

On the other hand, my mother and I have been fighting like crazy for weeks now. She's still not over the fact that my boyfriend is so much older than me. I feel really bad because I'm not used to fighting with her all the time like this (well, not since 16). Not only that, but I just don't understand. I know she doesn't like that he is older, but she won't just say that. She makes all these excuses about the amount of money that he makes (not enough, in her eyes), etc., etc. It frustrates me because every time the conversation turns to him, we fight. Because of this, I can't ask her advice...or share with her these first experiences that I'm having. It's really hard. I'm used to talking to her about everything.

With all that crap with my mom, and work, and knowing that I have to go be an RA soon (which I really, REALLY don't want to do any more), I should be miserable. But I'm not. In fact, I'm really happy. I can't explain it. I just am. It's great. It's scary. It's...confusing. Oh well. I shouldn't be questioning it...I should just be glad, especially since tomorrow I'll probably be depressed.

I feel kind of guilty...

2005-07-18T16:05:00.000-05:00

...Wink hung out with us (me and Joshua) this weekend. I love my cousin, truly I do...but getting them boys together always makes me feel like they have some sort of boys only club that I can't join. It helped a little that my other cousin, Demarco, was there, too, but I still ended up feeling like wallpaper. Dull, ugly wallpaper at that.

So what did I do? I got depressed. What do I do when I get depressed? Flip out. Like a mofo. Wink left to take Demarco home and I got in the shower...when I got out...it was over. I asked him if he was still in love with Kristine (my close friends know the back story on this) and he said "I don't know. I probably won't really know til I see her, and I'm not in any hurry to do that." Maybe I'm overly sensitive...but I was totally heartbroken. He told me once that he fell more in love with her everytime he saw her...so if he's not sure he's over her...and he needs to see her to tell...what if he saw her and fell in love with her all over again?

I look at it like this. It took me a long time to admit and accept the way I felt about him. I don't need him to love me. I'm not going to lie and say I wouldn't feel fantastic if he did, but I don't want to hear empty words. I don't want him to tell me something he doesn't feel. But I also don't want to think that he's pining away for another woman when he's with me. If that makes me childish--so be it. If it makes me jealous--I guess I am. But the thought breaks my heart.

So yeah...I totally flipped out. I yelled. I cried. We talked. I feel better, but I'm still worried that he's carrying a torch for some chick. I guess I should try not to let it bother me, but it does. I'm working on getting over it though.

I'm too busy...

2005-07-14T15:05:00.000-05:00

I have so much stuff going on right now...except really I don't. I have work and I'm getting ready to go back to school. That's it. Next weekend my sister is bringing her baby home for the first time (she's almost 7 months), so I'll be going home. I can't wait.

Joshua met my family a few weeks ago. I was a little nervous about it, but it turned out well. My mom thinks he's cute, so that's something. I don't think she's quite ready to "like" him. Daddy hates him. Steven, Roy, and William like him. Even Renzo was there and he was cool too. I'm glad that he met my family, sorta. I needed to connect those two parts of my life, I think. And it was nice to get some of Momma's food.

Other than that...life is just...well, it feels hectic even though it isn't.

More good news and a revised name list...

2005-06-28T10:43:00.000-05:00

I just found out yesterday that I can use the Federal loan to buy school books, which means I won't have to come up with $500 out of pocket. That's great news. I'm going to save all the money I'll make in July and go school shopping, which I haven't done in two years. I'm looking forward to buying some new jeans...I need them.

Chanda redid her name list (one name for each sex for each letter of the alphabet). I've been redoing mine a lot lately and enlisting the help of my cousin and company. I'm sorry Wink...I couldn't stop myself. LOL...here's my new lists.

Boys

Adam
Bryce
Christopher
Donovan
Evan
Franklin
Gabriel
Hayden
Isham
John
Keiran
Landon
Michael
Nathan (Nate)
Owen
Preston (or Pier...but I think "Pier" is a little too different)
Quincy
Rohan or Roman
Steven or Sean
Tobias
Ulysses
Van
Wesley
Xander
Yes (stole it from Chanda...it's not practical, but it's Hott)
Zachary

Girls *denotes a middle name only

Alexa
Bridget
Christa or Caitlin
Diana
Eve or Eleanor
Faye
Gianna or Gladys*
Hazel
Isabelle or Isla
Jane or Jean*
Kayla
Leah or Louise*
Maren
Natalie
Olivia
Paloma or Phaedra
Quannie
Renee
Sylvia or Sarah (Sadie)
Theresa
Ursula (LOL)
Vivian
Wendy
Xanthe
Yvonne
Zora

Sometimes I think I'm too "tight" to live...

2005-06-25T00:32:00.000-05:00

I'm at home for the weekend. I came to clean the house in preparation for company next week. I opened my mail, though, and I had some crap from Maryville. My financial aid award for the entire year is listed at $28,850. That includes a $3500 dollar loan that I don't plan on accepting. That means...they're still giving me $25, 350 worth of financial aid for my sophomore year...which is exactly how much it will cost to live on campus and be enrolled full-time (minus my $150 room deposit and $110 technology fee). My total expense for the year...$260, plus the cost of books. I think that's pretty tight.

Mother, may I...bring a man home for dinner?

2005-06-24T12:15:00.000-05:00

So...I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but...Asshole is going home with me for a BBQ on July 3rd. So...yeah...that should be interesting. I really want my momma to like him, even though, as she's told me my whole life, it doesn't matter if my family likes him as long as I do. I'm not worried about Daddy--he hates everyone. Steven should be ok...and well, TeAhnna, too. I'm really, really nervous. I don't know why...does it even matter? It shouldn't. He won't be nervous though...I wasn't when I met his family. And they were all really sweet, too. I really liked his cousins...very nice boys. Anyway...I'll probably get all worked up about nothing and it'll be fine and the family won't much care one way or the other.

I wonder if I'll have time to go to the movies.

I think I'm a Cancer...

2005-06-20T10:19:00.000-05:00

...not like cancer...not like a disease. I mean a Cancer like the Zodiac sign. According to Richanda, Cancers are sensitive, giving, and kind. I've become all those things recently. Also according to Richanda, I'm not allowed to jump two Zodiac signs (Taurus and Gemini) and I'm behaving like a typical Aries (melodramatic, violent, and stubborn). I guess there could be a little truth to that. But I still think I'm a Cancer, and if anyone doesn't agree...I'll strangle them. Well, not exactly, LOL.

In other news...I'm having real maturity issues. I've stopped dating Ishmael, but haven't found the courage to call him and officially end whatever relationship we may have had. I kinda want to just send him a text message, but everyone seems to think that would be "wrong." Ordinarily, I'd agree...but I mean, it's not like we dated for three years. We had two official dates. Two. I think a text message is more than fair. Which is one reason I'm having maturity issues.

The other reason is that I decided Asshole is my boyfriend. He didn't disagree...but I wonder if he agrees. I think so, but I'm not sure. I'm also really insecure about the whole situation...and that insecurity is like a cancer. It's spreading throughout my whole life and slowly devouring me from the inside. I keep telling myself that I'm being ridiculous. I'm also not being true to myself...which I'm only just realizing as I type. Lately I've been letting other people's opinions influence my way of thinking. And everyone else is negative--he's too old, too "unestablished," too the wrong color, too wrong for me. But before I started listening to other motherfuckers, I never had a problem with any of that. I've come up with my own "problem" with our relationship though...and that's what I need to focus on (the parental thing, LOL)--being mature enough to get over that...and saying screw everyone else.

Updates

2005-06-09T15:12:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm back in the good ol' STL region. I didn't even last a full week at home. I don't know what it is...I just don't feel like I fit anywhere. I guess I'm "home"-less. I think it will be better when I'm a little older and more financially stable and can get my own apartment. I'm looking at doing that around May of 2006. That sounds kind of far away, but it isn't really and I have a lot of stuff to do in the meantime. I need to find a roommate, an affordable apartment and start looking at setting up a household...this includes a budget, a bill system and furnishings. I can't wait though. I wish I could afford to do it on my own because I have a feeling I won't be able to find a roommate.

What is wrong with me? I really think something must be. I can't seem to make friends with anyone who is like me. I want to get out and do stuff and see more of the world. I figure that now is the best time--I'm young and childless and I don't have anything to do but worry about myself. So why don't I do the things I'd like to do? Because none of my friends are into that stuff. I'm used to doing things alone, but some things you just can't do alone. I'd be crazy to go on a weekend trip by myself. I don't know...something tells me that I won't ever find people that see things like I do. Which means I will end up alone anyway. That's kind of depressing isn't it?

In other news, I've still been dating Ishmael, although I haven't talked to him much this week. I'm feeling kind of down and anti-social at the moment. Maybe I will call him tonight and see if we can't get together. Dunno quite yet.

I think that's bout it...

School's Out for Summer....School's out FOREVER...

2005-05-11T19:54:00.000-05:00

...well, not forever, but for long enough. I got an extension on my final paper in my film class, so I didn't even have to worry about failing the class because I didn't do it. That's right. Ms. Straight-and-Narrow-Over-Achiever was considering just not turning in a paper worth 30% of my grade. But I did. And now it's done.

I'm all moved out of my room. I had to give my keys back. And I left all my hangers. I'm sad. I also left my MF'ing dishes. Oh well. Next year I'll be on DS2 and I'll have my own bathroom. I can't wait.

In other news...I'm confused, sorta. How do you know if you have a boyfriend? I think that A-hole might be my boyfriend, but I'm not certain. If he is, then maybe I should feel guilty for going on a date last Friday. I met a guy that I talked to on Blackplanet. He's gorgeous...and he called me--twice. I like him, but it's weird because I'm not really trying to talk to him hella hard. Like...I like him, I think he's cute...but I don't see it going anywhere. I think I'm scared...but I need to get over it. Anyway...I'll just keep talking to him and follow what my heart says.

I'm out.

Life, or something like it...

2005-04-15T13:51:00.000-05:00

Well, it's been a minute since I updated. Things with A-hole (see the "It's Over" blog) are just as confusing/infuriating/tangled as ever. Now that we're just friends (supposedly platonic) I thought things would straighten out--I was wrong. It's mostly my fault; I should have walked away from him completely, but something in me just can't do that yet. Time will tell if I've made the right decision in continuing our friendship.

The stuff with Rob is well and truly over. I'll be happy never to speak with him again (for fear I might go off).

The end of the year is approaching. I'm already slacking on final papers and such, but for my group sociology project I actually took some initiative. I'm scheduling an interview with a local gentrification expert. I can't believe how responsible and goal oriented I'm being.

In other news, Richanda met Gold last night. We drove to Marshall, MO to see his musical. He's a terrible dancer and he needs to get his hair done, but he's cute and very nice and well mannered. I'm not sure if she still likes him, but I hope she does. I think he's a good guy and they look cute together.

Iry will be staying with me next weekend. Friday night TeAhnna is taking us out to dinner at IHOP. Saturday we're going to Hoop It Up and the Science Center. Sunday she's going home. I hope I survive the weekend. How am I supposed to relate to a 10 year old, one-on-one, for like 3 whole days? Dunno bout this...

I still haven't decided if I'm staying or going this summer. I'd love to stay, but I need cash. God will work out whatever needs working out--I have to trust in Him.

Well, that's all for now, folks. Have a great weekend!

I love Wednesday

2005-04-06T18:18:00.000-05:00

Last weekend (Friday thru Sunday) was awful. The week was better, but still not terrific. I'm really glad it's Wednesday though...the week is halfway done. I'm actually doing quite well right now...I didn't cry, I didn't throw things, and although I talked to "him" on Monday and Tuesday (I saw him, too) I think I'm well on my way to being over the bullshit. I really think I only reacted as emotionally as I did on Sunday because of the rest of my shitty weekend. Tonight's plans include getting ready to lead discussion on Friday morning, relaxing my hair, watching American Idol, and trying valiantly not to pick up the phone.

It's over

2005-04-03T18:39:00.000-05:00

Is it possible to go through a break-up if you were never officially "with" someone? I'm going to have to say yes, because that is exactly what I feel like right now. Although we were never together in the sense that I would introduce him as my boyfriend, I was in a kind of relationship/friendship/thinga-ma-jigger with a guy and it's over now. I'm kind of heartbroken. Actually, I'm really heartbroken. I don't know why it hurts...I saw it coming, knew it was coming, and needed it to come (so that I can start healing and getting better). Also, I'm kind of pissed because I never intended for my feelings to get involved and eventually hurt. But they did. I'm going to blame that on him, too, because for awhile I resisted getting close to him and he drew me closer and closer. Now I want that closeness and I can't have it. On top of it all, he's in love with someone else and eventually I just got tired of waiting in the shadows and hoping that someday he would see me standing there. I know I don't sound like it, but I really am glad it's over. I just need to let it go and start over.

One thing I did do, and I swear to Jesus I didn't do it with malicious intent, was pray that someday he'll realize what he lost. I really do care for this guy, so it's not like I'm wishing anything bad for him. I want him to be happy and I even want him to get the girl, but I hope that at some point he realizes what he did lose. I'd have given him anything it was in my power to give, all he had to do was ask. Sometimes, he didn't even have to do that. It was just done. But also, no matter how good something is...if you don't want it, it won't make you happy. And I told him that, too. So now I just need to get back to putting the pieces back together. I think I'm ready to start being a whole person again.

It's my birthday

2005-03-31T12:06:00.000-06:00

...and I'm really excited. I don't have much of anything to do today besides work and I don't have any real plans. I managed to whine my way into getting a cell phone for my birthday, which is nice. I've already heard from two of my brothers and my former roommate, which was really nice. Chanda sent me an e-mail...it was tight. I talked to Alex briefly too and the weather is gorgeous. It should be a great day...

Man, Dawg...

2005-03-21T19:05:00.000-06:00

...why do most conversations (at least among my little circle) start like this? And why don't I, being me, find this the least bit odd? I mean, I used to be the queen of good (well, decent) grammar. Now I'm the princess of STL colloquialisms. I just thought that to be worthy of note. LOL...

In other news, today is my cousin Danielle's birthday. I was thinking of calling her, but we're not really close and I really don't like her. I can't help but feel a little bit guilty, but at the same time, no one likes everyone they meet. Personally, I dislike most people I meet. It's just unfortunate that she happens to be related to me, because that means I dislike a relative. In actuality, I dislike most of my relatives. Anyway, there are only 10 more days til my own birthday (well, 9 not counting today). I am praying for nice weather, just so my spirits are lifted.

I got an A on one part of my Greek Lit midterm...hopefully that will offset the terrible grade I'm expecting on the other part. I don't have anything else to report. Hmm...

My blogging past, revisited

2005-03-19T11:24:00.000-06:00

I was bored and decided to read my blog archives to see the things I was thinking, feeling, and writing six months ago. Some things of interest showed up, and I thought I might address them now.

Oct. 25, 2004--Sex can be great, can't it? I imagine that lovemaking is infinitely better...some day I want to find out. I don't think I'm cut out for sex...at this point it's what I want, because I've never experienced it before...but eventually I will want more. And then what?

Well, eventually has finally arrived. In the last few weeks it has started becoming more and more apparent to me that I want more out of sex than just sex. The problem is that my body doesn't listen to my brain. I know that for my own mental and emotional well-being I need to stop having sex until I am in a productive relationship (and no, that doesn't mean I'm sleeping around, it just means that I have a f--- buddy, not a significant other), but I can't seem to get a handle on the issue just yet. Hopefully I will soon see the light at the end of tunnel on that one...

Nov. 3, 2004--At any rate...my NYRes last year was: Be a more positive person and affect others in a positive manner. At the moment, I really suck. First off, I know that the majority of my thoughts are negative. I can't help it. I have negative thoughts about myself, I'm overly critical of others...in general I think I just have a bad attitude, and that makes me sad because I don't want to be that kind of person. My main goal in life is to be a good person...I want people to smile when they think of me, like I smile when I think of certain people. The trouble is...I'm not all that good, and it is hard for me to behave well for long periods of time.

Hmm, this still hasn't changed and we're already well into the new year. Why can't I change this character flaw? Maybe seeing it once more will finally get it to sink in. I'm going to really, really try...starting right now, today.

Nov. 13, 2004--So I've accepted the new me--I didn't have a choice; it was that or begin to really hate myself. But now I'm disappointed. I am a new me; in some ways I am better and in many ways I am not. I'm disappointed that the new better me, can't share this new part of myself. I feel like I need to keep me underwraps...and I don't like it. Maybe someday, if I'm good, I'll get to share it with someone. I guess, until then...I just need to suck it up and stop whining.

I don't know what to say about this other than I think it's interesting to look back on. I'm still trying to be a new, better me and I'm still failing every day; however, there are some real successes in there. I still feel like I can't share "me" with people, though, because (like with the Terri thing) they won't just accept "me." Once I can get over that, I'll be all good.

Nov. 29, 2004--In life, some things are a big deal. But most of the things people (myself included) spazz about, really aren't that big of a deal. So I'm going to try to keep it that way. Pray for me...

I find this absolutely hilarious...as many times as I've told myself I'm not going to be a spazz, I'm still the worst spazz in the world. Tomorrow's another day, right? I'll spazz less tomorrow, then.

I'll add more later...

Why...

2005-03-18T20:42:00.000-06:00

Why do people say hurtful things to others? I guess that I'm probably just being overly-sensitive, but today one of my friends said something that hurt me a lot. We were talking about general stuff and I said that I was going to look at an apartment today and she's like, "Oh, are you staying up here for the summer?" I said, "Well, if God can work something out for me then yes." Then she laughed and said, "That's funny coming from you." She went on to tell me that the way I talk ( I swear, a lot) and things I do make if funny for me to believe in God. That hurt. Especially because she's said a couple hurtful things to me in the past few weeks.

It hurt most because I feel like I can never just be who I am and be accepted. I cuss. I cuss a lot. I'm doing much better recently, but the point is still the same--that doesn't mean I cannot and do not love God. It bothers me that in her mind the two are mutually exclusive. I guess it got under my skin because I feel like people are always critiquing me and I always come up short. Oh, well...

Wonderful, Wonderful Weekend

2005-03-14T14:26:00.000-06:00

Well, the weather was too bad for us to go to Red Lobster on Thursday, so me, Momma and Steven just decided to go while we were in St. Louis. Friday we drove down and we stayed in a great hotel downtown and just generally did the tourist thing. It was a good thing for me...it really improved my mood and was just good for my overall mental and physical health.

I'm ready to start working on my scrapbook, but there was a glitch in the processing. I have to wait until I go home again to get my pictures, but I've got all the "stuff." I can't wait to get going on this...it's going to be so cute. I even brought my mom's special scissors back (they cut zig-zags and stuff).

I took a test today. Yeah, I know. What kind of terrible teacher gives an exam on the Monday after spring break? Dr. Phipps. I like him a lot, but I was not thrilled with this. Doesn't matter though. I was way more prepared for this test than the last one. I'm almost positive I'm going to get an A...if I don't, I'll probably commit homicide. I need to get going on my essay test for my Greek class and I need to write a 5-7 page midterm paper for my film class. Those are the only two stressors left in this week, so hopefully everything shapes up well.

Also, the weather is gorgeous. I love springtime; it makes me feel so alive. I really enjoy the sensation of knowing that everything around me is coming to life and growing and flowering...I feel like it's a whole new start and that I can take on anything. I know--I'm a colossal dork, but it's ok. I've accepted it. LOL...

So tired

2005-03-10T01:35:00.000-06:00

I get the results of my bloodwork later today (you know, after sunrise, LOL). Hopefully they'll say "you have an iron deficiency, take these pills and you'll be fine." Hopefully.

I got drunk off my ass last night for the first time in like 5 months. It was so hard--I wanted to vomit every time I took a shot (since the last time I got fucked up I've had a physical revulsion to alcohol). I had like seven or eight straight vodka shots. I'm a lightweight; two will have me swinging from the trees...I was shitfaced drunk. Sorry for bothering you in the middle of the night Richanda. Remind me to tell you about what happened to me...

Today is my mom's birthday. I'm taking her and my brother out to dinner at Red Lobster. I friggin' hate seafood, but she loves it and I want her to have a special day.

I'm so tired...

No one understands my pain...

2005-03-08T11:54:00.000-06:00

I went to the doctor and they did bloodwork. Yes, bloodwork. They took out my blood. They went into my body with their cold, hard needles and removed my life-giving elixir. Why does no one understand how deeply I'm wounded because of this?

I'm home, I'm happy, I'm sick

2005-03-07T18:52:00.000-06:00

I made it home today at like 1:30...on the dot, and I left at 10:30 on the dot. I must have been burnin' up the highway cuz I stopped and ate lunch, too, LOL. I swear I wasn't speeding...I did 69 in a 65, if it's not 5 over, it doesn't even count. Anyway...

I'm so happy to be home, I missed my house and my bed and my parents. It's weird cuz I think both of them missed me too, even my daddy has been talking to me and being nice and stuff. Momma's birthday is Thursday, I'm taking her and Steven out to Red Lobster to celebrate. I hate seafood. Blech.

I have a Doc's appointment tomorrow to find out what's wrong with me. I have just been so tired lately. Could be mono, could be low iron in my blood. Hopefully they can fix me, because I've just been sleeping ridiculous amounts of time. My head hurts and I'm burning music. I'm out.

Spring Break in 3-2-1

2005-03-04T17:29:00.000-06:00

Well, I got all of my papers and stuff done on time so now I'm set to be a completely mindless drone for the next week. I'll be going home either Saturday or Sunday and I'll probably party in Iowa City with Mandy on Tuesday and party at Big Muddy's on Wednesday, with Mandy, LOL.

I have an essay test to complete by the 16th, and since it will be like 7 pages worth of work, I think I'll try to have it done, or at least well underway before I leave for home, because I'm not doing shit once I hit the highway.

Richanda left already, so it's just me and Alex for right now. I'm planning on doing some laundry and cleaning up before I leave, so that's my project for the next couple days. For the next few hours though, I'm going to crank up the music and let loose. Since I can't download and make mix cds til I get home, I'm relying on AOL Music to supply me with my favorite new shit. I feel like such a weightless soul right now...hopefully it can only get better.

I'm out y'all...

So stress-free...

2005-03-04T00:39:00.000-06:00

...that's how I feel right now. So stress-free. Oddly enough, I have two huge papers due tomorrow and I haven't started. But at least my date is over (and it went well).

I don't really feel the need to document it now, but I just wanted to say that it was fun and we'll see what develops in the next few weeks.

Been a hectic week...

2005-03-02T18:41:00.000-06:00

...but I've had something to look forward to.

While I was blogging Monday night about Jeffrey not calling me, he was trying to reach me in my room. I thought that was funny. I talked to him for awhile that night and we're going out tomorrow. Supposed to be ice skating, but I'm a bit nervous...I'll probably fall on my ass a million times. I already had to promise all and sundry that I won't cuss and that I'll wear make-up and Richanda has already got dibs on helping me with my hair, so even if nothing comes out of this...at least I'll look good. LOL...

I got a 96 on my sociology test...rock on.

I finished my Greek Myth paper and turned it in on time and I think it's well-written. Hopefully my teacher agrees. I had a little inspiration from an outside source, I'd like to thank them (even though I know they won't see this).

Just two more papers to go and then it's Spring Break here I come! I'm going home and I'm thrilled. I dunno when I'm leaving though...depends on some stuff...

I'm out, for now...

PreMed

2005-03-01T23:58:00.000-06:00

Paging Dr. Jeffery...Paging Dr. Jeffery...

I like him much better than the other one...

I'm back...

2005-02-28T21:43:00.000-06:00

...and better than ever. Actually, that's not quite true. I'm just as mentally screwed up now as I ever was before, just for different reasons.

In the last few weeks life has actually been pretty good. I had a wonderful time in Colorado--the mountains are absolutely beautiful. I met a lot of new people and just generally concentrated on having fun, which is something I don't do often. I tend to add more stress to my life than is already present, and since there's plenty of real stress already...I end up completely stressed out.

It's also official--I'm going to be an RA (resident assistant) next year. I'm so blessed, so lucky, and so thankful. Because of this wonderful opportunity, I'll have my entire education paid for (if I continue to be an RA every year, which I can't think why I wouldn't be). The weekend after I found out was just awesome. I shopped on Friday, which is nice because I never get to shop. I got to hang out with my cousin Vince, who I don't see enough of. We did lose the SLIAC Tournament Championship on Saturday--to WEBSTER of all teams. That was a low moment, but at least cheerleading is over now. We went to a frat party on Saturday night (Alpha's are so hott) and I even met a nice young man named Jeffrey, but I'm almost positive nothing will come of it. It was just nice to think that someone out there would possibly be interested in me.

Sunday was the start of more bad feelings for me. I talked to Mandy and found out that she's been having some difficulties. Her mom moved to Louisiana to "take care of" the boy they kind-of-adopted into their family. That'd be fine except she left Mandy alone in Iowa. She's barely on speaking terms with her father, and to top it off the boy (his name is Matt) was mentally and physically abusive to her. I hate it...it's a sick situation. I plan to go visit her when I go home for Easter. Immediately after getting off the phone with Mandy, I called my mom. Dunno why really. I guess I was thinking that maybe if she had time she could check on Mandy for me. She wasn't home. This is when I really fucked up.

I was really, really upset after talking to Mandy, and since I couldn't talk to my mom, I called the one person that I should never, EVER, call. Within 10 minutes I had agreed to go hang out and to be perfectly honest that just depressed the hell out of me. I think I have some serious mental issues that I need to iron out before I continue on the path I'm currently on. Yeah...this is kinda cryptic, but I want it to be, LOL. When I got back to school this morning I was in a really down mood and my back hurt like a mofo. I ended up skipping one class and calling in to work. I should be doing homework now, but I don't feel like it. I'll get around to it eventually. LOL.

One more thing before I go...what is it about Jay Winkleman? I've never met the guy, and honestly (no offense if for some off the wall reason you should see this, Jay), I don't want to. But through reading Quill's blog, I happened to stumble onto his girlfriend's blog. It's like every woman this mf comes into contact with can only think, speak, and function in relation to him. I really do not get it. He just doesn't seem worth all of that. No guy does. Which is one reason why I'm so pissed at myself for my current line of thoughts. At any rate, I'll be damned if I ever act that way. And if by some chance I do, I hope someone shoots me.

My Epiphany and Why I'll Be Off the Radar for A Minute

2005-02-09T23:14:00.000-06:00

Today I was in my Greek Tragedy class and my mind was wandering (not because it was boring, but because I'm having a difficult week). During this time, I had an epiphany.

In these last few months since starting college, I've been trying so hard to "find" myself that I've lost the self that I once was. It's sad. Although I wasn't perfect, I was me. This realization that I haven't been being "me" was brought home to me by something my mother said to me on the phone the other day. I was telling her that I didn't want to hurt someone's feelings by taking a specific action and she told me that for my whole life I've been a little on the selfish side, and that now when I need to be taking care of myself most, I'm suddenly putting everyone else ahead of me. She's sort of right. Obviously being selfish isn't the way to be, but neither is being so self-less that I've lost myself.

I realized today that I'm confused. On one hand, I know that I'm supposed to be growing and changing and I am, but I don't want to lose myself entirely. I know...I'm probably not making a great deal of sense just now. My point is...I need some time to re-evaluate where I'm headed and what kind of person I am and what kind of person I want to be.

As part of this "re-evaluation" I will not be blogging for the next two and a half weeks. I know, blogging seems like something trivial, but I just want to let this blog sit for awhile and see if when I come back to it anything has changed (I also will not be reading any blogs and will generally not be online except to check my Maryville E-mail [only because I need to be updated on extra-curricular stuff]). So, ta-ta until February 27th.

A Little Calmer and More Collected

2005-02-08T08:57:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was a hectic day for me. On top of being busy (which is usual for a Monday) I was stressing out over some extra-curricular stuff. I don't understand why some things in life, mainly interpersonal relationships, have to be so complicated.

It all started with an action made by one of my friends. I won't go into detail, but this action really and truly confused me. I spent all day analyzing it--Why did they do it? What does it mean? And so on...

Looking at it in the cold light of today, though, I think I overreacted (which is typical of me). I've decided not to make a big deal about it...to just put it out of my mind and concentrate on what is really important right now--getting through this month. Only 3 more basketball games to go, and a trip to Colorado, and the Hip-Hop Summit, and 3 term papers to be written...and then maybe I'll have some free time.

At least I finally did my laundry.

It has been a crazy, crazy week...

2005-02-06T00:24:00.000-06:00

...but I can't say it's been bad. I even had fun at cheerleading. We played Fontbonne today and we won both games. We kicked their cheerleaders' asses for the second time this season and all of our stunts hit, including the backbend lib, the split-catch, and Abby's lib (which I'm in). It was a long day, but the weather was absolutely beautiful. I'm loving this 60 degree weather--in freakin' February.

I went down to Soulard for Mardi Gras with a few of my cheer buddies...it was great. I think I came home with like 5 lbs. worth of beads, but I won't discuss what I did to get them, LOL. Actually, it wasn't that bad. People gave me most of them. My best strand is a gold one with a Barcardi charm on it--it lights up.

I went to see "Ray" last night...ABC showed it on campus. Good movie. Excellent acting, especially by the boy that played little Ray Charles. I cried several times.

What else did I do this week? Not much really. Just school and work and more school and more work. Thursday night I attempted to get ahead in the homework game...but it was a half-hearted attempt. I did get my homework done for my Friday class and I watched Hero. Then I fell asleep. Tomorrow (Sunday) is homework/laundry/clean-my-room day. Let's see how much of each I actually get accomplished, LOL.

My mom is supposed to be coming in next weekend. I also have the Hip-Hop Summit and the University Scholar's Day going on. Hopefully it will be fun. The internet is out in my room, so in order to blog I need to be in the lab. Until they get it fixed I probably won't be on a regular blog schedule. Anyway, I'm going to hit the shower and go to bed...

I'm tired

2005-02-02T23:39:00.000-06:00

It's been a hectic few days. TeAhnna was here and we hung out. I was glad to have her here, but it's weird. Although she's a lot older than me, sometimes I feel like we're on the same level. I don't know. Anyway...I know that I'm turning into a neat freak because she just kind of threw her clothes around and stuff and it was bugging me. Oddly enough, she's the parent and I'm the messy college student, LOL.

I think this weekend I'm going to give myself some beauty treatments--I am in dire need. LOL...I need a manicure, an eyebrow wax, and I need to get my hair done. I look like a troll. It's sad.

Um, I was really pissy earlier today. I don't really know why...but sometime between this morning and this afternoon, I got really irate. I was ready to go off, but I'm all better now. And practice went well...and I told Sharron that I probably won't compete, too. So now I'm ready to finish out the season and have a great year.

Ok, bedtime.

Not much to say...

2005-01-31T19:03:00.000-06:00

I've been running around all crazy for the last few days...my room is looking good and I still need to do some laundry. TeAhnna will be here tomorrow, and my internet is broken, so I probably won't be online much for the next few days. In other news, I'm going to Colorado this month. Should be fun...I think February is going to be great.

Can I get a Hell Yeah?

2005-01-29T14:59:00.000-06:00

The Saints Ladies just kicked the shit out of Webster, our rival who we were tied with for 1st place in our conference. I don't normally get into women's basketball, but it was a great game from start to finish. We had a 20 point lead when the Gorlocks got a hair up their asses and started acting like they wanted to play basketball. With 10 seconds on the clock, the score was 68-67, us. After some fouls and time outs, we just let the time run down and won. So technically we didn't destroy them...but we still won and that's what matters.

Is it sad that I'm blogging from the basketball game? LOL...I'll update after the guys play. I hope we win. Go Saints!

Sometimes I wonder...

2005-01-27T21:42:00.000-06:00

...if I'll ever be good enough. Yeah. I really do wonder.

I think my biggest self-esteem problem is feeling inadequate. I've always wanted to be described as "exceptional" or "intelligent" or "articulate." But I'm not any of those things. I'm average in many ways and well below average in even more ways. It's depressing. I'm not a good cheerleader, regardless of the five (seven if you count middle school) years I've put into it. I'm not a great student. I mean, I do okay, but in the big picture, I'm not even there. I'm not a good daughter, either. All I do is fight with my mom and I don't even speak to my dad. I must be an all around terror.

I'm in a very self-destructive mood right now...I had a bad practice and a bad night and I'd really just love to be curled up in a ball and be unconscious. To make it all worse, I'm having mental troubles. On my way back from practice I was feeling overly emotional and all I wanted to do was get back to my room and get on the phone. The only problem is that it's late and there's no one for me to call. Well, not that would want to actually talk to me. I don't talk on the phone that much anyway, so why do I want to? I don't think I really do want to. I just think I'm feeling sorry for myself, which is not conducive to productive conversation anyway.

I'm unhappy, and there are several reasons why but right now I need to try to calm myself down. Maybe I'll post about my unhappiness later, or maybe I won't. Who the hell knows.

I'm tired and I don't feel well

2005-01-26T22:22:00.000-06:00

I've been tired all day and I feel crappy, too. I actually had a lot I wanted to say, but I just don't feel like typing it out and thinking any complex thoughts. I'll post later I suppose.

Another Bullshit Day

2005-01-25T17:12:00.000-06:00

It's too bad, too, because I started off having a good day. Made it to breakfast, went to work and didn't have to do shit for the first 2 hours of my three hour shift. I had one of my favorite classes today, Sociology. I wasn't going to be too, too pressed for time. Then I got off work at 4:30 (supposed to be 6 p.m.) so that I could meet the cheerleaders at 4:45 so we could go to our away game. Except that we're not going. And no one called to tell me. I just happened to run into one of the girls on my way down and she's like, "Didn't you get the message?" No, I didn't get the message. I never get the message. No one ever gives enough of a damn to call me, and I'm sick of it.

I decided not to go back to work, but I'm glad not to go to the game, I didn't want to go anyway. I'll use this extra time to do homework and clean my room (and get ready for Physical Plant to come rearrange the beds). And I'm still going to dinner at six, LOL.

In other news, TeAhnna called me today. She's coming up next Monday and Tuesday night to stay with me and we're going to go to Joe's Crab Shack and go out somewhere (yeah, like out, out). I need to find a place to go and a DD, LOL. If anyone can help me find either one, holler. LOL...

Playing Catch-up

2005-01-24T20:00:00.000-06:00

It's been days since I've posted anything, so I thought I'd write a catch-up post.

I didn't do a damn thing all weekend, which is both good and bad. Good because not doing anything is fun. Bad because I had some stuff that it would have been wonderful to get finished and over with.

Saturday we judged a high school cheer competition at Forest Park Community College. The cool thing was, most of the kids were vision impaired, if not blind. And they rocked! I'm not being sarcastic in the least. They put so much heart into it, you'd have to be made of stone to not get into it. And they were pretty good, too, considering their physical limitations. It was a learning experience and something that I'd be glad to do again. Plus, I got a really awesome (if oversized) T-shirt.

When I got back from the competition, Jen and her husband Mike were here packing up her stuff. Yep...I have my own room now. Well, technically, they could put someone in here at any time unless I pay an extra $500, which I'm not planning to do. But it's likely that I will continue to have the room to myself, so everyone pray for me. Now I just need to find the time to re-decorate. Half the room is empty right now, and I'm going to rearrange the furniture and stuff.

I also had a nice long "talk" with my mom on Saturday. What that amounts to is that somehow I managed to take us from really good "what's going on in your life conversation" to a knock-down drag out fight. I even cried like a little punk-ass bitch. I figure it was good though, because obviously we needed to clear the air about some things that happened last year. And now I need to call my sister and talk to her.

In other news, my Aunt Sonja (Dad's sister) has lung cancer. Apparently she was just diagnosed and it's really severe. Oddly enough, she's never smoked. She had breast cancer about 2 years ago and has been being treated. I really hope she's ok. Or that at least she won't suffer long. I'll pray for her. I need to call, but I feel like it's too late to call right now.

I think that's about all I've got for now...well, all that's fit to print, LOL.

I am a woman

2005-01-21T15:14:00.000-06:00

Yesterday, I saw a speaker--Jim Lucas, "Keeper of the Dream." Mr. Lucas came as part of Maryville's MLK Day celebration, and it was through sheer luck that I was even able to see it. He did his rendition of several of Dr. King's speeches, and although he was not as powerful as Dr. King, the renditions were very nicely done.

One excerpt in particular really touched me. He was reciting the speech that Dr. King gave the day before his assassination in Memphis. It was originally given to black sanitation workers who were asking for better working conditions and pay raises and so on. During Mr. Lucas' intro to the speech however, he told us what was written on the signs of the strikers. It was very simple; it was very profound. They wrote only the words, "I am a man."

Sounds almost too simplistic, doesn't it? Yet at the time, they were not treated as men. They were treated no better than animals. Although I wouldn't go that far, it is a remarkably powerful feeling to simply say, "I am a woman." To me that statement simply means that I am a woman--I am intelligent, capable and kind. I can do so much, not only for myself, but for others like me and for those in need. So why don't I?

I don't have an answer to that question. I don't have a reason not to, so I'm going to. I will find a way, and when I do, I'll be able to truly say that I'm a woman--and mean it.

No More Hell Day

2005-01-19T23:10:00.000-06:00

Last semester Tuesdays and Fridays were hell days...this semester, I don't have a hell day. Monday through Thursdays are jammed packed with stuff, but none of it is so monotonous that I will absolutely die. I was on the move nonstop from 9:00 this morning (first class at 9:25) until almost 10 p.m., but it was a good day. I am a little worried about homework, because I was really tired when I got done and I need to be in bed by midnight. At least I'll sleep well, though.

I didn't get to post last night, but I had a good cheerleading practice. I think I'll be tumbling soon. Yes, tumbling. Like...really doing it. In front of people. I think if I become a tumbler, I'll lose some of my cheerleading insecurities. In my opinion, cheerleaders should be able to cheer, stunt, jump and tumble. As it was I could only cheer, jump a little and that was it. I think if I get three out of the four I'll be more confident.

I started a new blog. It's about names. Weird, I know...but I love names. Also, I think one of my teachers is a closet onomast, too, because twice while she was taking roll, she said "Wow! Great name!" Speaking of teachers...

My second day was great. I'm going to have a good semester I think. Altogether in my first 4 classes I think I'm going to have to write 5 papers, take 11 tests (2 of which are take home), 5 article summaries, 1 group project and workbook exercises. This is over the entire semester. Not too bad, I don't think. I'm trying to stop procrastinating, and if I don't procrastinate it should be a breeze. Good luck to me, LOL!

Also, my Greek Tragedy and Myth teacher seems to really, really love the material she's teaching and that always makes a class more fun to me. I'm really tempted to contact one of my favorite teachers from high school and tell her about it...she's exactly the same way. I really hope that everything goes my way this semester. I've got some stuff in the works. I'm praying over it, so if it's meant to happen...it will. All right, I need to get some work done before bedtime. I'm out.

Why I think I'll like my sociology class...

2005-01-18T15:36:00.000-06:00

I think I'll love it. Why? I figure, anytime you go into a class and the teacher is five minutes late and not apologetic about it and then proceeds to swear and make references to "Uncut" on BET...he's got to be pretty cool.

Also, I think sociology is a good discipline to have a background in--especially since I want to work in public relations. In fact, if I really like this class, I might minor in Sociology instead of Political Science. I've got plenty of time to decide later though.

First Day of School

2005-01-18T01:01:00.000-06:00

Well, today is the first day of my second semester. It's like 1 a.m., and my first class isn't until 1:40 p.m. That's probably why I'm still awake, lol. Come to think of it...that's the only class I have tomorrow. Hopefully we just get our syllabus and get dismissed. Probably not though--it's an honors class. Exploring Social Issues...it better be as fun as it sounds. All my classes better be as fun as they sound. I picked them so that I'd have a good semester.

Rob isn't talking to me. I should be glad, and part of me is. I just don't like thinking that I've hurt his feelings. I'll have to get over it I guess because dwelling on it is ridiculous.

Now that I'm over the shock of Jen's accident, I'm back to being my usual hell-bound self. I find myself hoping that she decides not to attend Maryville this semester and just go to PA with her hubby straight away. I'm thinking that the chances of them finding me a replacement roommate are really slim, in which case I'd have my own room. I even planned how I'd arrange it. Yeah, I know. That's really evil.

Met a new girl today. Her name is Gwen and she was looking to connect with some other blacks on campus. I'm not too sure I like her though, but I don't know her obviously. She seems like one of those people that change their personalities to fit the group they're in. I hate people like that. Be yourself and continue to be yourself, no matter where you are or who you're with.

I didn't call Brandon today. I need to but I'm being a coward. I've kind of been rehearsing what I'm going to say to him...now I just need to get over my nerves and just do it. I think I'll call him tomorrow. I know he'll be up; he's starting classes tomorrow, too.

Also, these mofos need to stop playing around with my work schedule. Classes start tomorrow, and they haven't set the schedule. I just realized that I have practice tomorrow. I don't want to go. I don't want to cheer. But I feel like I have to. And I know I would miss it if I didn't. But it's starting to drain my energy. I need to quit whining, dammit.

Well, I lost my train of thought, so...I'm out. G'night.

A few updates

2005-01-16T17:42:00.000-06:00

Well, I finally got the picture disk working. I had to go back and get another one because the other one was broken. I added a picture to my profile. Not sure how long I'm going to leave it up, but...it's there for now.

Jen, my roommate, called. She and her husband were in a car wreck last Friday and she has a fractured hip. She's supposed to be on bed rest for 3 weeks and isn't planning on coming back to school right away. She said that she may not even attend Maryville this semester since she'll have to miss almost the first month of classes. I don't know when she'll be back, or if she's going to leave (in which case I'll have the room to myself), but I hope she gets better soon. I feel a little guilty because I kept wishing I'd get the room to myself, but I didn't want her to get hurt for me to get it that way. I was just thinking that maybe she would decide to go ahead and go to Pennsylvania with Mike. I'll be praying for her.

Well, that's about all for now, I suppose.

Snitching and Posing

2005-01-16T15:11:00.000-06:00

My mom came up today and lodged a complaint with Public Safety. It was about Rob. I kind of feel guilty because I don't want to get him in trouble, but she thinks that he might become "dangerous" in the future and of course you're better "safe than sorry." I feel bad still. I e-mailed him to let him know that she filed a complaint and they'd be coming to talk to him.

After that we went and got our pictures taken. We had some really cute poses, but now I can't get the damn disk to work so that I can upload them to the 'net. I want to use one of the ones of me by myself on my blackplanet page, LOL. I keep saying I'm going to fix my page up, but I don't have a scanner or any recent pictures (well, I do now) that don't make me look like a hideous beast. I look relatively decent in the pics from today though, so after I take the damn disk back and get them to work, maybe I might post one or two on my blog, but I dunno.

Not much goin' on...

2005-01-15T21:51:00.000-06:00

Well, I didn't post yesterday (I consider 12 midnight on Friday to be Thursday night), so I thought I'd better do it today. Chanda and Alex are both back, so that's been nice. We went out to the Mills tonight and then had a 3 hour dinner at Ryan's. Jazper, with a 'z', the waiter was really nice...even if he was a pretty high on the age spectrum. I ate too much cantaloupe, so now my stomach hurts and I want to sleep.

I still need to return some movies to Hollywood video, and my mom is supposed to come up tomorrow. I don't know if she's going to come though, since it snowed tonight. I don't have much to say, so I'm just going to end.

He's so fucking smooth...

2005-01-14T01:25:00.000-06:00

Brandon and Domiano were going to come up here tonight. First of all, I don't know if I can handle another several hours in Brandon's presence just yet. He's a really cool guy...but when he's around I feel like an alien in my own body. He's not quite in my comfort zone just yet. After I got the news about Jeremy, the last thing I wanted was to be feeling like I'm on pins and needles all night, so I had Alex call D. and tell them not to come. I know I should have called Brandon, but I took the coward's way out.

So anyway, he called me right before midnight and was talking to me. And I was telling him that I'm kind of depressed and he's like, "I totally understand, I'm just sad cuz I wanted to see you." Not those exact words, but something really, really close to it. I felt terrible. Especially when I found out that D. had gone to the trouble of renting movies and some other stuff in preparation for us all to hang out.

I told Brandon to call me tomorrow...odd that I would say that when for two days straight I was trying to dodge his phone calls, not catch them. Oh well...tomorrow is another day, maybe I'll be feeling braver.

I'm in shock

2005-01-13T20:59:00.000-06:00

One of my friends from high school just called to tell me that a boy we went to school with (he was two years ahead of us) died this weekend in a drunk driving accident. The driver hit him and his dad and killed them both. I feel so bad for his sister. Personally, I'm in shock.

I just keep thinking about how unfair it is that two people had to die because of one person's stupidity and selfishness. I'm also just thinking about how unfair it is that I've known so many young people that have died. Young people aren't supposed to die. And certainly not like that.

I'm so sorry to hear about Jeremy's death. He was an incredible person--smart, funny, talented, artistic, religious, spiritual--when he walked into a room his presence lit up everything and everyone. I don't know one person that didn't love him. We were both in Children's Theatre together with his sister, and I remember how he stole every scene he was in. The kids just loved him. Everyone did.

I guess I'll just keep him in my thoughts and my prayers.

Edited to ponder: Why in the first moments of my shock did I reach for the phone and call someone that not only can't help, but wouldn't want to? I swear I get dumber and dumber as time goes by.

A short post about my boring life

2005-01-13T13:43:00.000-06:00

Well, I had my first game of the New Year last night; two actually. We won both, and somehow managed to (in my opinion) show up the other cheerleaders. This amazes me because we aren't very good. There were more of them, so they were louder (but we gave it our best effort)...but as far as stunts go...all of ours hit and were more difficult than theirs. In college cheerleading, it's all about the stunts. Oddly enough, one of our girls has a sister on the opposing team's squad, so it wasn't too competitive.

In other news, like a little punk-ass-bitch I waited until after the game to call Brandon last night. I didn't talk very long because I was soaking wet (it rained) and wanted to shower. He called me this morning, too. And he's sposed to call me back later. This is weird for me...I've never really been the type of person to talk on the phone for hours on end and I feel weird about doing it now. I also feel odd because I'd much rather talk to him on the phone than see him in person. Tomorrow night I won't be able to avoid it--he and D. are coming up to Maryville. I hope it all goes well. I hope I don't fuck it up. That should be my NY Resolution...don't fuck anything up. Oh...and cuss less....I'm not doing too well with that.

Last night it was like 11 or 12 and I found myself wanting to talk to someone and get some advice...but I didn't have anyone to call. Chanda was probably asleep, and I already knew what she would say anyway. I wasn't calling Alex way in KC. I wanted to call my momma, but I know she was asleep. The only two other people I could think to call had to get up and work in the morning and calling either of them probably wasn't a smart idea anyway. So I just sat in my room, watching the Surreal Life. That was probably the best thing I could have done...I just wish...I don't even know what I wish.

Anyway...I kind of feel like I'm walking through this whole situation blindly. I don't like it. I wish I knew what I was doing, but I guess I'll never know until I do.

Oh and one more thing, Rob came to the game yesterday. And at the first opportunity, he came to talk to me. What's the first thing he said? "How long have you been back?" I said, a couple days. He looked at me weird. Then he asked me if I wanted to do anything and I said that I had plans. Then he really looked at me weird. One thing I will say for him, I know he wanted to ask what they were...but he didn't. I guess I should just be glad of that. I had already decided not to be very nice about it if he asked. I think I'll make one more attempt at being nice. And then be really bitchy.

This post was a lot longer than I meant it to be...

I don't know what to do

2005-01-12T14:06:00.000-06:00

I hate being indecisive. And now I'm in an area where I don't have expertise--boy/girl relations and relationships.

Awhile ago I blogged about the guy that Alex is "talking" to and how he came up to visit with his friend Brandon. Well, since then I've talked to Brandon a few times. I like him well enough, but I was so sure that he didn't like me. Until this week.

I've talked to him a lot (and I do mean a lot) this week, and it's only Wednesday. Last night he called and asked if he could come up and see me, which I said was fine and he did. Since Chanda was here we all got together and watched movies in her room (I can't hook the dvd player up in my room). Then we went walking and talking and stuff. So now I know that he likes me because he told me so...so now what?

After we stayed up all night watching movies, I talked to him on the phone while he drove home so that he would stay awake. He pretty much told me that I'm setting the pace and the tone and that whether or not we have a relationship (and what kind of relationship) is up to me. What the hell does that mean? And how the hell do I figure out what I want to do? I like him, yeah...but I don't know if I want to have a relationship with him. For certain reasons, if I did date him, I'd have to tell him something which I'm sure he'd tell D. (the guy Alex is "talking" to). What if D. told Alex? It's something really personal that I don't want peeps to know, you know?

I don't know...I guess it's a case of instead of me following the leader, I'm supposed to be the leader. I don't know how much I like that. And I don't know what to do. I'm supposed to call him today, but I'm nervous. I guess I'll figure something out.

Edited to add: A very wise friend of mine gave me some priceless advice today. She said, "Think with your head, not your clitoris." Truer words were never spoken. I'm working on it. Really...I am. LOL...

Out of Chaos...

2005-01-11T14:28:00.000-06:00

...comes some order. Before I left Maryville, I cleaned my room. Within 20 minutes of being back it looked wrecked again--this time because I dumped all my clean clothes on my bed to be folded and put away. This means I had to reorganize my drawers, which was on my To Do List anyway.

So finally today I got busy and now my clean clothes are put away and my drawers actually have purpose and I feel like I really accomplished something. Now I just need to get ready to start classes next week. Speaking of classes...my heart is hurting. Why? Because I just had to shell out over $400 for books. Why, oh why, do I have to take interesting classes that I think I'll like? If I was just taking boring shit like PSYCH 101, I'd have one, maybe two books per class. I have one class that has six...yes SIX books. It's ridiculous.

In other news, I don't know what I'm going to do about this cheerleading thing. It's become more of a chore than privilege and causes more grief than happiness. Also, my heart isn't in it any more. I'm not going in and giving 110%...I'm not even giving 100%. From the standpoint of having been on a team with people that don't give 100%, I don't feel like that's fair to my teammates. But I hate to quit anything, but how can I stick it out and still be an asset to my team?

Back in Action

2005-01-10T14:29:00.000-06:00

I got back yesterday at like 2 p.m. Oddly enough I was at Maryville for maybe an hour and a half before I had to get the fuck out. Well, actually, I didn't have to. I wasn't going stir crazy yet; I hadn't (shit...who am I kidding? I still haven't done it yet) even finished unpacking and stuff. So I left. And I'm just getting back. Yes I know that it's been almost 22 hours. I also know that my mom called me repeatedly wondering why I wasn't in my room. But what I know most is that for once it was very, very nice to just disappear for awhile. Nobody to knowing where I am, and then being pissed because I'm there; no one being upset if I don't come back right away. It was just nice.

On a not so nice note, I haven't run into Rob, yet. But then...I haven't been on campus long enough to give him a good chance, LOL. I think I'm just going to tell him that I have a lot of stuff to do and I don't want to be bothered. Actually, I know that's what I'm going to tell him, and it probably won't come out that nice. I'll update on how that goes later.

Today I was supposed to stop eating junk food, but I went to McDonald's. There's always tomorrow, I guess. Anyway, I need to get a move on--I have errands to run and clothes to put away and a shower with my name on it. Oh and I have to call Chanda, too.

One more thing. I've been thinking about how insecure I can be at times...and how I'm not very good at hiding it. I don't like that. I mean, I'm not going to make all the worries I have about myself (and not just my looks) go away in one day, but shouldn't I at least be able to keep it under wraps? And also, why is it that once I seem to get rid of one set of insecurity, another sets in? This is the second time (and third set) that I've felt the need to overcome something since August. Actually, though...it's come full circle. I had insecurities from high school, got over them and developed them from something that happened to me while at Maryville. Now I'm over that and back to worrying about the same old shit I agonized over in high school. The shallow part is that a big part of what bothers me is how I look. I'm not going to go into the reasons behind that...I'm just going to say that I'm tired of being insecure and I'm ready to let it go and just do my thing and have fun.

I feel like...

2005-01-08T07:43:00.000-06:00

I feel like I've been awake forever. I have been. It's a little after 7:30 a.m. right now, but I went to bed at like 10 last night because I was tired. It's crazy...I'm back on a regular schedule, but not really. I'm glad that I'm sleeping at night, but waking up so early (and not being able to go back to sleep) isn't much better than sleeping all damn day. I was awake at 4 a.m. and that was just when I looked at the clock. I'd been up for quite awhile before that.

In other news...I'm pissed. My Uncle Johnny's surprise birthday party is tonight. He's turning 50 and just happens to be visiting from Georgia, so my other aunts and uncles are throwing him a party. That's all well and good, but when I decided not to go back to STL on Tuesday like I planned, I used his party as an excuse for why I wanted to stay (how else was I going to guilt my daddy into taking me home Sunday?). Little did I know...my dad was planning to go to STL on Saturday (today) to pick up my sister and one of my distant cousins. My sister has 2 kids...one in a car seat. So riding back Sunday would have been cramped as hell. On top of that...my sister wants to bring her man/fiancee/fuck-I-don't-know. Ok...I have my own car now, so I'll be driving back...but guess who will be stuck taking my cousin, my sister, her kids and her man back to STL? I think my dad was originally going to make me do it, but with all those people I'm going to tell him no--I'm not squeezing all those peeps into my car on my FIRST trip up the highway. Especially not my sisters kids...they're heathens. So I'll volunteer to take my cousin home...but I'm making my dad buy the gas. Hehe.

Also, I'd really like to go on a road trip. One way or another I'm going. I just need to find someone to go with me. I'm thinking New Orleans. In May. Any takers? LOL...